Confessions

I’m 17.
My mom is filing a police report on me for something that happened last year.
I gave her a black eye but I didn’t intend it to turn out that way.
I don’t even really remember it honestly.
She never mentions the fact that she backhanded me in the face before I hit her.. Over something so stupid. Because I asked her to use the computer to do research for school. and she accused me of not doing it when I even showed her what I was doing.

She never mentions to anyone how many times she’s physically assaulted me for the dumbest things. Like having my cat in my room with the door closed. I woke up that morning to her ripping my hair out and throwing fists at my face.
I’m always the bad guy and she’s the victim.

But I’m really not.
I’m not the bad guy and I wish people wouldn’t fall under her manipulative spell.
I wish people knew.

I want to sing with you.

I’m about to meet some young guy for company. I need it after you broke my heart. Hopefully that will keep me from thinking about you and coming here.

Today is a hard day. I turn on the song wish you were here by Avril and I’m missing you like crazy. I need to come and visit you soon at the hgih school.There hasent been a day where I havent thought about you.If only, I knew you really did care about me… in some way i dont care. I just miss you terribly. It’s like I really lost you and I hate that feeling,but for some I keep thinking that you are thinking about me and wondering how I am. I hate this distance…

I totally had another dream about you the oher night though.It seemed soo real. I was coming to visit you at the high school and you were there in sweats (weird) but you just passed me and just looked at me and didnt say a thing. No head nod or anything. It made me sad. Then I walked over to your classroom and looked inside.I stood there for a good 5 mins or so. Then starting walking away and I ran into another teacher. I hope you arent ignoring me for real :/
I know i am enabling myself though. I have this video on my phone from some multi-media thing a student did & i can’t get the nerve to delete it from my phone.. I just miss you too much. It’s the last thing i have of you.. to remember your voice..and everything..
…I’m just afriad I’ll never get to see or talk to you ever again and it kills. 🙁
……you know who you are…..

-Nikki

I had only begun to realize how bad my life with you was….now i know it was fucking awful. I am so fucking glad you are gone, things are so much better. Yes i am broke, but damn, it’s a million times better to be broke than put up with a selfish, abusive, drug addict/alcoholic, man-child like yourself.
How does it feel to fuck over all of your family members, all of your friends, anyone who ever gave a damn about you? How does it feel to lie to, cheat and steal from everyone and get caught?
Karma, you cowardly man bitch, Karma.
You will never be any more than you are at this moment….

I don’t care about you anymore. If you ever come into my life again I will kick you out. Because that’s what I should’ve done a lone time ago. And honestly I hope you do come back into my life so I can ignore you.
You’ll see how it feels to be ignored.
Oh and can you count how many times you’ve picked other girls over me??
I can’t.

Douchebag.

I really feel like the shit that gets scraped off the bottom of shoes right now.

I can’t imagine never seeing you again…this is one of my greatest fears

I think I kiss her ass more than her face. This has to stop.

My grandma has just died and I feel nothing

I desperately want to call you right now. I am working hard on controlling myself not to do it. Besides what would you say if I did? Since we last spoke it seems like you have dropped off the planet. I am worried it has affected you as badly as me. Or even worse…you don’t care and are going on with your life without giving it a second thought…

I hate this job. I am pretty sure my resume didn’t list fortune teller or mind reader on it but this moron I work for seems to think I can predict the fucking future.

Sometimes i wish i wasn’t here. Right now is one of those times.

I get so sexually charged during the week or two before my period that I feel like I have to masterbate at least two times a day. When I look back on it after that feeling subsides I feel disgusted, but during the week or two that I feel that way I love it.

Unforgivable is the man who physically hurts his children. I’ll never forgive for what he did to them.

If I knew slathering testosterone on my tits every morning was gonna make me this fucking happy, I would have started years ago!

i hate being black, its like a nightmare some days i can’t believe i was born black.. people say its not a curse but it sure feels like it

One thing I have learnt in life is that not everything is about me, therefore I cannot judge others for being ‘selfish’. Also, if one person does not reply to another person’s emails, who is the disposable and who is doing the disposing of? That’s a hypothetical question, don’t answer it.

I remember his kiss more than his face.

I was so immature… just a few years ago. Well, I’ve finally realized the limitations of who I am and I want to apologize for always trying to have been all things to all people. I’m still imperfect. I feel regret for projecting my insecurities onto some beautiful relationships, making poor decisions about others, and letting some really good things go. I’m sorry. I hope you will forgive me and accept me back into your hearts. I’m so thankful that I ever had you… each and every one of you.