Confessions

I’m suppressing it outwardly, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about someone before. This doesn’t feel fake, you don’t feel fake. Anytime in the past where the person or the situation hasn’t felt fake, well, it’s meant big things. Suddenly life has a whole new perspective. It’s not unlike I’m crawling out from a cave and seeing the daylight; spiritually, mentally, physically. And you seem to agree with me. And I would have already said I Love You, and it probably wouldn’t sound completely crazy to you, you might agree. But it’s still early.

You’re so f*cking amazing. Seriously if I wasn’t so very honestly being myself I wouldn’t be able to keep this up for a second. I don’t expect this to get big. I’m expecting you to leave any moment, expecting what I would consider the worst. But, I don’t think the worst will happen. I’m just prepared to let go, if need be. And the sun hasn’t set even 14 times.

I would write more, but I keep losing my train of thought from your text messages 😉

I’m only a good kid because I don’t get caught.

The only thing I enjoy about my job is the dessert scented soap.

to see two beautiful sets of my own eyes looking back at me, to wrap my arms around their shoulders, to listen to their laughter is the greatest gift i could ever receive. how could you give this up and trade it all for little yellow pills?

I don’t know why I think of him differently, I don’t like him but I don’t think he’s like them. I trust one of them and I trust him. I know between them I can get anything I want, and he’s always joking around. Weird.

My ex lies about how she’s feeling a lot of the time. That’s not why she’s my ex, but maybe it should be.

Omega please talk to me, nothing on here hurtful is me, you know that. This is too confusing of a place.

Please just leave me alone. I won’t bug you again. I will figure it out on my own. None of this is worth having to pick myself back up every time you knock me down. You win.

contemplating whether or not i should cut up my arm like a fucking christmas ham right now..

I don’t think I should..I don’t need any more “infamous” attention..

oh well, fuck it.

You wanted/want to have sex with me.
But turns out you went to her.
I’m not an option.
I never will be.
I want to loose it to someone I love, not you…my ex.
But it hurts to know my first love lost it to some girl he just met.
I guess that’s good the girl wasn’t me
I’m glad I said no.
I’m not an option.

I’ll never be good enough. I am this worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve even to breathe the same air as you do. Yes, I’m full of self-pity. Disgustingly so. And even more horrible is the equally gigantic pride and ambition I’ve got. I repulse myself. I lie systematically to myself and others become the true me is too revolting. I’d suicide but I’m also a coward. I’m bored of therapy and pills…

I’ve noticed both me and my mom have a very sadistic sense of humor…especially when it comes to men.

I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you. You know that.

don’t fuck with me, cunt.

I didn’t take my meds this morning.

I think I might have masturbated when I was a kid, but I repressed it. I remember I would often have fantasies that were really messed up and weird, and I remember feeling good when it happened, but I don’t actually remember touching myself.

I know if I could bring myself to let my parents know that I am not okay mentally/emotionally, or at least if I could tell them when I’ve had a really bad day, then days like this wouldn’t happen any more, they’d give me just a little bit of a break if I already had a hard day. I just don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want them to think they aren’t good parents. I want them to think that everything is okay.

I’m so tired of your laziness. I wish you’d get off your ass,and help me out. Clean the house a little. Just because you’re a man,doesn’t mean housework is beneath you. Especially since you’re home all day! I work my ass off to keep up. And for what? I work late because I don’t want to come home to do more work. At least I get paid at work. I can’t do everything for us all the time! I’m not gonna bitch & nag,because that never works. So i’ll just be unhappy,forever. Lazy bastard.

I’m so tired of your laziness. I wish you’d get off your ass,and help me out. Clean the house a little. Just because you’re a man,doesn’t mean housework is beneath you. Especially since you’re home all day! I work my ass off to keep up. And for what? I work late because I don’t want to come home to do more work. At least I get paid at work. I can’t do everything for us all the time! I’m not gonna bitch & nag,because that never works. So i’ll just be unhappy,forever. Lazy bastard.

My life is not that bad. In fact, I love it.

It’s nothing close to what I thought it would be. My dreams didn’t really come true. The world didn’t offer me much reward after I worked my ass of to get to where I am. But I get by and my health is improving, and its sunny out… and I am learning from someone close to me that the fact that I don’t complain about my day to day makes me a much more attractive person than she. It’s kind of mean, but when I look at myself that way I feel a lot better.

🙂 <3

Thrown under the bus = me.