Confessions

I endure alone. Too scared to move forward, yet without strength to live even one more day this way. How I dread these days without you. I want to hate you. I want to run. No, I want to be in your arms where I feel safe but if not then let me hate or run or… or just let me go away forever. It’s just that I don’t have anywhere else to go. He didn’t want me. They don’t want me and you? I am nearly certain you don’t either. Even death will only come close enough to taunt me. I belong no where. You have your friends, your family. I just plod along each day hoping for something, anything healthy to make me feel alive. When at the end of the day, hope hasn’t found me, I begin to think. . . . No, tomorrow will be better, I tell myself. Please know that this is not really about you. These strivings I have, these longings, these feelings of love, of hate, of restless fear, of anger, of terror – they all run so much deeper than the “us” that never was, nor will ever be. This pain began at the precise moment that I did. A lifetime of being nothing to no one. Created to be vibrant and beautiful. Created to soar above the clouds but denied by the cruelty of others words and actions. They cut like knives into my very soul. I watch. You look at what I was created to be. You see it too, but it can never be. I fight and fight and fight. I want to scream that is a lie, but in the end, the wounds are too deep to ever heal. Love equals loss to me. My value was written on his wrist that day. He would rather die than be with me. How could I ever let another so close, only to destroy them too? Delusional, I know. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. I can say it over and over and it doesn’t change what’s written on my tortured soul. It doesn’t stop the night terrors that haunt me at the least hint of life’s difficulties. I will never let you in any closer because I cannot bear the thought of hurting you any worse than I already have. Please go. Please. You feel my pain as deeply as I do. I see it in your eyes. That only doubles my pain. You have done what you could for them. You can’t save me too. Go, please and be happy.

I’m addicted to porn and sex cam acivites via the internet. I know it will crush my GF (who I hope to soon marry) but I can’t stop. I just need help and forgiveness. God help me and forgive me. I don’t want to hurt her.

I am actually hoping you don’t reply to my message because I’m really ready to leave you behind now.

Doesn’t make sense.

if you cared you wouldnt still be here

I am not a whore!! I AM very passionate and driven sexually. I just want it to be in a relationship. Why is that asking so much? Call me old fashioned. Send me back in a time-machine. Whatever! Just stop asking to throw me in the sack if you don’t even have the balls to ask me for a date. You perverts sit around watching porno trash all the time until you don’t even recognize a real woman when you see one. Get your two minute jollies and go about your business wondering why you feel so depressed and lonely. Women have no respect for you. NONE. Any boy can play with his wiener. It takes a MAN to hit the off button and learn how to please a women. Not worth the trouble, you say???? How the hell would you know? Have you ever felt the ectasy of a healthy vibrant relationship? Ever?? The pond is full of worthless tadpoles. Hope you all croak!

I imagine smashing my head open on the nearest hard object at least 10 times a day.

I’m afraid to lose the weight, because what if I do and STILL no one will fuck me?

I see how thin I was on my crash diet, and I want that back. I want that back so badly that it hurts. The one thing that’s keeping me from being okay with me, is my appearance. If I can just have that body back…
I’m scared of sacrificing my health and wellbeing for it. It isn’t permanent. It isn’t good for you. But it worked for me. I got compliments. I felt pretty. /I want that back./

Please, someone save me.
Please, please, please.

its way easier to hurt myself when i’m drunk. I think it might be a problem.

I’ve been imagining my self dieing

1:at a laundrmat saw myself getting mugged
2:heared a noise in my house thought it was a killer
3:in the car I see myself in car accidents
This has Been going on for a while…

I’M SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ANYMORE THAN TO JUST BE ANGRY AT EVERYTHING!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! I HATE YOU< I HATE YOU!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! YOU STUPID FUCKING SMILE, YOUR FUCKING HUGS, AND WORST OF ALL I FUCKING HATE THAT FUCKING NICKNAME YOU ALWAYS CALL ME, I HOPE YOU LOSE YOUR FUCKING MARBLES AFTER I OFF MYSELF!!!! CAUSE IF THERE'S ANYONE I HATE MORE THAN YOU IT'S ME!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!! AND FUCK YOU TOO YOU BLOND FUCKING SMUT! YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE! I HOPE YOUR BIPOLAR MEDS RUN OUT AND YOU CUT YOURSELF! LASTLY FUCK YOU! I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON, AND FOR NO REAL REASON I kinda had a little hope. I don't know what you think of me, and i don't really think i should even care. YOU SHOULD BE NOTHING TO ME! I JUST WANNA FUCK YOU AND THAT'S IT! YOU AND YOU'RE FUCKING BALLET SHOES! YOU"RE JUST SOOOOOOOO FUCKING CLASSY WITH YOU FUCKING STOCKINGS AND EARINGS, THAT SHITTY EYE SHADOW, AND THOSE FUCKING BRACELETS! YOU'RE JUST SO FUCKING HIP, AND MODERN RIGHT? LIKE A 21ST CENTURY BOHEMIAN. THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME! WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN TO SOHO AND SELL YOURSELF FOR SOME ACID LIKE A REAL BOHEMIAN WOULD SO WE COULD FREE LOVE ALL ACROSS YOUR FUCKING DORM! that way i can just fucking leave when it's over and go get a goddamn bottle so i can drink something strong while i take all my fucking prozac at once

she makes it too painful to care about her.

I’ve been caught in a rut for a year and a half now.

I’ve been depressed for more than two years.

My friends had kept me going until yesterday. My best friend told me on Thursday that she would be there for me no matter what. Then yesterday, I was standing right next to her, crying, and she never even looked over at me – never noticed that I was even there.

Thanks for “always being there.”

