Confessions

I want a guy like him except not married or with kids. Something has got to be wrong with me.

I think I’ve hit a stage of no turning back. I’m tired of bearing the weight of everyone on my shoulder, and being the perfect one. I’m tired of trying to live out the expectations, I want to be me, and that’s what I need to do.

completely embarrassed that i’ve dated you. completely.

the truth-or several truths is this….

I don’t know why I’m with you. I’m angry at you for all the mean and stupid- HEARTLESS- things you did. I don’t care that they were a couple years ago. You’ve never apologized. I cried. You love me? Then you’re not supposed to do things just to make me cry. You were mean. Fucking BRUTAL. Physically, mentally AND emotionally.

Still-

I think about us getting married. I THINK about it. Even though I know you still pine for ‘her’ and would go back to her in a heartbeat if you could. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me. I keep thinking it’s GOT to be Stockholm syndrome or something…

I know how hard you’re trying to change for me. But I don’t know what it’s for. I still don’t trust you won’t fuck around or try to fuck around or flirt dangerously with one of your female ‘friends’ or any woman you can find. I know you’re a dog and you’re not going to convince me you can go from being a dirty manwhore to a saint overnight. I have a dirty gut feeling you’re doing something- SOMETHING- behind my back. No matter how ‘minor’ you deem it. It’s that or it’s something you have done behind my back already. Well, I’m sure there are many *somethings*. Things that if I found out about them, you would freak out because you know I would pounce on them as a reason for getting the hell away from you. I will forever believe that you and Jen fucked, by the way.

I daydream of ‘him’. The guy that comes along, calls you out and tries to sweep me out from under you. I think of him as ‘Jeremy’. He’s going to make you shit your pants because you’re going to know you don’t deserve me as much as he does.

I don’t know where I’m going in life with you. I love you on some level but i am so far removed from you. Like there is just some THING between you and I- aside from hostility. Just… something on some level that keeps us from joining completely.

I like the other day that you said you wanted this to work. That as opposite as we are, somehow it works. I want you to want me. Not want me because I’m here and what’s left. I want you to feel good and okay that she’s not here anymore and I am.

I don’t even know why I’m here. How we got together. I know HOW, I just don’t know how because it wasn’t one of those things where either of us had made a conscious decision to BE with someone. You were already with someone and I was happily single. And yet here we are. I’ve been trying to figure it out. It hurts my brain.

There’s more but I’m tired, I’ve had a few beers and I’m going to bed. You have lifted me up and slammed me down to the ground more than anyone or anything i’ve ever known. I don’t think you’re good for me. But I don’t know what to do about it.

If I ever get enough money or if i won the lottery, I’d leave your ass in a heartbeat. Because your house is a dump, your kids lazy, stupid and filthy and because I LOVE having my own space. You have used my ‘living in your house’ against me long enough. I want and daydream of having my own place almost every day. Every day. Especially when I see your dumbfuck of a kid has pissed all over the toilet seat again.

I want to fuck my husband with a strap on right now!

i want to go to my high school reunion with my nose job and be fucking HOTT and make all the popular girls feel like shit. yeah, im petty like that..

im soo fucking ugly its amazing i didn’t realize it earlier.

I think I’m going to start cutting again. I don’t have enough money to smoke, sex is far off, could just block out the world with reading like last time but that killed my grades. People say cutting is so bad but it doesn’t have long lasting effcts (except scars) and I don’t want to kill myself so it seems like the safest route to escape.

“CAPTCHA
This question is to try to prevent assholes from ruining the site.”

So hard when im tripping!!

Ive noticed a bunch of rather large patches on my walls things. Im thinking someone used to live here that was very angry.

I like him more than I care to honestly admit. It scares the fuck out of me.

I can’t breathe.

I put on a happy face and it hurts.

I think its time to hate. I was stupid to let down my guard. Nothing else is working. I have got to let go. Ihate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!

My roommates are gorgeous, which makes me feel like a disgusting pig. I feel like the fat friend that guys have to be nice to or my friends won’t look at them. Whenever i start feeling like this i just want to go back home. I’ve never been so depressed. I feel like i’m in their shadow. They have such strong personalities that forces my timid one to the side. I can’t even talk to my best friend, one of my roommates, about it because i’m so embaressed of it. I’m supposed to be the one that doesn’t care what people think. If only they knew…

I think I’m ready to love again. This is so scary but I hope someone can prove to me what you couldn’t … that it could also be wonderful. I’m still not positive that I won’t run away at the first chance I get, but I want to love someone again.

Im happy, is that strange?

Jeez fam stop being so assumptive, you got some whisperer in your earer ? You havent lived my life therefor you havent been every where i go. Stay out of my personal business. Im not some psyco on the edge. Im just honest and not afraid to be about who i am. Im actually in a really good mood and judt felt like saying something about myself. Maybe im being paranoid but the calls were pretty well timed. Gross.

I will always love you but I know that if I don’t go and do this for myself I will regret it forever. I hope you forgive me, and and stay with me anyway. It’s only four years. We can do it, just please don’t leave.

I don’t talk to my dad anymore. I tell people it’s because he’s not good for me, because he’s not; because I’m angry at him for choosing alcohol over his family, which I am. But it’s mainly because I know I’ll end up forgiving him for all of the pain he’s caused.