Confessions

i have a stack of apology cards… when was the last time I felt I did not make people uncomfortable. All of a sudden, i remembered most of this generation doesn’t know how to have a face to face conversation. How can this stop happening?

Something has changed. My dreams are increasingly prophetic now.

I miss you john.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with my ex anymore, he’s a real shit head who I could never trust or feel good about being with. It’s why I broke up with him in the first place……………………
yet we meet up once a week and have out of this world sex.
I can’t say no. Even when I resolve not to have anything to do with him, my actions completely betray me. I’m not stupid. I know this is just going to get me into trouble. I’m a female with sentimental attachments and sex isn’t going to help that……… and not just sex. Amazing nights where we get along like the old days.
It will literally be my worse nightmare if I were to fall in love with him again.
What’s worse is that I know he’s sleeping with other girls… or playing around or whatever you want to call it……… and I’ve started dating someone too..
Fuck fuck fuck. What is wrong with me.

It’s 12:53 am here in california and I won’t sleep because I don’t have to.
My mother left for a few days and I have the house to myself (:

heheehe
<3 britt

Dear Mother,
Keep your son. I don’t even want to be here anymore in this apartment with you.
-Me

i want to disappear. i want to disappear. i want to disappear. i want to disappear. i want to disappear. i want to disappear.

After reading a previous anonymous confession about compliments I realized something…..I don’t ever ever ever get compliments. Am I just not pretty enough, or good enough or smart enough or anything to get them?

Your story is damn epic, and I’ve said so many times. It’s inspired me to look at you in a whole new light. But I feel like an asshole, because there’s one thing I can’t get past.

I’m not racist, I swear. But I’d honestly love you- if only you weren’t black.

I had a big fat GAYYYY crush on you. There, you bitch. I’m gay and you were supposed to be my best friend, and I was in love with you.

The end.;

So I was talking to an old friend today, and was talking about how this guy had seriously hurt her some time back, I mean he put her in the hospital in a coma and shit.Almost left her kids without a mother, yes-it was that bad. I said well you must really hate him for what he did to you.Her response blew me away, she said, at first I felt betrayed,lost and angry.I acted out in anger myself to what had happened to me and stopped feeling almost any sort of feelings at all.I became someone I did not like because of that experience in a whole. And then she said-but because of that experience, in the end I found myself again.And I forgave him for what all happened.With that experience I was reborn, I had to loose myself to learn who I really was.Honestly, she is an amazing woman,full of life and compassion for others like I have never seen before. Sorry ass who ran her over, be glad I wasn’t around at the time. You wouldn’t have gotten away with it, that I can gaurantee. I love my friend,and you supposedly loved her when you did that to her.Glad she wised up sorry ass!!You will never know this woman like we have,she is cherished!!And I believe an angel sent from God to teach us all how to live harmonously with others.

I fucking hate you so much right now. We are around the same age and we could be so good together. We love the same music, films and our jobs pretty much cross all the fucking time.

But for some reason you choose to hook up with 60 year old white guys who are either fat, balding or creepy who just want a token asian toy boy and you leave me finishing off my drinks on my own. Sorry dude, you dont know how much you’re missing out.

Not being able to find a job over the past year has made me come to doubt my abilities and self-worth.

I have undergraduate and graduate degrees from prestigious schools, and it doesn’t seem to matter. I have 5 years working experience and have been volunteering for about a year in exactly the field in which I’m trying to get a job, and that doesn’t seem to matter either.

If I have the qualifications and still no job offers, doesn’t that mean it’s just me who isn’t good enough?

I used to think I was smart and capable, and now I think I was just fooling myself the whole time.

I know you tried to get me fired you stupid little bitch. I took that note you wrote; you’re not nearly as smart as you think you are. I hope someone knocks you off that high horse of yours, you sure as hell deserve it. So you didn’t get the answer you wanted: get the fuck over it and grow up! There was literally NOTHING I could do about it.