I’m dreadfully lonely. I always find myself being singled out in school, at home, and anywhere else I go. At school, none of my friends ever even pay me the slightest bit of attention. At home, I get pushed aside by my two older siblings because I’m the youngest. I haven’t even had a girlfriend in the past year, but I’ve asked out about five girls and been rejected by every single one. I don’t know why it’s all happening to me. Sometimes I even get driven to the point of asking why God hates me or why he would have me be so miserable. The one girl who I am completely sure loves me is thousands of miles away and too old for me to date anyway until I’m older and the age difference seems smaller. While I’m sitting alone in my bed at night, staring atthe cieling, just WISHING that I had somebody to talk to, the only thing I can even think about is how all the idiots in the world who have someone to love or who have friends that really care for them don’t even know how damned lucky they are. Nobody even texts me any more except for my own mother, and that’s only for when she needs me for something. Not a single one of my friends has texted me, messaged me, called me, or emailed me in the last six months or more just to say hey, check out how I am, or start a conversation just because. I don’t even think anyone on this Earth cares about me, and I’m starting to consider suicide as an option. All I have been able to think about this entire year is how much I want someone to love. I don’t even remember the last time someone told me that they loved me and meant it in a serious way. I’m a “sweet” guy, and my only goal in any relationship is to make a girl feel special, beautiful, and loved. I’m sensitive enough to cry to songs that make me sad, and I’ll even do it in front of my friends for all I care. All I want in this life is to be loved and to have someone to love. If I can’t do that, I might as well not even live.

I fear rejection but if I know someone likes me…well, I just love to flirt. I would make a guy feel like a million dollars, given the chance. I just like a guy who will let me know, without a doubt, where I stand in his life (or where he wants me to stand – he may have to chase me a little – LOL).

Im really so sick and tire of the same shit every weekend! I love you but I’m almost at the point where I can say enough. Pack my shit and go for good. We’ll gone through this episode thousands of times and tonite Im sorry but I dont give a fuck!!!

You’ve been complaining we dont go out and when we finally have a chance to go out you dont want to. You act so prideful and you choose to stay home. Well you know what I had bought the tickets and now there’re in the trash. I hope your happy cause never again will I get my hopes up about going out anywhere with you. Its useless.

I was so excited that we were going to have a wonderful night. And with your bitterness crush that joy I had. Well you know I no longer am allowing you to bring to this point anymore. I’ve had enough with you. Im no longer going to let you keep me in misery. I’ve tried oh how I’ve tried. I alwasy tired to understand that your pass is fucked up and that what the X did wasnt right. But Im not him, I never once treated you like he did. But I guess you like to be treated like that casue me being nice hasnt worked out at all , right. So I say good bye to all the niceness I had. I guess its right that nice guys finish last.

YOu want a jerk, So a JeRK I’ll be!!!

I love you, but you love a good friend of mine. I probably couldn’t date you anyway because of what our friends might say. Still, that test said we were each within the top ten best matches for each other in the entire school. I don’t think it’s just a coincidence. I love you, and it hurts me every single day. It even makes me want to just kill myself now because knowing that I can never be yours is the worst feeling I can possibly have. Even seeing a picture of you or seeing your name somewhere gives me butterflies in my stomach. It’s because I love you, but I know you don’t love me. I need help or I may just end up dying over you. Please, please notice me. I know you love my friend, and that I shouldn’t say this, but I really find myself hoping that he doesn’t like you back so that you might consider me. At the same time, I want him to love you like mad so that you’ll be happy, because that’s all I’m supposed to care about if I really love you as much as I do. You’re absolutely beautiful, funny, kind, and just great to be around, but all of that just makes me even more upset. Sometimes I don’t want to see you or den think about you because I love you too much. If only you loved me the same way, I just know we could be happy together. Please, please, just give me some sort of closure here. I love you endlessly, so will you at least tell me if you love me too?

I have become so very….odd. I cannot stand it. I’m just ‘causing drama and acting like a fool.
It’s just that….every time I see happy couples at the store, I’m overcome with jealousy. I want what they have so very badly.

I want a lover who tells me that she loves me. Often. Someone who compliments me and calls me. Someone who wants me. I want what everyone else has.

And I know that she’s not that kind of girl. She’s soft and meek and laid back. And I know that. I’ve known that from the very beginning. So now that I find myself wanting these things, I feel like a stupid moron. I mean, I knew what I was getting into. I was shy, and aloof but now I find myself not being that way anymore.

Why can’t I accept what I have without wanting to change it?

But it’s just difficult all around. It makes me feel like I’m a friend, an afterthought, someone that she doesn’t really care about just because she won’t tell me. Like I’m stuck in a broken relationship escalator and it should be moving but it isn’t and everyone else is taking the stairs and I’m stuck on the escalator and I can’t even walk because one of my legs is broken. (Ok, that was not the best metaphor but it’s 3am, cut me some slack here)

I know that I’m important to her and that she cares. But I want to hear it. But I don’t want her to say it because I’m telling her to. That would just make it meaningless. (Which is what she’ll probably do and it’ll just make me depressed…)

Fuck. Why are emotions so fucking complicated? I wish I was a fucking robot. Just logical and cold and ace and just crushing numbers and being a robot.

And my life just gets getting messy and fucked up. My mom and I might get evicted and my stepdad is back to trying to kill me. And every night I cry myself to sleep because I feel so loveless and lonely.

I wish I was just a normal teenager.

And this confession probably makes no sense. I mean, it kind of does but not really, and it has bits and pieces of what I wanted to say but I’m so sleepy I just need to get this out so I can go to bed.

why do i feel like he’s about to dump me? again? we have so much that so many other people want and wish they had. can’t he just see the good in what we do have? is he taking this for granted? I feel like between the typed conversations and little time in person we have, we can’t talk. i feel like i can’t talk. but i have so much to say….