Confessions

I love you sunshine where ever you are.

i wash dishes, and do general kitchen bitch stuff for work at the moment…i dont talk much. There is this dense smiley happy irish girl who always puts more dishes on the pass just when i think ive cleared them all. In my head im telling her to fuck off, cant she see that ive almost finished them all. Plus she piles them all so that the pass fills so quickly, i have no chance to catch up when she works….when other people do it i dont mind too much but its now a personal vendetta between me and her (though she has to idea) god i dislike her.

i love you.

I get seriously wound up to the point of quiet silent rage when people touch my stuff. I live with my boyfriend and my best friend in a tiny flat…its unavoidable but it makes me want to take a sledgehammer to the wall when i see her in my clothes, or when he takes my laptop off me to do his shit…or even if someones finished the last of the milk i bought, that makes me want to tear the flat up.

I have anger management issues

I got raped by some people I met earlier that night. My friend beat the shit out of one of them for it, and got a split lip in the process. I feel guilty for that because it wasn’t a big deal. My friend says I’m letting them walk all over me and get away with something unconscionable. But I honestly can’t bring myself to be angry at them. I still shake a little sometimes, but that’s more annoying than anything else. I feel like my friend is more upset about it than I am, and I regret saying anything about it at all. I also feel perversely happy that someone took physical blows to, for all intents, defend me. But if the whole incident could be wiped out of my memory, I’d prefer that. I’m trying to continue my life as it was before, but minor anxieties have been filtering in that keep disrupting my happiness. And I really was so happy before all this.

I’m not anxious all the time. It’s pretty infrequent. But most of the time now I feel disengaged. It could happen again and I think I wouldn’t remotely care. I could go to their house, undress, and spread my legs without a hint of emotion. My emotions now are so muted. I feel lethargic. I guess that’s alright.

I hate myself for secretly loving you. After we fooled around after months of not seeing each other and we were hanging out in your bedroom, you spoke to me like you knew nothing about me and asked me questions about myself that I told you the answers to a long time ago. You forgot everything about me, you forgot that I even exist. And when I was about to take off to my house and you told me to “Drive carefully and text me when you get home so I know you made it,” I knew that was something you always said to me and any other girl who came to your house for you to fuck. And it was with that line of false concern that I realized that you’ll never love me, or even really like me for that matter. Drive safe…you wouldn’t even care if I crashed on the way home and was burned alive.

Maybe I’m just cynical or maybe a person can only be hurt so many times before the idea of love leaves. When I meet and get to know a happy, in love couple. I might say it’s not.

I know you’re just using me. I don’t care, because I’m just a helpful person. But don’t think for a minute that I am gullible and stupid. I’m nice but I can see everything clearly.

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. I’ve heard if you dream about someone it means you were the last person they thought of before they went to sleep. I want so badly to believe that. I wake up from dreams most every night about you. Last night in my dream you told me you left her. That you couldn’t marry her. The thought of not ending up with me for the rest of your life killed you inside. I didn’t want to wake up. Is this true? Do you feel this way? I’ll never know because this is reality. You are going to marry her. I’m not the girl you’re going to spend your forever with and guess who it’s killing. Me.

To my always, love your forever.

I really want sex. But have no way to get it. Dammit.

I’m a guy who window dresses all the time I make sure I don’t get caught and I know what I do is wrong. When I masturbate I think of doing it in front of total strangers, again the exhibitions thing. I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday you broke up with me.
Apparently you “Don’t have time for me.”
You’re such a fucking asshole, but I would do anything for you to call me right now.

You said you couldn’t be there for me – you, who I’ve counted on most of all.

You said I stress you out when I vent about my depression, and that you’re tired of it and want me to stop for awhile, to “give you time” to “work things out.”

I was going to tell you that the suicidal thoughts are coming back again, but I guess you’ll never know. You don’t want to be there, and you were the only thing that was keeping me here. You know what? I said I’m fine with it, but do you even care to know the truth about whether I’m okay or not?

I counted on you to bring me back down to Earth. You were (and I guess still are) my best friend. But what happened to the girl you used to be? Why aren’t you there anymore?

I wish you could understand that I really don’t have anyone else to go to right now.

But I guess you’ll never know that. You’ll never know that I’m slipping back under the surface, you’ll never know about what’s going on at home, and you’ll never know that you were all I had.

Don’t even bother trying to get me to understand. You really don’t know how much you hurt me.

You’ll never know, anyway. There’s no point in telling you anything about myself anymore.

Why do I even try anymore?

I’ve come to the realization that when i finally find some one I’m probably going to fall for them; and fall hard…

Fuck me…

so it happened like this. her phone is down and the ex isn’t informed about this. the ex is confused and think she’s ignoring him and saddened by all of this that in a fit of rage deletes her from his facebook. she is saddened by this and contacts him. he doesn’t understand what’s going on and isn’t sure whether to reply or not. he’s not sure what her intentions are. she feels rejected and humiliated and blocks him. he sees this and blocks her too. she finally unblocks him and sees he finally unblocked her as well. she doesn’t know what to do at this point–whether to contact him or not, and whether it’s too late to explain what happened.

c

You are so full of shit, it’s amazing.

I miss my rainbow hair.
I cant believe my parents made me take it out years ago.
Why not let me express myself? Its hair for god’s sakes! it grows back, does it not?
Sigh.

f/17/canada

i have laid my soul out for you. it was raw and unfiltered. it is up to you where we go from here.

“Im sorry Jake”
Its all they ever can muster to me whenever we talk. What is wrong with me? Why do they dump their boyfriends to be with me, then as the transfer takes place I am told that I’m not their type, or that there is not a perfect connection. To be the cause of a breakup is hard enough, but to never feel loved in the first place is terrible. 4 times now. I’m sleepy, and depressed.

goodnight my love. i miss you so much every day. i can not wait to start our life together. it is almost here. dont give up…..