No, it wasn’t an accident. I knew you wouldn’t have anything other than your enormous ego hurt, so yeah, I did it. I don’t feel bad at all, and it made me feel better. I wonder if you’re still as horrible now as you were then. If I knew you at all, you are.

I became exceedingly drunk last night at a friend’s house. As usual, he took the play-fighting too far and hurt my nose and one of my front teeth. Nothing broken or missing, but my nose is sore as fuck to the touch and my teeth hurt, although they aren’t crooked and still feel solidly placed within my mouth. He is a stagnant waste of my time, who will not advance past manipulating his friends and his broken family. He makes me sick to think about him.

I am cutting ties with the people who are bad influences on my life. he got me into drinking. he got me into smoking weed. I recently quit though. I refuse, I REFUSE to be brought down by him. I will be successful. I will be healthy. I hate you. I truly do, and those words carry deep meaning coming from someone who was raised on the principles of peace, love, and happiness. I can safely say I only truly hate two people I have ever met. He is one of them.

When you hurt me as much as you did last night, you made me realize how much of a fucking piece of shit you are. You will eventually kill someone, I know it. Your entire family has a stark history of mental illness. Your mom is an addict, one of your sisters battles with a skewed self image and eating disorders whilst the other is a violent, self harming, pornographic leech who sucks from the teet of the state while escaping reality with hard drugs. You can barely hold a five minute conversation with your twisted and disconnected father whose emotions and attitude can flip quicker than an SUV taking a hair pin turn at excessive speed. The verbal and physical abuse that follow shortly after are akin to the wreckage and the driver being ejected; horrifically fixating. All of these, ALL OF THESE disorders were instilled in you since the day you were born cold, wet, naked, and hungry. You are all things wrong with the world. You simply do not deserve to be alive. I mean that. What if our third friend was not there last night. You would have killed me if he did not pull you away from me long enough for me to drunkenly jog several miles in the dead of night.

You sicken me. You inspire a macabre amalgamation of guilt, distrust, self confidence issues, and a quiet, unyielding anger.

I cannot wait to sleep, and then exercise tomorrow, I know it will help me feel better.

Suicide? Yeah, I’ve considered it in the past.

Self harm? Yep, I thought about it a few months ago, actually.

Depression? I’m recovering.

My confession? I’ve been through the lowest point in my life and I still came out the other side alive. I’m determined to get better to show that it is possible for things to get better.

I promise you, whatever happens in your life that makes you feel like crap raised to the infinite power (if that even exists – I obviously do not pay much attention in math class), you CAN get through it.

I beat it.

You can too. Just stay strong – you can make it, beautiful. <3

…I confess that I really, really don’t like you very much anymore. You’re not the same person you were when we met…or maybe you are, and I was just too blind to see it.

Either way, you’ve ultimately treated me like garbage, and I’d just as soon shove a stick up my arse, pour hot caramel on my head and turn myself into a fucking candy apple before I’d go to your lousy wedding. (Though I’d happily pay thousands for front-row tickets to the ugly, ugly divorce that you will surely have.)

I’m in a magical forest, surrounded by friendly giants. I’m flying in the sky, hopping on clouds. I’m in a royal castle, holding court. This is my imagination. I make everything more grand, more exciting, more fun.
What’s real? I’m alone. I’m scared. I hide down deep inside myself. I leave my body. I see myself. I’m that sad little girl, the one the others humiliate. I’m that daughter, the one her father is screaming at. I’m that student who has stopped trying to succeed. No one tries to understand this sad little girl. Maybe they just want her to go away. Maybe that’s what she wants. Maybe she just wants to disappear.
I’ll pretend it’s not happening. I’ll pretend I don’t hear the insults, don’t feel the shoves, don’t see the way teachers ignore me. I’ll pretend I’m in some other place. In my imagination, I’ll be alone. I’m always alone.

you’re one of my closest friends. i’m in love with you and you say the kindest things to me, but i think you’re just being a good guy. 🙁