Confessions

I don’t know what to do. Ever. Why can’t there just be one obvious choice that would still make me happy? Why can’t everything just work out?

go ahead and leave.
go ahead and never find me.
go ahead and don’t talk to me again.
go ahead and choose her instead..
i don’t need you.
i am a complete and whole person without you.
i don’t want to compromise my peace with your lies.
you can go ahead and do what you want. play as you like, but you sure as hell
won’t be coming back to me.
choose carefully, for every action has a consequence..so don’t complain when you come back and i happen to be
gone.

This is not who I wanted to be.

I miss him more than anything.

I need to pay him a visit up at the school.

But then again I don’t know how he would feel about that.

I feel like he never wants to see me again.

But when we last seen eachother 2 months ago,it ended on a pretty good note.

I just want to talk to him.Ugh.

I had a dream last night that I messaged him on facebook and it felt so real. I really want to,but i dont think he would respond becuase i was his former student.

Idfk anymore. I dont know what is the right thing to do. I feel whatever I do, I’m just hurting myself in the long run but I cant explain how much I miss him.

How long does it really take to get over someone?

I love you, but I can’t see how I can ever tell you that. It’s been almost a year. I’ve never felt so intimately connected to another human being. We fit each other so well. I get a thrill whenever we say the same thing at the same time–have you noticed how often it happens? You intoxicate me. Is this obsession? I think about you constantly. When I go to bed at night, you’re the one I imagine laying next to. This is agony. All I can think about is being with you. Sometimes I get the impression you have some of these thoughts too. But you’re practical. You know it can’t happen, so why bother? Still, I wonder which heartache would be worse–having you and losing you or never having you at all and always regretting it.

I was the one that smelled good today. I was glad you noticed, sort of.

I will never forget 9/11

I hate myself more and more everyday, I’m drowning in misery and self-loathing. I can’t stop eating. I eat and eat and eat and the pain I feel physically from it is nothing to the pain I feel emotionally. It didn’t use to be like this, I used to eat very little and I would get the greatest highs whenever someone would tell me how skinny I had gotten. Now it’s reversed! No matter how many resolutions, I can’t stop going back to food. I’m gaining weight. I purposely avoid mirrors. I’m just so sickened. I wish I could be healthy, but if not that, I wish at least I could go back to the non-eating stage, because even though I still hated myself, I looked much better.

I think I love him…
But should I tell him?
How do I know what to do?
Maybe I should just ask him if we can start over….

im happy you freaked out on me early sunday morning at my friends apartment. now im free. free from guilt. free to move on. i was trapped and bound to you. thank you for being short sighted and cruel. you freed me 🙂 i dont feel anything for you now. whats that word again……indifferent. yeah.

I really need to stop acting on impulse.
God dammit…why does everything have to be so complicated?

i miss him

i wish i didn’t but i do

and now he avoids me online

sometimes i wish he never started

I started reading these again. It’s been so long since I have been on here.
We used to go on here all the time and show each other our favorite posts and we’d take post and take guesses at whose was whose. No matter what I’d always guess them right, haha. The old memories play back in my head, that’s why I laugh. You’d guess and guess for mine. I don’t remember if you ever got them. But I always told you which ones were mine.
Anyways back to the point. I come back here, years later. Still wondering if you post here.. I like to think you do. We aren’t the best of friends anymore. I miss you terribly. I don’t think you know that. But I wish you did. I always wonder if you think the same. We changed a lot since then. We finally started talking again. After this year of hell for me. I went through so much, but I ended up okay I think. We stayed distant, I wanted to go back to you. But I didn’t. I felt so much regret for losing you.
We have many mutual friends, I always tell them how much I miss you and wish I could have you back. But I wouldn’t want that if you didn’t want me back. I understand if you don’t want me back. I completely understand.
But if you read this, know that I still care and I really do miss you. I hope we can become great friends again… I am so sorry for everything. I realize it was my fault.. Not yours.

I started reading these again. It’s been so long since I have been on here.
We used to go on here all the time and show each other our favorite posts and we’d take post and take guesses at whose was whose. No matter what I’d always guess them right, haha. The old memories play back in my head, that’s why I laugh. You’d guess and guess for mine. I don’t remember if you ever got them. But I always told you which ones were mine.
Anyways back to the point. I come back here, years later. Still wondering if you post here.. I like to think you do. We aren’t the best of friends anymore. I miss you terribly. I don’t think you know that. But I wish you did. I always wonder if you think the same. We changed a lot since then. We finally started talking again. After this year of hell for me. I went through so much, but I ended up okay I think. We stayed distant, I wanted to go back to you. But I didn’t. I felt so much regret for losing you.
We have many mutual friends, I always tell them how much I miss you and wish I could have you back. But I wouldn’t want that if you didn’t want me back. I understand if you don’t want me back. I completely understand.
But if you read this, know that I still care and I really do miss you. I hope we can become great friends again… I am so sorry for everything. I realize it was my fault.. Not yours.

Shit. I feel good.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!
Things shouldn’t be so complicated….

i feel blank….empty….a shell of a person.

im crying but i can’t figure out why… but im so sad. i haven’t felt truely happy in so so long.

you say all i do is complain…im not complaining..im just telling you how my day was…and my day was bad…you asked me how it was…so i answered

what happened to you loving me? you say you love me because you let me do things and give me things but thats not love….i just want to be able to talk to you…like i used to dad….

i feel so alone when i cry now mom…looking back on it…you were the only one i ever really cried to…you always knew just what to do..rub my back softly saying shhhh…everything will be ok….now i feel so silly, i hug a picture of you shhhing myself. i feel like an idiot…i wish you were here.

i try so hard for dad…but everytime i cry he mocks me and laughs at me..and when i cry more…………he’ll…..he will…………..oh mom……. i miss you….

I don’t know how this happened but I knew it wouldn’t last.. I’m well just gonna’ say it, ugly, and you.. beautiful and interested in me. I can’t believe you’d just walk away from it all without a single word. You wasted nine months of my life for what? To be like your Dad and abandon me like he did you? I just can’t get my mind around it.. Just leave and never talk to me again? What did I do? You know what? Fuck you. That’s all I can say for this now, no longer will I cry out for you to hear me. Goodbye.

White people don’t like me, so I don’t like them

I will never be fat.