Confessions

i dont need you to tell me whats intimate and not between two people and kissing.
the song Grenade is a sweet song. realistically it wouldn’t be though. and the part where we were talking about how in what ways it is ‘trouble’ to open your eyes and you trying to explain how if the eyes are closed its a sign of trust is ridiculous. firstly, you haven’t even kissed anyone! you have a boyfriend but you have never met him. ive never had a boyfriend because all of them turn out to be douchebags and just play me, im a virgin, but i know what it is to kiss someone and be intimate. and the fact that you’re trying to explain to me what’s trusting, what’s intimate about a kiss, what makes you credible in anyway? i love you, youre one of the greatest friends ever, and we’ve been friends for the over 10 years now and still counting, but ever since you’ve confessed you had a boyfriend, you feel like you have this power of knowing about relationships and boys over me. you haven’t done a single thing with one yet, so please dont try to rub things in my face because of your relationship status.

How the HELL do delete a Hotmail account!? Grrrrr!

I never said no. I was too confused and scared. I was just a kid… does that mean it’s my fault?

I lie, all the time. I lie for no reason sometimes. I dont even really think about it anymore. I initially lied because I hated myself and wanted to be what I made myself instead of what someone else made me… I still hate myself and now lying has become a way of life. No one knows.

I can wait however long it takes (but can we cuddle between then and now?)

Music soothes me and leads my thoughts to you.

I miss you, Jay. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I thought you’d be upset about the surgery. I would make love to you if there were other circumstances. I can’t even do it the normal way because of genetics, anyway, have to check with the doctor first or use a condom most of the time. I love you.

i was the one that pressed the lever that made the counselor drop into the dunk tank unexpectedly. i didn’t know what would happen, and i was a curious 5th grader at a summer camp. why was the counselor so mean?

I dont know what I am doing here.

I’m about to delete every account I’ve made online in the last 10 years. I will shortly disappear without a trace. There is something very comforting to me in that.

I love you.

Sometimes I am greatly discouraged by the mean spirited, hateful people in this world.

I saw your feelings for me and once i realized who you were and the more i remembered my feelings for you became strong and i could see your feelings even more… But i felt guilty because during this discovery i was becoming besties with your girlfriend all the while knowing how you felt… Really

I have this problem where because I am so alone, I feel this strong attraction to almost any girl that laughs at my jokes and is interested in what I say. These instances happen so few and far between that I feel as though I will never get a girlfriend. Sure I want to lose my virginity but I really want to have experiences with her. Really I just want to cuddle on a couch, have a thing we do where we play with our feet together while watching some movie.

Maybe we go out to eat for her birthday, we go back to her or my house, whichever one is more convenient, and just have a romantic evening. I missed a large part of high school by not having that experience. There’s two months left, all I can do now is wallow in it.

And wallow I will, by myself, isolated on prom night. Breaking the promise I made to myself not to just lose my virginity like I tell some kids, but really broke the promise I made to be happy. I’ve been perpetually unhappy, and my junior high school insecurity followed me for too long into regular high school. I’m far over that now, and I just want to be friends with some of the people I thought would consider me an outcast.

Just build the pieces, one piece at a time. It’s all worthless though, there isn’t time to build real friendships, at least not for a social retard like myself. Even my brother has best friends. I just need to stop thinking about this for five seconds.

You discouraged me, again and again, from frivolous, chit-chat conversations. You are okay with me calling or stopping in when I really need something, but I don’t feel a call just to talk would be at all welcomed by you. Am I right? Wrong? I don’t even like to call when I need something now because if someone only called me when they needed something, I think I would feel used after a while. I am not so needy anymore. I have many others that I can call, but it’s you that I find myself wishing I could talk to. Why? I find such a rich treasure trove in each conversation. We are both full of knowledge, experience and even wisdom. We strengthen and very much sharpen each other. All that just makes it harder to understand the wall, the avoidance, between us. I don’t have to consume you, nor would I want you to consume me. *sigh* I hear the words “emotionally unavailabe”. Is that you? Me? Both of us? Neither of us? An explainable, unbreakable bond holds me near, yet an unscalable wall holds me out! Resignation has been my method to avoid the threatening madness of it all. WHAT IS THIS THING???????????????????????????????????????????? Fear, Love, Hatred, Repulsion, Brokeness, Wisdom, Rejection?????? Enough for now. Its buried here to dwell on no more tonight. On to things more productive. If only. . .

Even though it’s been a few months since we talked, I can’t help but facebook stalk you all the time. I love looking at your pictures, especially the one you put up where you look so angry – I can’t help but feel I’m the reason for it all.

To be honest? I think they should make it more difficult to get the medical marijuana card so that only legitimate patients can get it. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, severe social anxiety, agorophobia, ADD, chronic constipation, insomnia, and other actual medical conditions. :/

Im falling in love with u. its been the most amazing 2 weeks of my life. u r everything opposite of wat i use to want, but now all i want is u. You are with that guy and u dont even know how to let him go. he doesnt work, doesnt go to school, doesnt pay the bills, doesnt do n e thing but make love to u. Hes a scum bag who mistreats u. the saying goes ” treat your lady right, or someone bigger, better and badder than u WILL treat your lady right”. Im that guy hun. I pomise u, with my life, i will take care of u. just give me a chance to prove it to u. i will take care of u. im not the best, im not. im far from it, but im better than him. cant stop thinking about u.

I always feel like I’m too taxing this kid I’m friends with. I mean, yeah, he’s told me before that I’m not, and that he likes talking to me, but he is literally the only person I talk to. I am a person who has been depressed my whole life, and I don’t know what effect my depression has on those who I talk to.

I mean, it’s clear to anyone who talks to me for longer than a minute that I’m not the happiest camper around, even if I try to always make light of my situation. I just say and do things that indicate that I am not confident in myself, not confident in how good I am. I sometimes feel like I’m never going to get a girlfriend, and I have a hard time imagining that I will have friends in college. I always think that I’m this ugly kid whose got a good sense of humor and no one takes seriously; the sad part is that most of it is true, and that’s my real opinion. I try to make it otherwise but it never really works out. No one thinks of me as someone who they can really relate to other than this group of asshole kids I’m trying to space myself from.

I mean, let’s face it; I feel uncomfortable at parties, I am not a very physical person, I am always second guessing myself, and I don’t feel as though I can truly be myself around almost anybody. I’ve had one kiss in my life, and I’ve never even asked a girl out on my own. I don’t know how to see if a girl likes me or she just thinks of me as a friend, and confuse the two constantly.

The only thing that’s remained constant for me is my unhappiness in life. I am not suicidal, but I generally have this feeling that I just don’t really matter to anyone outside of immediate family. If I were to die I would be mourned, but I wouldn’t have a major impact on anyone outside of that one kid.

I just watched 28 Weeks Later, and it sucked. I won’t tell you that though.