Confessions

This month is really pushing me to the edge. Im 21, not doing great in college. Got a DWI 3 weeks ago and got fired from my job yesterday. Iv heard the worst thing a parent could say to their kid, You are a disappointed. Have very little friends, no girlfriend, no money, no nothing. I am 120,000 in debt from school. Why does life have to be so hard. I want to try to turn it around, but I just dont feel like I have the strength to carry on.

I feel as if I’m losing everyone around me…I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

WARNING: Confession about high school love.

Im afraid that im socially unfit because ive been homeschooled for 10 years. That by itself is a confession. Now I go to public school as a junior, but now when I see a girl I like (Read: FREAKING ADORE), I feel convinced that she will see past me and not wanna be with me. All the time I feel like I’m on the outside looking in with how people talk to eachother. And it amazes me somehow that it’s second nature for a guy to ask a girl out. thus every time I try, I become paralyzed with fear of rejection. Thoughts about me being socially awkward and other guys being better than me puts me in a “Try and land on your face” attitude. I hate it because at those moments, I believe the thoughts. I’m that guy who never says a word.

I decided not to carry a 4 week pregnancy to term for many reasons. Continuing my college education and financial preparation for raising a child were only two of those reasons. I do not regret this decision but feel silent frustration at an outside world of opinion that wants to bastardize and batter me verbally and socially because I stand with my right to choose. This was a private decision I made with my boyfriend (now fiancée) and my mother (both were prepared and embracing of either decision). I actually dream of being a teacher and I love to work with children – that was a big reason that I knew I wasn’t ready to be a parent. I worked hard to pay for my own schooling, and maintained more than three jobs during the process while earning high marks. I am a peaceful person and I mind my own business, but there’s something that just keeps tugging on my judgement that I have to confess just grinds my gears…

One of my future in-laws is a 17-year-old expectant mother. Her family is Catholic and strictly pro-life but they’re a community of jobless individuals that have no difficulty faking disability and abusing welfare to support their increasingly lazy and dependent lifestyles. This girl chain smokes while pregnant, abused drugs, and just found out that her child will be born with a major deformity as a result. She has since asked for donations in the form of cash and baby supplies from the extended family but she has never had a job and does not drive. This really pissed me off today because daily I am saturated with media and discussion about how poisonous pro-choice is to society and how pro-choice individuals are reckless and malicious in regard to the sanctity of life. I feel so hypocritical for passing judgement on her, but so angry that what she is doing is so much more socially acceptable than my decision to wait, and to do things with the means, and the heart, and the responsibility that comes with parenthood. How is their lifestyle respecting themselves, society, or that child?

There are many people in my area that would sooner slash my tires and crucify me if they found out what I did, but are ready to donate to a family that’s going to spend wheelchair money on cartons of cigarettes and satellite television so the family cycle can repeat itself.

I can’t speak about my decision in a public forum because I could face societal punishment in the form of job loss, vandalism, ostracization, and verbal abuse but this family has one hand on your wallet, and the other in mine, and it’s okay.

I wish your name wasn’t so common.

I often wonder if the people who run this website hate me for confessing so much or if they see me log on and think…oh damn she’s on again 🙂

i don’t like being faded. :/

i want to show you that i’m better than you.

I had the single greatest moment of my life last night. Everything Ive ever wanted was falling into place… and then I woke up. Now all i want to do is go back to that, but girls like me don’t get happy endings. we stay alone. all alone.

How long does this go on until I’m free? I wish I knew.

I live for myself not out of love but out of fear. If I think about acting on achieving an ideal, I either tell myself that I am going to fail before I do anything, or get mad at myself for making mistakes for doing something courageous or risky. And then I lie in bed all day entertaining myself with crap on the Internet to hide from the painful understanding of how I use guilt as a dagger to stab myself in the heart. How do I overcome this and live for myself with love?

i have been unaffected by the bad economy, and i hate hearing about how bad things are. i think laziness is the problem most of the time. now ppl just have something to blame it on. shut up!

He loves me, but I don’t love him yet.

i desperately want to seduce my history teacher

i think glenn is hot.

I feel tired. I think I am spent. I really am finding it difficult to care. No one knows though. Ha, oh how I do such a splendid job of pretending I am fine that even the closest to me have no idea. They recieve but a glimpse of my worst moments but nowhere near its full wrath.

I saw a boy from my old school tonight and was so happy to see him. He’s gorgeous now. He tried getting me alone all night. He walked me half way home and kissed me. I have a boyfriend who i love so much. I’ve been irritated with him foe the past three days and that’s the only reason i kissed the other boy. I feel terrible but i feel that my boyfriend is d9ing the same shit right now. I’m buzzed by the beer and shocked by the want.

I guess I just wanted to know if he cared. I’ve got my answer, he doesn’t. That’s what I expected. Dear Lord, please break me of this habit of caring about the wrong people.

I’m a 17 year old boy who’s biggest dream is to be on Glee. What now?

i hate the way i look, i look down when i go to the bathroom at school so i’m not forced to see my reflection. sometimes, i think being dead is better than having to live life hating yourself.

It’s been two years since the police saved me from you. Or saved you from me. You will never know this, but when they took me to the battered women’s shelter, and made sure you stayed away from the house while they escorted me through town, you were in danger, not me. I was going to kill you when you came home on your lunch break if you put your hands on me again. I still think about how I could kill you and get away with it. I saw you the other day in town and panicked all over again. You are only capable of evil, and i know there’s some girl you are holding hostage just as you did me for two months. I feel that if i kill you, it will be justified.