Confessions

Pretending this is grouphug, and not notepad. Pretending this is being read as soon as i’m done, not later. Stopping myself from drinking and driving to just another boys house. Stopping myself from drinking anymore, period. I don’t see you anymore. You ran away, when i’m not delutional, i’m not that bad. I have self esteem isssues. Who doesn’t? When i drink…i see you, i hear you, i think you. You’re everywhere I’m not, and i’m reminded of that constantly day after day. Stopping myself from texting you. From iming you. From driving to your house, wondering what the fuck i must have done to make you blantalty stop all contact with me once i left your bed, after we didn’t even fuck. Just kissed. Barely. Just slept, as you clung onto me. I’m trying to sleep through the alcohol..trying to shake it off. But none of it makes since. Maybe there is no answer…..

I’m trying. Day after day I’m trying. Pretending..trying not to think. Sleeping. I do that more than anything. I find you still like me in my dreams.

I know you don’t feel well, but sometimes it’d be nice if you just pretended to care. You aren’t dating the television.

I wish you could love me. I know it’s weird, but I think we’d be good together. Please?

You wrote on here, not too long ago, that you didn’t owe me or anyone else any of your time…you even expressed disbelief at the idea that you might have to txt or call your friends once in a while “to see if they are still alive.”

Yes, you do. That’s called being a friend. I don’t need any more casual acquaintances, and I’m not going to strive to win the lukewarm affections of a person who has already completely bailed on me once when they decided they felt like it. I’ve tried to reach out to you…I’ve apologized for whatever parts I played in our separation, I’ve tearfully asked to be friends with you again…and you can’t even talk to me over the phone to deny me, just another txt message. Is your cell glued to your face, or something? Have you lost the ability to interact with anyone face-to-face on a level that exists one nanometer outside of your comfort zone?

Yeah. You know, I hate it that our 8-year friendship died over a 6-month relationship, but you’re the one that let it happen. Everyone we know agrees with me. I’ve done my part, and if this is how things are truly going to end between us, so be it. I can guarantee, with absolutely certainty, that nobody was ever on your side, or cared for you, as much as I was / did. Not anymore…if you want that back, you’re going to have to earn it.

Id do anything to feel those lips. What are you waiting for?

I wish I knew how to kiss. Properly, I mean. But I spent all my middle school years reading Tolkien instead.

Seriously, my problems are so stupid. hahahahahha

NO MORE! I love you but I am not going to put myself through this again and again. Tell me just how long has it been now?

I’m tired of feeling like such a fat ass. I’m tired of walking into a room and feeling so self conscious I get headaches. I want a boyfriend. I want someone to love me, but that’s not going to happen while I’m so gross. I’m tired of wearing jackets to cover up my disgusting fat. I hate myself. So instead of killing myself by eating, why not do it by starving myself. At least I’ll feel good while I’m dieing….

Some people are just not meant to be friends. I am glad you are leaving. I did not want to admit how much like him you really are. I handed you the power to make me feel better about myself, and you did until I stepped out of line. You would lift me up and help me back on my feet only to brutally knock my feet back out from under me with your hateful, hurtful words. I am not some dog you can expect obedience from. It’s ludicrous to think you can tell me who not to speak to. I am a living breathing (and beautiful) person with a mind and abilities all my own. He nearly destroyed that and now you add your assessment of my worthlessness to his. Little do you know that I do still have other men (and women) in my life that respect me and believe in me? I don’t cling to you because I need you. I reached out time and again because I saw value in you, but it’s not worth losing me over. I don’t deserve that. I am not angry with you. You are who you are. I am angry with myself for my unwillingness to accept the truth. The changes in me are only the beginning. There is too much beauty in this world to wallow in someone else’s valuation of me. I know who I am and I know when I have had enough. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. I have had it planned. It has nothing to do with you, nor will I change it because of you. I have come a long way and I think I am beginning to find happiness. I really do wish you only the best.

Im not giving up.

I do remember what I wrote you. I really don’t even know you. I can surmise things about you but I have no idea. What I know is that you never showed that you cared about me in any real way and you never respected me as a person. I attributed that to your age but really that’s sort of unfair.

