Confessions

My mom had finally asked me what my problem was. I broke down into tears and told her all about my reaccuring depression. When she asked what it was about, I told her it was mainly caused by things she had said to me. She laughed at me and even to this day treats it as a joke. She said it was all stupid and fake and that I need to grow up and stop blaming everyone else. She said nothing bad has ever happened to me. She asked me (of course not expecting an answer) if I had been molested like my aunt was, whose parents knew but allowed the man to visit their home still. I said no. I was lying. My grandfather, my mother’s father, had molested me. Not only do I still see him at least several times a week, I have to act like nothing is wrong and keep this from my family.
I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I had confessed, if things would be better, if they would have changed. . .

I have a girlfriend. I hate spending time with her.

Hahaha! I thought you were in disguise at times because i always feel that pull… Lmao just now i thought you were walking by my driveway dressed as a punk ass kid. I miss you so much

I hope you talk to me tonight.
I hope you smile, while doing so.

My girlfriend spent an evening a couple of days ago with just her and her best friend (a guy she previously had a crush on, but he was taken at the time so nothing happened back then), they went out stargazing in a field; she came home with a bruised neck and dirty clothes (mud on the trousers, random white stain on the shirt), so the clothes went straight into the wash. Today, I do the washing, and condoms that I don’t recognise fall out. Not sure why she’d be carrying them, as she hasn’t wanted to have sex with me for months – She does sometimes carry flavoured ones just to chew on for the taste (at least, that’s why she asks me to buy them, and I never see them again), but these don’t seem to be the flavoured type. Very odd.

If this was the first time something like this had happened, I’d jump to conclusions and be shocked and upset, but after the 10th time (and all the previous times have had just-about believable explanations, as hard as that may seem)… I don’t even know how to feel :-/

Dearest mystical captchas,
How the fuck do i do that now?

Everywhere I go I see you. I used to do double takes, so sure it was you but it never was. Now I don’t bother, I know its only in my mind. You are always with me.

Why was i crying earlier?
I was angry.

My disgusting, abusive ex was a total pothead and has caused me to fear ever being with someone else who smoked. When you told me that you didn’t, back when we first started talking, I believed you even though I previously thought you had. Turns out I was right. You were just worried that I wouldn’t approve, although I said I didn’t really mind, because you wanted me to like you. At that point I hadn’t yet started to fall for you but I soon did and ended up overlooking my old suspicions. Then, a week into our relationship, you told me you’d lied.
Now I can’t stop thinking about it. It shouldn’t be a deal breaker because you’re amazing in every other way but during certain times of my day I wonder if I even like you still. It’s been weeks. It just reminds me so much of my ex and the fucked up way he treated me and scarred me for life that I’m not sure if I can deal with it. I don’t want this to be a deal breaker. I like you most of the time, I promise.

Please dont assume a confession is a response. It happens.

If i had a script for lortabs id abuse them, slowly but surely because of tolerance. I walk around with back pain, joint pain that feels untolerable most days because i dont want to become unlivered. I know if i took ADD speed meds id finally feel normal but im afraid of that too. I just want to feel normal.

I am glad I haven’t seen you in so long, what you think maybe me here isn’t. I accepted the fact that we were over a while ago and moved on and in love with someone else.

I don’t really want you to go. You really hurt me, that’s all. The pain just festers and grows because you won’t let me talk about it. Emotional hurts that have no way to heal are what kill the spirit. Because the truth was dangerous, I stuffed my thoughts and feelings for years and I lost myself completely because of it. Please don’t make me live that way again. Don’t you see I have no other options? I am stuck here. I don’t want you to go, I want you in my life, but not if every encounter hurts. Misunderstandings are not bad, its the lack of resolution time and time again that hurts so bad. I can’t keep doing this.

I wish people needed me as much as I need them.

J, I wish we would have had a child together. We are and always will be a part of each other. I want part of you I can have with me always.

Some of the best people I know take pills, cheat on their spouses, and various other things that people would consider bad. Maybe I’m a bad judge of character but they’re better than my friends who don’t do anything bad by typical standards. I trust the ‘bad’ people more, and they’re the ones who’ve helped me even though I see them a lot less.

My heart breaks every time he says goodbye.

I’m so tired I don’t know if I’m coming or going but, I sure do love my life!

I feel oddly invested in this discourse we’re having; I don’t know why. Perhaps I shouldn’t analyze it. Being intrigued by this interaction as I am, satiate my pathetic whimsy and let me revel in it.

I have this male friend that used to have a crush on me. At the time I liked someone else- the guy that ended up playing mind games with me, treated me like crap, used me and dumped me. He was always that supportive friend I could rely on. He still sort of is.

Now when we talk, sometimes I think about kissing him… but I’ll never act on it.