Confessions

I missed my period completely, but the test said negative…

I brush my teeth once, maybe twice a month.

I realized this morning, that I could skip every single hour of my day, and spend it sleeping, because there’s a different reality behind my eyelids. I never ran away, and you never died. We just got married, and we’re starting a family.

Maybe if I spend more time asleep than awake, that will become reality, and this will be my dream.

for the past week, i’ve been hating on a group of people…
i’m really ashamed about it. i shouldn’t have singled them out like that; truth is, i just couldn’t understand my situation.. but nothing i say will justify what i did.

i’m sorry.
sorry i offended you. sorry you had to see that side of me.
i’m ready to move on now though. i admit i was naive, but despite the bleak outlook i had on everything, i’ve learned and actually grown from my experiences.

i’ll think twice before mindlessly hating like that again. i have to remember how human and fragile you are, too. i have a lot of reasons to dislike you, but a lot more to be kind.

i think i want to like my boyfriend more than i do.
he is kindest, sweetest, most gorgeous boy i’ve ever met, i know i’m exceptionally lucky to be with him, although he’s always adamant that he’s the lucky one. he’s amazing. and yet, i feel a distinct lack of love. i want to love him. is wanting enough?

you broke my heart

I had to drive. I had to think. I wept bitterly, but I found the answer I was looking for. Its not to give up on me. The answer is to give up on loving you. You would have no way of knowing for sure it was me, but some time back I made a promise to wait for you. I was ignorant of the true cost of that commitment. I have nothing left with which to continue paying on a gift that likely was never wanted from the start. I can’t wait. If I do, it is only a mound of dirt that you will one day reap. I’m trading fading rainbows for reality now. Someone out there is a ready for love as I am. I have hurt long enough. Please, let me go easy (if you ever even wanted me). I am so sorry for the times I hurt you lashing out in my own pain. Please forgive me. I never meant to do anything but love you.

i showed him my boobs for money to go on the field trip, next i let him rub my nipples for money for a new messenger bag, now he wants to suck my nipples for 40 dollars. i need the money, i can never get any from my aunt and she screams at me if i even ask… he’s kinda old and fat and gross but i just close my eyes and pretend he’s someone i like from school that i wish was doing it instead. he says i have to sit on his lap when he sucks on my nipples… i should stop this soon. but i am in kind of deep, i let him take a couple of pictures of my boobs already, he wants to take some of my pussy when i am ready…. i wish my mom was still alive…

I miss you.

I just realized that I need to find a new 11:11 wish. The one I’ve been wishing for this past month came true this afternoon.

I still believe.

I wonder if you can still hear the whispers.

You used to care. Or maybe I just thought that you did.

universe, what is going on? Why is my life the way it is? My lif has never been so stagnant before?

I thought I could handle remaining friends with him after that very long overdue makeout session (which he initiated) a couple of weeks ago. After noticing, however, the lack of attention I received last night (even after telling myself that I don’t care), I don’t think I can. I get pangs of jealousy when I see him talk to other girls. It’s like I’m back in high school again…and feel like such a groupie…and I don’t like it one bit. Ugh…why must my feelings for him be resurrected??

Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall

Everything about 2011 has gone horribly wrong and I don’t know how I can continue living like this. I know I need to change, but I don’t even know what to change, let alone how to do it. This is my first weekend off of work in ages, and I don’t have anyone to spend it with. Even my parents are too busy to hang out with me.

sobriety is the most boring thing i have ever experienced in my life. and i hate it.

I have a hard time keeping my mind in the real world. It’s a horrible shock finishing any sort of novel. Maybe my imagination is too strong…

I wish he knew how bad the way things are is hurting me. I wouldn’t turn back the clock and undo it all. I would never have survived without him. But now I feel trapped in this constant, unbearable pain. I fell in love, even though I never meant to. He saw it and ran. I lost him completely and I am left with nothing but the resentment I feel toward myself for how much I still want and need him. The pain of constantly seeing what I am not good enough to have is killing me. I would be happy with anything at all but he wants nothing to do with me. I came so far, only to find myself in a situation just as painful as the last. I can’t escape the pain, rejection and loss no matter how hard I try. If I could have the choice to run from it all, it would soon fade and not matter, but I can’t. I am literally without choice for a while longer. It is, without a doubt, true that I don’t have the strength to make it until I do have a choice. I don’t feel wanted or welcome anywhere. It scares me that the one thing that would never be an option to me sneaks across my mind so often now. I can’t live this way anymore. I just can’t.