Confessions

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] I have a confession to make….

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] ….I’ve been hearing this sound,

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] a sound like a ticking clock.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] And so I listened to it intently.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] The sound is coming from within me.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] At first, I thought it was my heart beating.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] But I finally figured it out….

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] It was more than that.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] It reside deep within me, screaming, trying to get out.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] Like a bomb on a countdown to detonate.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] I’m about to explode.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] I’m a little scared of this, but also anxious and exhilarated at the same time, and also nervous yet calm.

[TICK-TOCK-TICK-TOCK.] And I confess, I couldn’t care less regarding the outcome.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not still in love with you, but the concept of who you used to be – the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. So many people say I should just get over you and move on, including yourself. But I’m too afraid that I won’t find a guy who is as amazing as you were. Sure, maybe I am holding on to what you used to be, but is it so wrong to want that person again?

I am not helpless.

I wish that when you tell me you loved me, you truly meant it. I wish you would stop flirting with all those girls. I wish you would try to respect me. I wish when I told you I was gonna call, you would’ve waited, instead of saying “I gotta go.” I wish I felt like you were in love with me. And not just me in love with you.

It’s easier to get a sex change in Iran where you get your asshole glued shut for being homosexual than it is here, where you’re legally allowed to marry whoever you want.

Guess what world? You’ve got me cornered again.

Id be so much happier right now if you were at least as sad as you were in January and February. I mean, I want to go back to fall when everything was good and you werent a psycho bitch..but since you decided i shouldnt be in your life, i want you to be depressed and lonely for a little while. fuck you you stupid bitch

I won’t confess here anymore.

I’m going through a pretty bad time mentally.

I have issues with boundaries of myself, and who I am, and who other people are.

I am what some people describe as an empath. although I dont believe in rubbish like that, I do understand that it is how you are brought up and the events in your life that make you dependant on others emotions and able to feel highs and lows in other peoples emotions.

It’s messed my life up as it made me have some crazy beliefs.

Its all because someone treated me abusively for a long time in my late teens.

It gave me a pattern which i didnt even know i had and has caused alot of damage to myself now, and hurt other people too.

I cant cope with other peoples negative emotions, it makes me an emotional wreck as i feel it with them.

i dont know who i am, i dont feel normal, i feel pretty messed up.

i just want to feel cared about, so i can pass on that care to other again.

if people hate me, i only feel their hate, and i am no use to anyone.

i hate being wired like this in my brain. but actually, knowing you can feel others emotions means you can be a better person and make people happy too.

im not sure id want to change it, but right now, i cant cope with how it has made me feel.

People tell me all the time I care too much. Maybe I do, but on the same token, I can say they dont care enough. I am one human being but I make a difference in peoples lives everyday, what do you do? I know change is possible. I feel frustrated when people dont recongize and embrace the value of their existence in a meaningful way.

…stop sleeping, wake up, speak up, act out, take the lead, inspire others, BE THE CHANGE!

My confession is I love my mother. She’s the greatest mom ever: although I’ve recently deduced that she was quite depressed for a lot of parts of my early childhood and late teens, she never made me feel it. She made the best food, the best cakes and she always has inspired me with her care for detail, love for food, spontaneous nature and profound affection for those she loved. She is funny as hell, sweet and fun loving. I look up to her and admire her and hope always to better myself.
I wish I could go back in time just be more grateful towards her whilst I was a teen. I was a bit out of control with my emotions and probably quite selfish. I am so glad now I can see how great she is really.
Love you mum, I probably would have turned out far worse without you!

I don’t want to be totally lame arse like the 13 year olds who use this site… but still…

Anyway.
I’m not at the point where I can say ‘i love you’, because that’s just to big for me to deal with right now. What what i will confess to is thinking about you every minutes of the day.
Actually, that sounds more lame that ‘i love you’. Sorry.

Remember that night at the festival? We danced & danced and after just lay cuddled in my tent, drunk, spangly and floaty…. you told me you loved me for the first time…. I thought I was going to burst with happiness!

It was so long ago, so much has changed. I don’t want you back but on days like these I miss you so…… I would like that day back one more time.

I’m so disillusioned by the state of the world tonight it’s brought me to tears.

i secretly hope i get pregnant and have your baby! i want to be a mom so bad i’m not sure it matters that you might not stick around.

I have no ambition. I’m quite happy with my life. I guess I want to be ‘successful’ but I don’t know what that would look like or what I’d be doing thereby making success a pretty hard thing to achieve.

Because all I want is for someone to come close to me. Notice me and come close to me. Notice how fucking special I am.

You don’t have to love me. You don’t have to commit. You don’t have to do anything. Just take a step, make a choice and do something. Come close to me.

I have a problem with saying I love you. Just ask me. Perhaps I’ll get up the nerve to admit it then. But I do love you 🙂 and I care about you. Are my actions not enough for you? Do you really need me to say it?

I’m an FTM transsexual. I live a relatively isolated and lonely but peaceful, non-confrontational life.

