Confessions

I never loved you. I never even questioned loving you.
It just breaks my heart that you loved me so much and I had nothing at all to give you.
I am sorry.
And I am sorry that this truth doesn’t hurt me as much as it hurts you.
I just…can’t.

My best friend has leukemia, I found out today. It’s up to God weather or not she dies.
I’m still so shocked I don’t know how to react, she is my sister, she was going to be my best man when ever I got married. I mean she isn’t dead yet but what will I do if she does die?

This is the last time that I post here. I know that no one will care, but goodbye grouphug, it’s been fun~! 😀

Love,

“Nathaniel”

The person at the grocery gets to hear your voice. I dont. I dont want to be envious. But miss you and love you and wish i could scan your lettuce. That sounds so wrong. Haha.

I want to flirt with my cousins next time I see them. I want my cousins and me to flirt very deeply and intense. I really really hope we all act sexy and compliment each other a lot. They are so beautiful

Why would I even bother having dreams and thinking I could still make a difference. How can I even think I know what it takes to have a good family? I ruined mine. Now I remember why I seldom reach out to others. I just hurt them in the long-run. I got more answers tonight than I bargained for.

i hate all of you at my rehab.

I LOVE YOU. Thank you.

Shelby if you only knew how much i wanted to make love to you, you would dump him and let me have a chance

I ate a weed cookie, and I almost died. My legs were twitching with uncontrollable friction and I thought my room was going to collapse onto me. I tried to stand up, threw up all over the carpet, and by the time my mother heard me banging on the wall for help I was paralyzed on the ground.

It was not fun. I was not “high”. It was the most terrifying experience of my entire life. Never fucking eat edibles, unless you REALLY know what the fuck you are doing.

…Fuck weed.

He is confusing, problematic, sometimes seems untrustworthy…

still he is fantastic and I love him and am attracted to him like I’ve never been attracted to anyone.

I think about her every single day.

I can’t stand how everyone just walks by not noticing a thing. Go outside, take a look at the sun, or enjoy the presence of the rain falling down on your face, and hopefully it would give you a sense of sanity, possibly enough to knock some sense into you so that you’d notice that I’m dying internally. For this long I’ve had it over the top with the amount of inhumane and insincere comments people make. A few days ago, I learned for about the billionth time that I’m too loud, too dramatic, too LOST. Well out of those three you got the last one right. At school I don’t even know why I’m different. Really I’m a mellow person, yet you have to barge all over the place and just ASSUME that I’m just another annoying brat. People at school are just so rude and immature over things. Why just guess who I am without even talking to me nicely, only when you need help? Then leave once I gave you the answers without a simple thank you? THANKS A LOT. At home it’s different. My parent’s have nothing to even say to me BUT complaints about how I always complain about EVERYTHING. Have they even noticed that I haven’t said a word at home for the past 6 weeks? Nope, don’t think so. Don’t say goodnight, don’t say i love you, no hugs, for the past 3 months. Not one embrace of love. From my parents! My friends? Almost ALL, except one, fake it. Real friends are those you can tell anything to. ANYTHING. and they’ll understand. So far, 1 for 1. The rest? All out to use me. One friend transferred. I was her only friend. ONLY. Once people saw that I was her friend, she ditched me and told EVERYONE my secrets. Manipulation. Lies. Rude. Other friend. Always the one to get mad at me. Yet I’ve gone along with it for too long. Every time we “fought” I’ve tried and tried to apologize to you, when you were the one who just took me for granted, expecting me to be there, even when it wasn’t my fault. Well I’ve grown to realize that even though people are more rich, or more pretty (externally), you can’t take advantage of me and think that I’ll always act dumbfounded. You have to realize that you can’t always take me as a stress ball and just not expect me to get mad at YOU as well. I always wait for you when you’re at your locker, get your books from downstairs when its raining, but when I come up, your gone. Leaving me. With your books. In the RAIN. I’m not taking it anymore. On top of all this, an old “boyfriend” (we weren’t even going out) decides to use me as a backup once he got over my best friend. He used me to vent and all that when LYING to me that he liked me, when i really liked him. BIG MISTAKE. When he confessed I was sobbing. Used again. First my friends, now my crush? Yet I was stupid enough to say that I like him and get into something deeper that I knew I shouldn’t have. Mistake number 2. or shall I say 100000? Anyway, we went through all that, and I put through all of his whining and complaining about how “bad” his life is, how much he wants to “die” when his life was perfectly fine. He just needed to change his personality. He tried to piss off people as much as possible when they say they don’t like him because he was racist to them or called them too fat, he told my friend she would never get a bf cuz she was too fat. WTF? SHUT THE HELL UP DUDE!!! She went on this huge diet trying to lose weight, almost being anorexic. He just made fun of me when my friend was dying from cancer stage 3b (uncurable). The only time he comforted me was when he needed to vent because his cat wouldn’t stay in his room. Dude, helpful piece of advice: get. a. life. Everyone at school told us to get over it and that we were being too dramatic, but just imagine, someone SO close to you, closer than the clothes on your skin (hopefully you have some on, if not, please put some on it’s not caveman month) dying, helpless, hairless, hopeless, and yet someone you thought you loved just laughs and teases. That’s just one of many bigger mistakes and insults he threw at me and my “friends”. The same person took the hand of my present crush (yes, again) and pushed his hands over my breasts. Dude, don’t pop my bubble or I’ll blow your head off. Over him as well. All together, my life is falling apart. Hopefully someone will notice or I don’t think I have anywhere else to turn.

I want to get beaten, sexually tormented, and verbally abused. Somehow I think it will make me feel better by feeling worse. That doesn’t make any sense.

I can’t wait to fuck you while stoned. I got home from your place about three hours ago and it’s all I can think about. However, I should probably wait to jump you until we’ve been together for longer than less than a week.

Getting upset with me for talking to a couple of guy friends just shows how insecure you are. Where’s the trust?

Today, after drinking with my friends, I went to the bus stop and started talking to a guy. Turned out, he lived in my neighborhood and was willing to walk with me, because I didn’t want to go home. He listened to my drunken babbling and even though I felt like an idiot, he said he doesn’t think I actually am. He was the nicest and most interesting person I have met in a long time and guess I just wanted to say thanks.

I wish you were here.

Today, after drinking with my friends, I went to the bus stop and started talking to a guy. Turned out, he lived in my neighborhood and was willing to walk with me, because I didn’t want to go home. He listened to my drunken babbling and even though I felt like an idiot, he said he doesn’t think I actually am. He was the nicest and most interesting person I have met in a long time and guess I just wanted to say thanks.

You led me to the night sky. You are a dreamer like me…one of my kind. I love you.