You can play a part for only so long and then you start to wonder if you are actually the part you play. I’m sorry mostly for the harsh words and I hope they never really cut you. You are not that part you played and neither am I.

So I went out to skateboard today, and I got nostalgia-tripped so hard.
I just want to recollect some things about my life in text.

When I was little, I grew up playing games like most kids, watching cartoons, and whatever else could keep my attention, but I remember always watching skate videos from the ’90s since my older brother and cousin were heavily into skateboarding. I got my first skateboard while I was in second grade, and save for all the detail, it stuck with me. I loved the hobby.

Along came middle school and I found myself right in the middle of the skateboarding scene in this town. Everything was so surreal, and looking back at it, it was almost silly. Everyone had their crew, and each crew was identifiable with a name and a tag. To save the names, me and my crew had everything in the world we could ever want in the world; a skateboard and a curfew past dark.
I remember all the days getting in trouble with police, going out all day and not eating once or every checking in with home because we were all caught up in landing one trick. We always brought a camera, and if someone was able to get something done that no one had ever done, it was a huge deal. There was an 8-set of stairs in this school. I remember one day I was trying so hard to backside heelfip down it. There’s something strange about skateboarding, and it presents a scenario where you could be perfectly okay that you would be going home covered in bruises and dripped with blood, granted at some point during the day, you got your footage.
Anyways, on that day, I remember arriving at the stair set at around 3pm and just beating myself up throwing my body down the stairs trying to land this trick. It become an internal struggle of willpower to go on, and we always would go on. About two hours later, I remember rolling up to the stair set, furious with myself, riding fast, setting up my feet, and I popped the board up, got the board around, finished the backside 180, and landed bolts at the bottom of the stairs and rode away cleanly. The memories that surround my childhood aren’t the tricks, but the celebration afterwords. I remember my friends surrounding me for a round of high-fives and then we began to review the footage. It was all such a thrill.
But unfortunately, all of us grew up. A bunch of my friends got caught up in the wrong crowds, started doing drugs, et cetera. I even think a few friends had their life put on hold by having children. It was all over and everyone went and picked up new hobbies to suit their new age. But something in me wouldn’t let go of skateboarding.
I hadn’t rode for a few years, but I went out today and went to this little two-block stair set just for some fun, and my childhood was vividly brought back to me,
and had I not been alone today, I would have been the happiest I had been in a long time.

The underside of my toenails smells like cheetos

you texted me while she was here for spring break. you missed me, and ran to me as soon as you put her back on her way to california….im sorry i broke up with you and let you no options but the calitroll…i feel sorry for her. you and me are working our stuff out and she will be discarded again. too bad she lurked around like a vulture waiting for the moment you were low. i hate her for trying to keep you down. i hate her for touching you. i am sorry for breaking up with you, but fuckin A, she is pathetic and i can not wait to watch her hurt. she was stupid enough to think you would actually love her and be faithful to her!!! HA!!!! i hope she liked the smell of my pussy on your sheets….and if she only knew how we made fun of her today..LOL!! ill be free soon enough and she will be history!

you broke my heart about three times, yeah no more for me. The sad thing was, I loved you after you told me you didn’t love me. Pathetic but it’s in the past now and so are you.

It’s been almost 7 years since we spent those 7 days together. I can’t forget you. I love my girlfriend but you changed my life forever.

It’s been a while since I txted you, I am trying to lay off, we are friends only and i don’t see the need to talk to you because I once loved you. I am very much getting over you and almost entirely so. Have a nice life and I hope you find true love, but no one will love you like I could have. Sorry I wasn’t perfect enough for you.

i love you. im sorry i hurt you. please dont go 🙁

If I wasn’t messing around with the h I would with t. I should just have with t it wouldn’t be as bad if people found out then but I was around him less and wasn’t sure. More people would be suspicious of us anyway.

Yes, she does bitch an excessive amount. But so do you, she, she, her, her, and everyone else in the whole fuckin world that doesn’t have enough balls to handle the fact that they aren’t the center of the universe. Shut the fuck up.