No one around my neighborhood used to know, until someone started spreading information around and encouraging people to bother me. As a result, random people take it upon themselves to mess with me whenever they get the opportunity. In particular, two young people like to stand outside of their house and intentionally shout the wrong name as I walk by in order to harass me.

Yesterday, they were getting ready to go at it again. I saw one of them whispering to someone behind a fence as if preparing for when I inevitably walked by. I decided to spare myself the annoyance and cross the street, taking the long way back to my apartment.

All of a sudden, out of the blue I realized I’d stepped out in front of a car. It was going pretty slowly. I swear I hadn’t been aware of its presence when I decided to walk out. It managed to slow down before hitting me, letting me cross.

On one hand, I suppose I’m glad it wasn’t going fast enough to hit me or cause injury. On the other, a part of me thinks it would have been hilarious for the people that like to mock and deride me to see what the direct cause of their actions would have been, if it had been. I wonder if it would have changed their mind about their behavior towards people like me?

I see so many confessions on here that I can relate to and it makes me wonder if these feelings of strangers could possibly be the same feelings you have towards me…the good and the bad. I cannot say these things to anyone I know esp my best friends so I am saying it here because I am still in so much pain and I don’t have many other options for trying to release these feelings.
BCA This is the letter I wish I could give you-I cannot believe how much I still love you. I don’t even understand why and I feel like somehow in another time or place or lifetime you are my soulmate. But it is so painful to know that in this life, and at least at this time, we are not meant to be together or even be friends.
You said that we had a soul connection, you said that maybe everything you had ever done in life had been for a reason so that you could meet me and I felt the same way about you. You told me every day that you loved me, that you cared about me, how important and special I was to you and I appreciated that and very much felt the same way about you. But you are/were in a very bad place and you cannot give me what I need and deserve. I need a real relationship…I deserve to be loved fully by a man. I could not continue to be your crutch, your entire support system, your everything at every hour of the day everyday of the week. It was too much and I felt like I was going to let you down because my feelings for you were overwhelming me and I knew that it was not healthy or right for us to even try to be together.
I think somewhere down the line you wanted the same thing as me but you couldnt say that and I couldn’t figure out how long was I supposed to wait? how long was I supposed to try to fix you so that you could actually be in a relationship? A year? 10 years? that’s just not fair to me and I was drowning and suffocating in our pseudo-relationship. It was not fair for me to have to feel like I was in a sexless relationship when really we were just friends, so we needed to start acting like that so we could both be happier. I don’t think you would ever fully recover from your addiction if I had continued our relationship in the codependent way that it was…
I said what had to for you…because I love you soo much that I wanted to have the hope of a future of you someday being able to love and be loved in a healthy way…if not by me than by someone. I can never say these things to you because you are too sensitive and probably have some sort of emotional disorder and I know this because when I did tell you my feelings for you and that we needed to change our dynamic and create some healthy boundaries you completely flipped out, got angry/hurt, turned on me and abandoned me completely.
Of course that heartache of losing you and of you hurting me with all the awful things you said to me out of anger made me feel like I had made a big mistake but I really really believe in the long run it was the very best and most loving and selfless thing I could have done.
Losing you hurt me more than I can put into words. I cried so much on new years, and valentines day and many other countless days missing you in my bed next to me…missing our hours of phone calls and I love you’s every night, feeling safe in your arms but I KNOW that I had to do that…our relationship was NOT healthy…I cannot see how it could have been any other way…and if you knew that there was a better way…if you knew that things could have gotten better than you should have told me…you should have said…I love you, I want to be with you someday and I’m going to get better for you…that was all you had to say, otherwise I would always think that this was for the best.
In my heart I know that you felt like I was abandoning you…I’m sorry because I wanted to be there for you every step of the way for the rest of our lives but I really needed that space and I wish you could have just given it to me. I wish I wish I wish.
I already knew that I would marry you. That I would have loved you unconditionally for the rest of my life if that’s what you wanted and I feel like you are a wonderful person who fully deserved my love and devotion. But I also had a very strong feeling that life would have been miserable, painful and not what I wanted/deserved out of life. We fought too much, there was too much emotional baggage for us to overcome in order to make each other happy…and I think we can only overcome these obstacles apart…not together like I originally thought that we could.
I have never felt this kind of love for anyone in my life and yes I believe you are my soulmate and that is why I am in so much pain not having you in my life but that is what we are here in this life to do…help each other grow and become the best people we can be even if it means we must suffer without each other in order to learn those lessons.
So I suffer every night thinking about the wonderful times we had together and all the magical moments that live only in our memories now. And I suffer because I feel like somehow our energy is still connected and when you are in pain I am in pain even though we are cities apart. These are all the things I cannot say to you or anyone else ever. This is just what I need to get out of my head bc I have not been able to eat well, focus on school or do anything meaningful or productive since we parted ways and it is because your soul is wrapped around my heart and I cannot get loose from my love for you.
I love you always in this life and the next- A

I will love you no matter what. I did not pen this love story, so I am as clueless as you on how it all ends up.