Confessions

maybe i did settle for the last two bfs i had. idk, they both dumped me though. i thought the last one was sexy for so long… but he was a shit bf. he also cheated on me.. i think i must be ugly or i just have no self esteem or something’s gotta give cause i’m not doing this anymore. I am worth something. i am worthy of love and affection and romance, and god knows i’ve given it out to these guys, they just don’t give anything back but i keep giving anyway. that’s what low self esteem is. i thought it was my fault they weren’t giving as much as i was. maybe they didn’t find me that cute or whatever, but that’s still stupid of them to waste BOTH of our time on someone who they didn’t find worth it. if i wasn’t worth it, let me go- well, they did- but idk. i hope someone finds me beautiful one day, beautiful enough to marry and have children with even. beautiful enough to look me in the eyes every morning and think, god, how did i get so lucky?

I like you. A lot. I thought I wouldn’t. I thought it was just alcohol talking, but now I’m stone cold sober and all I think of you. And how I want to be with you. And how you probably don’t want to be with me because it WAS probably just the fact that you were drunk, and the room was dark and I was there. I feel like crap. I feel like I shouldn’t like you because you only “like” girls for one night at a time. But then again you “liked” me for two. And I want it to happen again. But I over think things. And when I see you you joke around and say mean things. Sometimes you’re nice but most of the time we keep up this act, these playfully hateful words. But I just want to crack the facade. I want you to be nice to me and hug me in public and admit that there IS something there. Everyone around us sees it and I want you to see it to because each time someone points it out to me is like a stab in the chest. Like me the way that I like you. I can’t keep playing this game.

Iam so fucking tired of this marriage.the sex is horrible,and i never know when i might even get some. sometimes i might go one to two weeks without getting any sex,and i am so tired of it.I am looking for a white female because black women dont know anything about sex anymore.i am so fucking tired of this damn marriage.

Wow right now on my media player is the song I want to know what love is…..how fitting. It’s been about a week since I found out she has a girlfriend. Since I’m out of ‘the loop’ I was of course the Last to know. Ugh, and I found out by seeing pics of them together online. Damn pics! It’s been one hell of a week. I’ve cried, felt suicidal, anger, denial the whole works. It’s hard to put into words what I think or feel. It’s been hard admitting wow this is it, she’s really moved on and so much faster than me. I love her, and I now know that it’s okay to love someone even if they don’t love you back, even if you feel it’s more than you love yourself….because love is a wonderful beautiful thing. I’m not going to fight it anymore and just be. It’s so hard, but Of course since I love her I want her to be happy.

I find some comfort and thinking about the kind of person I want to be with-would I really want to be with someone who doesn’t respect or have true feelings for me?

I can only hope and pray that I too will find that happiness I had with her, at least on some level with someone else-someday. I can only hope and pray that someone will feel for me at least Half of what I feel for her.

we’ve been going out for 3 months, almost. i dont even like you. i like the boy who you dont like. i like the boy i fell inlove with a month into our relationship. i wish i could grow balls and end this, but somehow i keep you around. only because the sex is good.

Get out of my house and my bed you bitch-

Last night was incredible. I can’t get the feel of you out of my mind. The visions of the ecstacy we shared. The way you fucked me.

I am watching Law and Order: SVU right now, and the episode is about sexual sadism and how early experiences leave imprints upon your brain, especially if they are shocking, terrifying or impossible for a young child to comprehend… The urge to act out those acts in a way to redeem one’s self or to control the situation that caused you so much terror and pain.

I was molested when I was 3 by a babysitter, and then later by my dad (to a degree I am unsure of because I blacked out most it). You know this. We have talked about it. You have held me while I cried. Something happened to you too, I just don’t know what. I wish you could tell me, but I know you don’t recall everything either. I think you were molested, and/or treated roughly by your uncle, father and anyone else. And your mother stood by and did nothing. Just like my mother did.

