Confessions

i love you but i hate when you just say “i’m sorry” when i’m upset. you have no idea why you’re apologizing and the words are empty because you won’t change it for next time. i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to leave you, but i don’t want to be this upset every time you don’t prioritize

I wish we could talk to each other.

I had a once in a lifetime kind of connection with someone and I went off and did my own thing because I thought that pursuing my career and credentials were more important than following him. Now he’s hitched and having a kids with someone else and I couldn’t be more regretful that I didn’t stay close.

Don’t let fear or material lust get in the way of being with those you are happy around. If you love someone, let them know. And then make it a point to stay close to them, don’t let them go.

I am 16, I have fallen in love with a video game character. I masturbate every day and I have a serious thing for redheads, my favourite pornstar is Dani Woodward. I have fallen in love with Claire Redfield from resident evil, i always have sexual fantasies about her. We normally go around shooting zombies and then we screw. I also have a serious obssesion with guns though I have never held or used one. My greatest hope is I might get a girlfriend one day but it is not likely till I go to uni. (1 more year to go)

I’m pretty sure I have herpes, haven’t been tested, but it’s pretty red and a little itchy. Didn’t forget to wear a condom, just didn’t have the intelligence to wash my hand before touching my dick. This is what the word “ugh” was invented for.

I wish you would talk to me.

I swear I can still feel his touch on me… and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

Admit it, we had a connection from the moment we met. The proverbial spark, love at first sight. I tried to concentrate on the work at hand, but I felt like a school girl. That first day, for a few hours, I didn’t know what hit me. And then you were gone. I waited the six weeks for you to come back to town, to have that one day to work with you again. I thought it was something I had imagined, made up in my head. But we worked together again. It was awkward at first, because we didn’t know how to act. But as the day wore on, we felt comfortable. You winked at me several times, and I smiled and giggled. I tried to stay professional with work, but it was obvious. The best moment of the day was when you sat next to me while I wrote my paperwork. You said nothing, but sat there with me. It was sweet. You didn’t exist in my world, and now you’re all I think about. I’m not sure what to do with you. We work together once a month. You don’t live here. But you make me think of marriage and children…how is that possible? I don’t know you. But you are what I want. I never would have believed in such a thing, but thank you for making me believe, even if it never happens. You exist, and I am grateful for being reminded of the good I had forgotten.

I am soo bored!!!!

I have convinced myself again and again these few short years that I would find someone else or that I would just be okay alone. I allowed myself to dream dreams and to work hard in that direction. Spring is usually my favorite time of the year, but I have such unrest right now in my spirit. The realization hit me today that I can’t survive without intimacy in my life. Why I can’t is a mystery, but I can’t. Even if someone could love me for me, I am too wounded and afraid to let them. Horror courses through my veins as I see the end, not as I wanted it, but how it really will be. There will be no fulfilled dreams, no more laughter filled hallways. This is all I have, my aloness, and even that for only a short time. I have struggled against the truth for long enough. Its time to stop chasing fading rainbows and to set things in order. They don’t deserve to be left with my chaos.

I haven’t had a job for awhile, I gotta have it easy. I might get out of here for awhile.

I still have alot of money from saving so maybe I should get away. Need to move out you know I’m 23 and finished college but life never gave way to my maturity. I haven’t even had a chance to prove myself in a proper position so whats the deal?

This is grounds for devorce.

so i should be really happy right now, i have an awesome boyfriend and good friends and everything is pretty cool for me right now. but i find myself very depressed for no reason. i shouldnt feel this way especially because i am spending like 4 days alone with my boyfriend right now…. we have been dating for like 3 weeks and he already told me he loves me, which is cool but im not there yet and now i feel pressured to say it back sooner than i would like to, i dont want to say it untill i feel it but idk. i dont like that i fel this way but idk what to do and im glad i have this outlet to proclaim how i feel

After 3 years of being together, 1 1/2 of which we were married, i just found out today that my husband signed up for an online dating site 2 months after we got married. WTF!!!

