Confessions

even the feeling in the morning when i wake up is so different from how it used to be. i can’t tell what the fuck changed, it’s driving me crazy.

My back is freezing , i have a strange feeling of what i can only describe of my insides being pushed to the walls of my body not painful though. Theres also a feeling of like i need to scream as loud as possible. I wish i knew what this means. I kinda feel like i took a drug but i havent, and iits not a drug that gives a body buzz its more vacant.

Something feels wrong right now. Thats why i came here. Because i can feel these things.

i just want someone that will love me no matter what and care about me i just want someone who shares the same interests as i do. i wish i could find u i wish i new who u r so i can be with u and lay in ur arms and smell ur scent. ive been so hurt i just feel like dying. i want love i need love i need it. please come to me baby.

I didn’t love you enough. Thanks to the disaster, you found out. You didn’t make the cut of people I’d save. Not even after a year and a half. I’m not who you thought I was. I’m not who I thought I was.

Sham=Shame.

I was reading through people’s confessions about trying to lose weight. I thought to myself that maybe I should lose some weight, and then realized I’m eating a piece of cake right now. Fuck it, everyone is beautiful, being stick skinny is overrated.

i wish u didnt have to make me feel this way i wish u could just come running to me. i did nothing wrong everything i say just makes you flip. all i wanna do is lay in ur arms til the day after enernity. i hate that we have this tension i hate that u wont listen to me i hate you for doing this to me i hate u for not coming to see me i hate everything u did to me i hate that u always make me the wrong one and always find fault in what i do i hate that i love you to much to let u go i hate that ur the handsomest man ive ever seen in my life i hate this all i feel like dying its eating me from the insde i hate you but i love you. nothing matters to u nothing

i pretend i think i’m ugly to convince myself that guys like me for my personality but secretly i know i’m pretty and i know they don’t.

Last night, when I was talking to her, a tear rolled down the side of my face. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. This girl loves me for me. I never thought I was worthy of such love but I have it right now. I never want to let her go.

I don’t recognize myself in the mirror and I sort of get a kick out of being better than my friends because no one ever praises me on anything.

me and my elder cousin..well we kissed last year..twice i don’t know what had happened to me..damn i feel horribly guilty all the time….i should NOT have done that

well…i don’t want to hurt my boyfriend but even though he had forbidden me to call M at home..(no i was not alone with him..my parents were there)…but still i agreed to M’s proposal of coming home. i could not say no…he has done so much for me.
i also want to confess that i am attracted to M…i mean he’s so caring and understanding and A’s insecurities just drag me away from him towards M.
i am trying my best to get him out of my mind. and at night when i think of my life with A …i just don’t see him anymore it’s M now-a-days. i understand its wrong and i slap myself when these thoughts come into my head..but they just don’t go away…
i don’t know what’s with M but i really love A…its just that i find it difficult to trust him..whereas if there is one person that i know who will always be there for me is M.
am i doing wrong? of course i am. but A is like always doubting me and taunting me about M. it hurts once M gave me a flower i didn’t want to tell A but i told him and explained at least i was honest…he says,”be honest and tell me next time when he kisses you!”…what the hell? i don’t love him(M) its just a stupid attraction that will fade away….hopefully.

I could never have you. And that’s what hurts the most…

She’s the second girl i’ve ever been attracted to. Kinda like confirming my sexuality. We were just friends but now I’m gay too and things got out of hand. She has a girlfriend who she said she wouldn’t leave for me and I was fine with that because we were just having fun weren’t we? I was in too deep then, I had a small doubt in the back of my mind that I was but I ignored it. Tonight we kissed for the second time and she ran her hand up my leg. She also said that I had better not get with anyone at some party and make her jealous, we both just kind of stared at eachother. It was too far. Now everything is her, I notice when people walk the same as her, smell the same as her. We have so many memories already I know its gonna cut to the core when it has to end, because we both now its coming. We’re counting down the days before she moves back in with her girlfriend and our freedom is gone. Even if she did love me back this is crazy. Theres a four year age gap, I’m still at school. Shes changed my morals so now I have this secret life all filled with her, she changes me. I feel more reckless but I feel more free and happy, which is what I’ve always strived for. But when shes gone and I go back home and see the people that have no idea, I’m even more trapped because I know how green the grass is on the other side. Its far from ideal, but it sure is what I wish for at night. Just had to share this whole other side of me with someone (:

