Confessions

I remember realizing that that “diggily diggily” sound you hear in pornos wasn’t just a sound effect when I had a one-night stand with this hot girl I’d met in a coffee shop. Ironically, she later told me I was “too masochistic” for her.

Baby, why you gotta make me hurt you like that…

My first kiss, technically, was with a woman who was 30-something, at a Christmas party in someone’s workplace other than mine. I was 16 at the time. I later found out she had wanted to have sex, but I can’t imagine what would have happened if we did and someone had walked in on us. To this day, I’m not sure if she even remembers that the whole thing happened.

I think I might be straight. This sucks. I cannot come out again. My mother would be so smug. She always said I was just pretending to be gay to annoy her.

I work at a Uni. Students nowadays are arrogant, self-important, inconsiderate pricks. Just had to get rid of a bunch of them screaming and yelling in our foyer with no consideration for our receptionist or the people working in the offices nearby. Without asking permission they set up their student ballot boxes for the elections, and the yelling began. 5 minutes after being told once, they are yelling again. When thrown outside by an angry Professor and myself, they act as if they’ve just been beaten about the face with a mallet. Twats. The foyer is now covered in all their litter and flyers because of course, the fuckwits never clean up after themselves.

That time might have been an accident but the time we were sitting so close on the bench was not an accident, you were intentionally caressing my arm.. I miss you and what we had whatever it was

I could have said “it wasnt me” so many times but I never did. I always believed you knew me.

Where are all the men of courage? Sure, maybe you would take a bullet for her, but you can’t ask her out on a date? Or to be your girlfriend? Or to admit when you are wrong? Or to be confident enough in yourself to be understanding (firm, yet kind) with a woman’s naturally fluctuating emotions. Just let her live in limbo and confusion wondering day after day if she beautiful, if she is desired, if she is good enough. Wait until she is so overwhelmed with confusion, guilt and sorrow and then maybe tell her she has a problem? All because you don’t have the courage to follow your heart? You wonder why women end up the the *ssh*les? They look for strength, sometimes even if it’s abusive. Most women avoid a spineless man. Everyone needs connections with others and most will settle for bad over nothing. With all the resources out there, why would you settle for ignorance (and spinelessness)? Just a rant from a great lady who is so tired of being alone with chicken butt men all around her.

Ahhh! Eye twitches.

I’m feeling a lot of anxiety right now. I can hardly breath and infuriating. Am I throwing my life away, is there anything left I don’t know, I don’t see tomorrow. What am I supposed to do. Shit my heart is racing, God I need help.

I fell for you 🙁 but instead you fell for another chick. But that’s cool, I like lesbians. 😀

And I’m falling for you. Hard. And your 14 years older than me. An your married. Plus you have a little girl on the way. I’ve never felt like this about someone. Why must the perfect guy for me already have the perfect family? It’s killing me. My heart vs my brain. The universal dilemma. You flirt with me too. Is that just insecurities, kindness – or do you somewhere inside you feel the connection we have? I need to know because this unrequited love is killing me. I think about you always. Go out of my way to constantly see you. And when I’m not with you I’m constantly thinking of witty conversations I can have with you to get your attention. And then I always forget them. You told ne today that my smile kills you. You told me today that you havnt met someone who you can talk to like me. God if you only knew how hard and fast I’m falling for you. Why is it always the ones you want you can t have? And the ones you have you don’t want. Always seems to be te case for me. I told you about my sister. I never told anyone about that so quickly. Im on a work contract. My work with you finishes in a month and after that I’ll never see you again. Clocks ticking ….

I will never understand why you chose him over me…after I bore you my soul and took the biggest risk of my life in doing so. You picked someone you’d never ever met.
I will never understand why you refuse to love me…even though I’ve loved you more deeply and unconditionally than the everyone else that you’ve chosen over me.
I will never understand why I am not good enough for you.
Why won’t you just…love me? Just love me.
I want to hate you so badly. I want to say fuck you, and go on with my life as though nothing has happened. But I can’t. I can’t because, my heart dies a litle more everytime I think about you. I can feel part of it fall off and die and that hurts more than you could imagine. And I fell this pain more than any person should.
Is it that I’m not pretty enough? Because I will gladly cake on as much make up as needed for you to love me. Is it that I’m too fat? I’ll starve myself…for you. Do you not like my hair cut? I’ll grow it out. I will do anything for you to love me even just for one day.
I could show you that there’s someone who will love you and not leave after just a few months. I’ll love you with my actions and with my words.
I want to show you that love doesn’t always have to hurt.
…or maybe it does and you are showing me that…

