Confessions

There you go sashaying past my cube. Form-fitting skirt. Knee-length boots. Big juicy tits hiding under your shirt.

I can’t leave my cube because I’m hiding a boner. I want to fuck you like crazy.

I miss being molested and I don’t know why. I also find it hard to feel any kind of a sexual attraction to anyone. I think that thinking about the time I was molested makes me horny. When I think about it in great detail I become anxious and moist and I want to be touched. Not specifically the one who molested me, but by anyone who’d touch me.

I never start IM conversations with people because I always presume they don’t want to talk unless they start it.

I hate this.

I wish I fought harder for her and had the integrity not to cheat on her. Did I get what I deserved? Probably…but that misdeed leading to our demise was a symptom of a totally fixable problem in our marriage. As a result, two people that had a wonderful marriage are now no longer together as husband and wife and there is nothing I wish more than to have her wonderful smile and great sense of humor in my life the way it was. Ive lost her. Thus, guys…fight like hell if she’s worth it to you. Communicate and don’t be passive about your role in righting the wrongs that got you where you are.

I grew up with a dollarless mother who tried really hard but always had problems and an absentee dad who had a bunch of dough but spent it all on his and his wife’s (and their kids’) addiction problems and simultaneously passed as being successful and normal. I had plenty of trouble when I was a kid, always tried my hardest but found I was constantly trapped in a world of resentful adults who didn’t believe in me worth a shit. I spent time doing dirty work, being distrusted, and being homeless. Against all odds I got out of the small town I lived in, went to a really great college, and moved to the big city. I graduated top honors a few years ago and so far it’s done nothing for my life. The people that actually did mentor and support me through it all have split, I can hardly pay my bills and my loans, and I have almost no friends to speak of, let alone girlfriends or boyfriends. You know what? I’m not unhappy. The fact is that even though I’m barely making it I am making it. Most days I think about how I’m not who I should have been after all of the shit I’ve been through, haven’t been given the opportunities I worked so hard for, but in the end life is just life. I’ve had dreams and I tried my hardest to not fuck up and to achieve them. Some have come true, some haven’t, they might someday. I still have problems, regardless. Life is just life and the people who think I haven’t worked hard enough can go fuck themselves. I’m not famous, I’m not socially popular, I’m not a recognized genius, I don’t have a nice house or car or new clothes. I’m barely employable in this economy. Who cares. My life is fine cause I got a heart that shines.

I secretly hope Plan B doesn’t work.

I’m here for you. Always.

I’ll always support you.

I am sitting at home, drunk, in Western Australia. I am relatively attractive, study medicine at the best university in the state, have a girlfriend, have a little more money than most college students (not a whole lot, but enough to be comfortable), and can pretty much get what I want as a result. I feel like I should be completely happy with my life, yet hear I am, confessing. I like dexamphetamine quite a bit, i take 5-30mg on most week days to help with uni. I started taking it about three years ago, aware of the abuse potential (but to be honest, not fully understanding of it), at pretty much my own will. I didnt have any problems with it for a long time but over the last few months I have began to feel like I need it to feel normal. I am well aware this is a sign of addiction and it makes me feel very depressed. I feel as though I am not happy with my girlfriend because I am not the most confident of people and I feel like she pretty much has me ‘whipped’, although because I overthink the fuck out of things I am not even sure if this is reality or not. I almost feel like I have a life that is simultaneously the most perfect and the most painful at the same time, I know there would be people who would literally break any moral standard to the point of murder to have my life, yet I cant wake up and feel happy. Infact I am shit at waking up, more often than not, ill miss a lecture in the morning becuase I just cant be fucked getting out of bed. I feel like my view of my girlfriend goes between very positive emotions and a really negative view of a fake, controlling, selfish girl. I fear that someone who I know will read this, even though I know they wouldnt (its 3.30am here, they are asleep), the thought of someone in my life seeing this cuts me down to my knees. Other male members of my family, as well as me, have a bit of a history of getting into relationships where the power lies with the female, I guess thats the best way I can describe what I perceive. I dont know how to change this, how to be more confident, how to get what I desire while still being reasonable, how to have the motivation to live my life so that I can be happy. All I want is to be happy myself and for my friends/family/the people surrounding me to be beaming with happiness at the exsquisite beauty of life. My father unsuccessfully attempted suicide when I was 11. He also studied medicine (along with my mother), but shortly after finishing it decided it wasn’t for him and changed his profession. My parents relationship was patchy at best, and I think for a large portion of my life, was really devoid of love. I can’t help but be claimed by the anxiety that I will follow in the footsteps of other members of my family. Its fucked, because I can be so happy with reality, and can take pleasure in just listening to music, or drawing on my notebooks, yet overall, I feel like I take my life for granted, and am just a nasty thing that should be terminated. I am also on an MAOI to help with suspected depression, which is funny, because i am not even sure how genuinely depressed I am, but i guess because i am writing this, i must be, but fuck, its hard to tell sometimes. A friend gave me some advice, “take your mind from in here to out there”, another friend interpreted this as remove your central nervous system from its casing. Not a bad interpretation. I hope no one I know reads this, it could be a pretty good option if so.