I regret not taking the opportunity to fuck your best friend while I was dating you. I know she was curious about being with a girl and I would’ve loved to break her in. She begged me to come meet her multiple times and I always declined out of respect for you and your feelings, even though you were a crazy fucking bitch who didn’t deserve my respect. I know you messed around with more than one guy when we were together and besides you already convinced yourself I was cheating on you with my ex (I wasn’t and there was nothing going on between us romantically). You never wanted to kiss or make out when I obviously indicated my interest. You would always make a huge fuss about needing me to come over your place and wanting me to stay the night, yet when I was physically in your presence you’d turn into the biggest ice queen and completely withhold any sort of affection in this fucked up manipulative back-and-forth game of yours. A girl has needs and I hate myself for having the decency NOT hook up with your very attractive friend while I was (unfortunately) dating you.

My boyfriend sucks.
Ok, actually that’s very unfair. He’s kind and sweet and spoils me. But I constantly feel as if he doesn’t respect me: my opinions, my looks.. etc.
I’m not tall and skinny and I don’t resemble a typical college hottie. He makes me feel ugly and fat by pointing out a little bit of chub, a little cellulite, a pimple…
He used to tell me what great legs I had, what a lovely thin waist, compliment me on my full breasts and my round ass. He used to marvel at my hair and my eyes, at my intelligence and creativity. Heck, even I was happy with all of this. But I now it’s like the only I way I can know I’m beautiful is from the effect I have on others. I never have felt so happy notice a boy giving me the eye, a wink from a stranger, a cutie asking for my number, a girl flirting with me at the bar… That’s the only way I can tell I am beautiful because if someone so close to me is so critical of me I MUST be ugly right? He knows me so well.

He used to be wonderful. Sex used to be sensual and wonderful. We used to love each other. But he’s grown depressed and petty and impatient and selfish. He pesters me for anal sex, knowing full well that I don’t want it. Pesters me for doggy style when he knows it’s a position that reminds me of a past trauma.
He treats me like a little child, who doesn’t know what she wants and is always wrong. As if my opinions of the world were incorrect. They’re just my opinions. We used to share them. He’s gone so stale and I don’t know what to do.

I love you.

I have a urinary tract infection that keeps coming back. So far, since November 2010 I’ve taken two kinds of antibiotics. Taking the pills causes horrible nausea and I need to take them for two weeks. Once, before receiving the prescription, I wet myself on public transport. Fortunately, the urine was little and my trousers were dark and nobody noticed. Only one guy asked me if I was okay because I flinched and cursed a little. It was so fucking painful.
Now fortunately I’m feeling much better, but if I don’t hydrate properly, or if sometimes I skip drinking water and drink wine, it still burns like a mother. I called my mother and cried on the phone.
Everything is so humiliating and it won’t go away. I hate depending on toilets, carrying water bottles everywhere, worrying that if I spontaneously stay the night somewhere that if I don’t have a change of underwear maybe the bacteria will get worse.
I just want to be fucking healthy again. Sometimes, I’ll be waiting for the bus and suddenly I will need the bathroom so badly I think I might wet myself. Thank god when I was a kid I went to a Catholic nursery and boy did they teach you to keep it in back then.
The last six months have been so fucking stressful, with college, and moving away from home and boyfriends and all this stupid peeing business. I am so fucking mad and tired. I just want to cry, but I know that I need to go. Go get my tea, go buy pineapples, blueberries, lots of cranberry juice… ugh.

Tonight, me and my friend went to a hookah lounge. Before we went to a hookah lounge though, I let my friend drink a little. She was so tipsy that she couldn’t even talk straight. By the time I dropped myself off to my place, I asked her to come out of her car just to make sure she was okay to drive home(since I was the designated driver anyway). She said yes, and so I asked her to walk a straight line for me. She did just that, so I thought she was sober enough to drive back home. Before she drove back though, I asked her to call me by the time she gets home. It’s been an hour now since she hasn’t called, and I’m starting to worry about her. I tried calling her phone many of times, but no answer, so I thought she got into an accident or something. Needless to say, her house is only 15 minutes away from my block, so it worried me why it would take that long to call me back. Worried, I called the taxi to pick me up so I can go over her place or just drive around the streets to see if there was a car accident of any sort. But something happened– finally, she called me. I couldn’t be anymore relieved and just so thankful that she’s okay. If anything were to happen to her, I don’t know how I could ever forgive myself, I’d probably just kill myself for all that guilt.

Anyway, moral of the story, I love my best friend and would never let her drink like that again.

just woke up and remembered that I lost my wallet yesterday when I was in that horrible club.