Confessions

My best friend and I used to do drugs together. Now I’m clean and she continues to relapse and is in and out of jail and in bad relationships with guys. I love my best friend more than anything, but I don’t wana end up like her. I don’t wana be around her at all anymore because I fear relapse. But I feel guilty because her life is so much worse than mine. And it was my idea to do the drugs in the first place. So I continue to associate with her, even though I don’t really want to anymore. I just wish things were back to the way they were before the drugs.

i just want to be loved…by someone. you know what, i don’t even need to be loved, i’d settle for like…hell even kinda like. i just want to feel like someone gives a shit about me.

I hate that people only pay attention to someone or agree with them because they’re hot.

had a dream that china was takin over… scariest shit! thing is im really digging this chinese chick in san diego

A lot of people in this world can see my insecurities and imperfections better than I can.

But they don’t realize I can see theirs too. The differences I don’t use theirs against them to make myself feel better. At least I can feel good about not being an immature asshole.

I feel like my whole life is revolved around my weight. My happiness and my motivation to live depends on the numbers shown on the scale.

I HATE YOU.

I feel stupid when i talk to my dad. He makes everything about god and uses the bible to rationalize all his opinions. Its frustrating because when I disagree with him, (the use of hallucinogenic drugs for example) I’m made to feel as if I disagree with the word of god. This is hurtful because I am a believer in god and jesus christ. even as a christian, I am sympathetic to atheists view on theists because of behavior just like this. I wish i could be as stubborn and unaware as him but I cannot. I cannot block out points of view that differ from my own only because I do not understand. I really don’t want my thinking to be reduced into chapter-verse format. I seek approval from god, not my father. He is a man and he is subject to the same pitfalls and misunderstanding as any. but I also cannot ignore the possibility that I am just like him… what faults of my own do I not see?

I feel so stupid. I feel like I can’t do anything here in my job. People side-eye me and look down on me. I graduated cum laude dammit! How the hell did I get so stupid??!!

I tell tragic lies basically every semester to get out of difficult assignments for school.

Once I didn’t go to class for a month. I told my professor my uncle committed suicide.

I knew one of my professors was a huge animal lover. When I had to write an essay, I didn’t come to class until a week after it was due, and told her my dog of 5 years had been hit by a car, and I was too depressed to focus.

I told another one of my professors that I had missed their class for two weeks because my anti-depressant dosage was being upped and gave me really bad side-effects.

Some other lies: my parents were getting divorced after being married 20 years, my cousin attempted suicide, my sister/friend went into labor, I was relapsing into bulimia.

I don’t even feel bad about it.

I dont know what I am or what Im doing anymore.

I swear he left me emotionally after i told him.

i dont know.

He is just not bothered anymore about me.

I feel so bad and I cant take it.

I always love you.

Always I love you.

i’m scared i’m pregnant.
again.
third month in a row.
my boyfriend really struggles to maintain an erection if puts a condom on straight away, so we have unprotected sex a lot. when he wants to come, he puts one on.
he’s only 21, and i’m not entirely convinced he knows his body as well as he thinks he does. sometimes he brings himself far to close to the edge for my comfort.

i know that sounds stupid.. but it’s hard to say no.
so so scared.

I have slowly fallen madly in love with you and you with me, your true love is overseas while I sleep next to you every night trying to do whats right and just sleep. It seems the world around is falling to pieces and the urge to act grows stronger and stronger. We had our fling and the guilt after was almost unbearable. I’ve had a love turn unfaithful and the hole it created still remains; it aches every time we kiss and with every thought of taking you to be my own. The aching may be the only thing that keeps us from doing the unforgivable again and for that I am thankful; no one should feel such pain.

As life continues to throw harder and harder curves our way, you are always there to support me. When the pouring rains seems to have no end you flash that beautiful smile and the clouds part and the sun shines down, if but for only a moment. But what a wonderful moment indeed.

We share with one another all our thoughts and feelings, its no secret that there is a strong attraction between us. But when I dwell on the feelings you show me I always wonder what bliss he must be in to know that you are his. I am ashamed to show the jealousy I feel for your true love for I fear it may ruin what we already have. To lose you would crush me beyond recognition, I know that we must remain only friends but I am content with that if it means I can remain this close to you.