I am controlling, jealous, insecure, and I take all of this out on the ones I love. Instead of working on myself and changing, I look to the easy way out of anger and obsession to put down those around me and feel better about myself.

I was always shy. This makes it difficult to connect with people. I feel out of place. So this is where I think the social anxiety comes from. I am shy but when feeling comfortable I love to talk, debate and share. But only when I am comfortable. Its difficult to balance my shyness and wanting to connect. I am trying to find a happy medium where I feel comfortable. I don’t like small talk – I feel bad but it bores me – I like to discuss interesting things – Thanks for reading my rambling.

I wish I could have a wife that treated me well and I was sexually attracted to. I love my wife, but I settled for her because I thought she was the only woman who would have anything to do with me. I know I should appreciate what I have since I know she loves me. I just wish I didn’t have to close my eyes and pretend she was someone else.

my heart won’t tell my mind to tell my mouth what it should say. either way it hurts

I’m in a pit, which I dug, but I’m afraid I don’t know how to get out of it. Everything I do seems to get me deeper into in. I’ve stopped talking to all my friends, except on facebook. I don’t call anyone. I don’t come out and talk to my family even. I’ve kind of lost hope at times. I really want to talk to my ex-boyfriend, but he’s mad at me, and doesn’t seem to want to be my friend anymore. He’s the only person in this world who I can talk to, and I miss him being around, but he seems upset and I’m too proud to talk to him. Neither of us will be the adult, and it sucks so much because I feel really alone and I need him.

I’m still in love with you and I hate it.

A few days ago my mom threatened to commit suicide because I didn’t buy her the right brand of cigarettes.

I proceeded to go into my room and drag the pointed end of a flathead screwdriver across the underside of my arm until I began to bleed from multiple cuts. It felt good to take my anger and loathing out on something alive. It made me want to become a cutter.

I’m just waiting for a good day to buy a boxcutter or some proper razorblades. I think having this release will benefit my mood greatly.

You’d take me anyway i wanted.

I wish I could let you.

I confess that your in my head – and i kind of like it.

I dont want to feel miserable anymore
I want to be in love with someone who feels the same and is not using me
I think i should just kill my self

So. I get insecure when you reply 3 hours late to a simple text. I just think I deserve a little more than that. I’m your girlfriend, for chrissake! I understand we’re both extremely busy right now, but I always make time for you. I sacrifice a so much for you; you have no idea. Sometimes, I think the only reason you’re even with me is because I let you use me as you please. There a times when I need emotional support. I can’t go on like this. I can’t afford to feel this insecure and crappy all the time.
Where is all this coming from?
This is coming from the place that I’ve been hiding in for the past 4 months because I haven’t wanted to sound clingy and needy.
I’m honestly sick of feeling this way.

I really wish I had a lot of friends and that many people came up to me and start conversation. I love being social, just the very idea of it, I hope I can have many people I talk to. It’s fun!

I will never compromise how I practice law for anyone. Shove it up your ass H.