When we fuck, you like for me to resist you, to fight you, and then let you fuck me anyway. I love it. The very thought makes me so wet, even just typing it. You sometimes whisper in my ear, telling me what a dirty little girl I am… Teasing me, making me cum over and over again. Kissing me softly, then so hard, lifting me up and then throwing me down on the couch as you pull my panties off.

I tease you too, pulling you close than pushing you away. Watching you fuck me. Screaming out as I cum all over you. I tell you everything that comes to my mind as you are deep inside of me. How I want to be your dirty girl. What a dirty little slut I am (I sleep with other men and he knows this, but loves me just as I am). I tell you to punish me for being bad. I tell you about how I have masturbated thinking about you licking me… Damn, I am getting wet again. Each comment, each story, makes you come harder.

I remember when we first started having sex, how you thought my orgasms were fake. Clearly, now you know they aren’t.

You are 13 years older than me. I am 32, you are 45. You are a father. We roleplay all the time. You would never hurt or touch your daughter, I know this. The way you act is so much different than my own father, but sometimes when we are fucking the fact you are a father turns me on, just like it turns you on that I still look like I am 24, just like it turns you on to ‘rape’ me. I know I am more into it than you are, but still… I can’t help but think we are a psych paper waiting to be written.

We have regular sex too, soooo full of love. Tender and gentle. Like the way you held me last night, with me curled up on your chest, held close to you… So close.

Last night, even as you fucked me, I couldn’t help it, I broke the role and pulled you close to me, sat in your lap and kissed you deeply, held you so tight, and I thought… I love this man… I love this man…

I think you have ruined sex for me. I can’t go be with anyone else, because how else would I explain my fantasies. I can’t go back to regular sex now, it doesn’t get me off. I think I do this to gain control over situations I never had a choice in. The fact you are a father, and still love me, that you would never do this to your daughter, but you do to me gives me a sense of peace I can’t explain.

Also, I never told you this, but last night I was ovulating and I stopped taking the pill. I don’t want to have a child with you, yet here it is almost 7pm and I still haven’t taken the morning after pill. I am going to go take it now.

I don’t know what I’m doing. You say you love me but you clearly don’t. Your outside conversations, which yes, I’m tracking, make it clear that you’re hanging on for the sex and companionship while still lining up dates and lying to me about it. You are a total two-face and you don’t care that you’re hurting me. You care more about having hurt the girl you cheated on me with than you do about hurting me now. Your priorities are so epically fucked up it’s absurd.

I just want someone real to talk to.

I’m no where near the same person that you fell in love with. She is dead and gone. I miss her too.

I wonder, too, what would’ve happened that night.

Honestly, I’m bat shit scared of starting conversations

😐

I hate fucking you.

There was more in that smile than I let on. Until then I had been feeling a bit foolish as the only one to have said the word “love”.

I noticed later I was avoiding looking you in the eyes. I hope you didn’t find it rude. I just didn’t want to get lost.

I suppose the only way you’ll move away is if you get accepted into SCAD but I really doubt an art school will accept you, considering you submitted stolen art into an art show at your last school and lost your scholarship because of it.

I don’t want you to get something you don’t deserve, but I sure as hell don’t want you anywhere near me either.

I feel stupid and guilty for being depressed over the divorce when there are thousands of people in Japan dying and hidden under the rubble.

the nursing program i wanted to get into is rejecting me before i even apply. i feel useless.

The way you make me feel? Yeah, I can’t even begin to put that into words; all I know is that it’s akin to amazing. Tomorrow is the day. Luck of the Irish and all.

I wonder what you’ll do when you finally have an informal harem, none of whom know about each other. I wonder if you’ll have conscience enough to come clean. I want to see what you’ll do.

I’m not going to stop you or call you on it. Not this time.

This time, I’m going to let you hang yourself in lies.

I’ve had sex with a wonderful man not my husband. It’s so wonderful when we are together. Never thought I’d do this. I love him and he adores me.