I wonder everyday what I would do if I were to lose you, and I must say just the thoughts give me the urge to find the nearest bottle and climb in as far as I can. I know you feel some of what I do, we’ve tried finding me my own true love and it almost tore us apart.

I am at a loss at what to do, the feelings between us grow more intense with every passing breath and its beginning to make things hard. I try my best to hide this from you because I don’t want you to think your at fault. I’m strong and the aching is nothing if I can hear you laugh and see you smile. We’ll figure things out, of that I am sure. I just want you to feel my love and know that I wish only for your happiness no matter the cost, however, if I could be witness to your happiness I would be forever grateful.

–C

Every day it gets better. You are not right for me or my life but i loved you none the less

I love my boyfriend and he loves me. Our sex life, however, is terrible.

For a very long time I believed I was anorgasmic. Much to my great joy and relief I recently discovered that I CAN orgasm, though it takes a considerable amount of time and effort to do so. I have come to learn that my vagina is a fickle, fickle thing. I know that most women climax through clitoral stimulation, but this has never worked out for me. It has taken me many years to realize that my clitoris is ultra-sensitive. It’s not as awesome as it sounds. When my clit gets direct stimulation it doesn’t feel good. It feels AWFUL. It’s an annoying, irritating sensation similar to the feeling you lost circulation in a limb and you start to get your circulation back. The only way I can tolerate clitoral contact is if the stimulation is INCREDIBLY gentle. Feather-light. Slow, soft circles. Mostly, though, I enjoy vaginal stimulation. Shallow vaginal stimulation. Just a couple inches in is all I need. More than that and it starts to hurt. I have only ever climaxed through masturbation and it takes me upwards to an hour to get off. It usually takes a good twenty or thirty minutes of warm-up before it even starts to feel good.

From the start of our relationship this has caused problems. My boyfriend went down on me exactly three times, and only for a couple of seconds each time. It didn’t feel BAD, but there was none of that yummy sexual pleasure. Like I said, it takes me a LONG TIME to get to that point. He gave up, seeing that I wasn’t immediately responding. So that’s… that. From there he moved to fingering me. After a minute or two of awkward fingering (two minutes being a rare display of dedication) my boyfriend gives up and it’s time for me to blow him. I’m 90% sure he quits because he feels inadequate, and I wish I could convince him that he isn’t. I don’t complain about blowing him. It’s a HUGE turn on for me and I really love to be objectified. It’s just that he’s DONE once he cums. That’s it. Time to watch TV or play video games or something else non-sexual.

My difficulties having an orgasm ultimately mean that all of our sexual interaction ends with him being satisfied and me being sexually frustrated. At first I was too shy to bring it up with him, but now I’m feeling a little more confident about discussing this with him. But there’s a catch…

A year or two ago I finally went on birth control. Since I respond well to vaginal stimulation we were both optimistic about the possibility of us both getting off. Well, we tried to have sex. It was quickly discovered that he was too overweight to actually penetrate me. I was completely understanding and accepting, but he wasn’t. He has since fallen into a pretty deep, dark spiral of shame and self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy. It has crippled our sexual relationship. It has all but put a stop to our sex life. I still give him head every once in a blue moon, but at this point I get nothing.

I really want to TRY to talk with him about what I need in our sexual relationship, but I’m terrified of hurting him. I know him well enough to know that if I tell him how much I need reciprocity it will only serve to make him feel even more inadequate, further removing the likelihood of getting any action.

I love him dearly, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I just don’t know what to do about our sex life. I feel unattractive and unwanted.

I like him. He makes me forget about you.

Stop pressuring me to be as insensitive as the world is today
don’t text me, pick up the phone and call me
Don’t you care that I want to hear your voice.

I say it’s planning, people say i’m impulsive.
What are you? people with no sense to live your life but have enough guts to tell me to slow down.
How about, you lighten up and realize that all I’m working towards is to give something back to the world. Even if it’s as small as passing a note with a heart on it or going for a long walk to buy a card just because we are friends.
I’m tired of feeling like, I’m not being nice, being nice is all I want to do or people will hate you.