I think about him every minuet of everyday. I wish I was exaggerating, but unfortunately I’m not. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of him, I can’t look at someone else and not compare them to him. I feel like a fucking crazy person, it’s like he’s haunting me. I barely even knew him, but I knew him enough to be near him and not feel uncomfortable, not flinch when he brushed my hair off my face and held my hand while we gushed about comic books most notorious anti-hero. I know I’m annoying everyone around me, I know they want me to just get over it like I’ve gotten over those before him. Thing is, I’ve never had this problem. I’ve never been able to say that i don’t’ want anyone else. He’s amazing, talented, every kind of cool, smart, funny, he loves space and sci-fi, he goes to the gym and feels like an outcast because everyone else there is a candidate for Jersey Shore and he’s far from that. He has countless tattoos and all of them are grey and white, because he is bothered by mixing colour with grey and white. He has an awkward haircut so he wears hats and bandannas everywhere, I usually hate that but he makes it his own. He’s charming and sweet and opens the car door for me. He loves the bands I love, and plays my favourite songs on second dates on my first guitar. He respects sex, even though he could have almost any girl really. He loves his job, and makes good money. He play’s guitar low slung and sultry, with a vicious bite in his voice to make the floor beneath the girls in the front row shake and tremor. I’m at the back of the club, taking it all in, admiring his unintentional swagger and smirking when he trips over his patch cord. He has me whole heartedly, no questions asked not a second of hesitation but he can’t let go of the girl who doesn’t want a thing to do with him. The very same girl who kicked his heart to the curb for someone he thought was loyal. I wish I could stop this, I feel sick, dizzy and turned around, lost in a sea of desperate conversations I have with myself, wishing it was him replying instead of my own madness. I never thought this would happen to me, I never thought I’d be so hung up on someone I was hardly with; I didn’t even fall in love. I never thought I’d be going through your old pictures, trying to find a face to put to a name I don’t have of someone who has your heart. I want to let go of that last glimmer of hope that maybe, you want to be with me more than anyone else, that maybe you think yourself to sleep about me, tossing and turning in bed alone, wishing you could let go too.

I wish you chose me, more than anything.

I wish I had the courage to tell him why I don’t want to be around him anymore. The things he says to me make me feel rotten about myself. Nothing I do is ever right or good enough. Since it seems to be a recurring theme in my relationships, I am starting to believe it again. I will never be good enough for anyone or anything. Maybe the reason everything they say to me is negative and the reason why not one person encourages the good in me is because there is nothing good there. I don’t want to be around anyone right now because if what they say is true, then I have nothing to live for. Looking at myself through their eyes, it seems like I have failed at the very things that I live for.

I saw your car tonight. Ever since you sold it a month ago I have been looking at every car I’ve seen of that make and colour to see if it is yours-to see if it has your bumper sticker on the back. And the funny thing is I wasn’t looking tonight, and there it was. Kind of another symbol of how we are over. That car that I know so well and have so many memories in is now someone elses and you have forgotten all about it, don’t care about it anymore. You are no longer mine and you don’t care about me anymore. You hve a new car that I’ve never even seen or been in, you are creating new memories that I’m not a part of. I wanted to text you tonight and tell you id seen your old car-I thought you’d like it, that you’d be interested. It’s something I would hve done if i’d seen any car that used to belong to a friend. But we’re not friends. After everything we’ve been through and how you promised you wanted to make our friendship work-you just couldn’t be bothered. So I didn’t and won’t text you. I’ll be sad about it, but I’ve tried for over a year and it’s all been taken for granted. Instead I’ll satisfy my need to tell someone by coming here-and you’ll never know.

God give me the strength to not act like a complete tool around people I like. Amen.

I have a goddamn lazy eye. I had to find out, after I posted a picture of myself. I don’t know what’s worse: Having a lazy eye or nobody telling me I have one and going this long thinking I’m fine.

please D, talk to me on bbm and tell me you miss me desperately.

I would give it all for one moment of certain love from you.