i wish i were pregnant……

Ok so Eli and I decided to go to Chile to volunteer abroad. It was going to be great, we were going to be roommates in the homestays. blah blah. Eli is usually a party girl but when she’s with me she calms down and she’s just generally nice to be with. Unfortunately, she’s friends with Louis. Louis is a former cheerleader, loud as fuck and graduated already and has nothing to do with the volunteer abroad. She decides to tag along with Eli. Eli changes and becomes that party girl that kinda annoys me when she’s around Louis. Then out of nowhere Patty decides to go along too. She had already made plans to go somewhere else but decides to come too. She is nice, but loud, when she’s with me but she becomes wild when she’s with Eli and Louis. So I thought, ok I can do this. My plan was to just let Eli go with Louis as roommates and I’ll just roommate with Patty. Than on the last day to sign up Maddie signs up. Maddie is this stubborn, moody bitch. Maddie and I dont really get along. So then Patty and I decide that we really need to stick together so Maddie doesn’t become our roommate.
SO the plan was settled.
Then Maddie (who happens to be lazy as fuck) takes the only 4 tickets for the flight that would leave at reasonable time and arrive at a reasonable time with short layover and everything. I get stuck with the multiple long layover flight combination. I say oh well, this way I can walk around so I won’t be sitting for too long and I can get to see various airports.
Then the plans for the return trip begin. Patty, Louis and Maddie decide they want to stay a few days behind and enjoy the area. I don’t blame them since it’s not everyday that you are in Chile. HOWEVER, all they want to do is get wasted on the beach and go clubbing and get laid. I don’t mind getting wasted, going to the beach, going clubbing and definitely getting laid but I don’t really want to in a foreign area where I don’t really trust the people I’m going with. I have no idea if their plans are including me or not but I really don’t feel welcomed to stay. I feel like they are making arrangements so they four can stay behind and party all they want while I make the expensive trip back home. I do admit I was planning on making staying a day in Miami or something on the way back but it makes me sad that I would have to enjoy Miami alone than with at least a friend. Oh well, at least I get to volunteer. I just wish they wouldn’t treat this trip as a spring break Cancun vacation. We are there to work our asses but I guess we aren’t all on the same page.

Im yours. Lets not waste anymore time. Come take my breath away, its way too easy for you to do.

Why are you such a pleasant thought if you hurt me so bad? You have nothing to offer. I love you so, I hope your mine one day<3

you break my heart, you are toxic to me. I love you so much, but I need to stop this hurt, I’m not that strong.

You win.

I’m sorry I’m not what you want, but you’re all I want…

Nearly every day, I wish I was dead. How is that selfish? I simply can’t protect myself from what you think, what your family thinks, what our peers think. Most of all, I can’t protect myself FROM myself. You know now that most, if not all, of my bitching was a mood swing. I cannot help it if I have a chemical imbalance. Do you even know how hard it is to live with a mental illness and have it destroy your life, and your relationships? You’re fucking staring right at it. I go no where, I do nothing. I have isolated myself. You, and the people who are nice enough to let us stay here, are the only people I am around. And yet, you look down on me for checking my facebook account, for trying to reconnect with people I used to know to try to salvage some sort of friendship. How can I even have the care to want to give attention to anyone but you, you ask me? I have been honest with you, but you do not believe me. You think i’m ‘slutting around’, when, because of you, i wear my pjs all god damn day and wear makeup and straighten my hair maybe twice a week. How the fuck do think I’m ‘slutting around’ when everyone tells you you can do better? No one fucking wants me, no one even wants you to be with me. You haven’t even noticed how much my self-loathing has grown and changed since you’ve been with me. I get uncomfortable during sex because I worry that someday you’ll wake up and share the opinions of others about my appearance. Yes, you’ve told me I am beautiful, but if you’d payed more attention to how I responded you would have been, without a doubt, able to see how low my opinion is of myself. You payed so much attention to what YOU were saying to me, assuming “i told her she is beautiful -> she knows she is -> she is only trying to play dumb, because she knows she is pretty, i have said so -> she doesnt listen to anything i say and does not care” God, how the fuck do you not pay attention to shit like that. All you ever think about is worrying about me doing something behind your back or talking to someone, you don’t even take the time when you’re mad at me to remember that I have gone more than a decade with untreated bipolar, of course tons of negative experiences were caused by this, and that maybe i’m fucking TELLING THE TRUTH when i say i had no motivation for what i did and im sorry. but you’re so god damn wrapped up in your own paranoia, and your own depression, to fucking think straight. Fuck, you wouldnt even let me go get psychiatric help because you saw that as me saying you couldn’t comfort me or that you were of no help. You fucking idiot. After all the times I sat there and punched myself until i was dizzy, all the bruises i put on my legs, all the times i cried for days straight, after crying at least an hour every day for years, not to mention the bulk of my life before you, and you reach the verdict that I know exactly what i’m doing when i do it, and i’m just trying to justify my actions, and most of all i’m an immature, codependant, emotional, selfish, little girl. AND this picture was painted for everyone. Imagine that is you, and imagine that you try your best to make things right and have good intentions but you can’t help being upset or depressed. then imagine you find out you’re bipolar and there is a pill to even you out. then you would feel better. but then everyone still has the same opinion because they do not know of your illness. and then imagine your significant other adopts an attitude reflective of those who are not aware of your mental shortcomings, and treats you as if you’re just a big baby. would that not fucking drive you want to destroy yourself? fuck you’re fucking killing me, you say you love me but you’re killing me. what could i have possibly done to deserve this. i know i fucked up BUT LET THAT SHIT GO, FFS. i will fucking die here, one day you will wake up and i will be cold and pale in the bed next to you. thats the net step in the evolution of the nightmare you’re living.