Confessions

When I first saw you, I developed a small crush on you. Two years later, we met again and I forgot how to breath around you. I fell in love with you and we started to go out. It couldn’t have been more perfect….

Everyone I knew hated you, hated you with such a passion that they would scowl if I even brought you up in conversation. They kept telling me over and over that it wouldn’t last between us and that you were just using me, playing me, and I just laughed.

My friends were right. You were just using me. You told me that yourself, that all you wanted to do was rape me and beat me, and it shattered me. It wasn’t the first time I’ve been used before and it just tore my heart apart.

And I’m still in love. For some reason, I’m still in love. Holding onto something that doesn’t even exist to make myself feel better. You keep telling me you love me though, that you don’t want to hurt me, and that you would give me the world and more… and I believe you.

My guardian angel, my best friend who hates him, is moving out of the area. She won’t be there to protect me anymore but at the same time she won’t be able to keep me away from him. I’ve never been so happy to lose someone.

I pretend to be interested in this douchey Jonah Hill look-and-sound-alike because he can get me the best weed. As if I’d actually like him like that.

I have paid my price for all that I did in the past.

I cast it away from me. I embrace the future, and happiness with you.

I will be for you what I needed then, always.
I will never judge you. I will stand by you forever,
no matter what, and this shall also be part of my penance.

We are private people, and it is all right to keep parts of the story
to ourselves.

Please, universe, from now on let us be happy and let us step forward,
free from everything but possibility.

The logical voice in my head says you’re not worth the hassle – you’re already seeing someone and even if you weren’t we aren’t supposed to be involved since you are my supervisor. But every time we get to talking, I forget all about logic (and everything else I should be doing) and I just want to be with you. I go to work hoping to see you and when I get home I replay our conversations in my mind, looking for clues that you want me as much as I want you. I am too self-conscious to think that you feel the same, but I don’t think either of us can deny the sexual tension. I honestly don’t want you to cheat or to break up with her for me, if you were that type of person I wouldn’t be attracted to you in the first place. But maybe sometime you can kiss me – like a science experiment – and I’ll discover that fireworks don’t go off and you taste like an ashtray… and then I can start to get over you.

I hate the idea that she will do anything for you to stay with her. I’m starting to believe that it is pathetic. I understand the choice you made but like you said, you made the wrong one. I want her to understand that. I love you.

i think the main reason i’ve never tried to persue you, was because i know that you are an extremely sexual person, and not only are we completely sexually incompatable, with you being like a beast in the bed and me being…practically a virgin, but also, because the thought of having sex really scares me.

I wish I could tell people how I feel

NO youre so fucking wrong! If you did know, I thought you did, you would. Go to hell for being so fucking simple minded selfish and hurtful. I tried to trust you again, I hate you.

today i love you less, and slowly what i felt is subsiding. but i still regret not telling you, because though things seem to change i still want to be that girl that comforts you in those times that you need someone.

i think of sex. it makes me feel bad. it makes me feel that i have sinned.

My girlfriend drunkenly told me that she thinks girls are cute when she’s drunk.

I think boys are cute when I’m sober, and drunk. Maybe I’ll tell her some day.

I’m a medicinal chemistry student now going into my final year. I’ve never been good at science. Ever. I’ve loved it since I was a child and I could differentiate the difference between faith in religion and cold logic. When I was younger, I used to pray that angels and God would look after those hurt. These days, I know what I need to do to ensure they don’t die instead of leaving it to chance.

As life progressed I went to a school supposedly for gifted children. It required an entrance exam and it was designed to weed out children of a certain intellect. My exam results were always sporadic in the sense I excelled in English and Maths but never science.

I grew older with my friends that I saw from a young age. For the most part they didn’t get far and dropped out early. It must have been the mega expensive school fees. However, the other half I had to cope with watching my peers flourish. They became so much smarter so much quicker. I was never considered “gifted” at all in comparison to them as they won regional and even national awards for their work, getting offers from better universities and a repetoire of amazing grades. Can you imagine what’s it like? Trying to compete with that and getting nowhere near?

My teacher’s laughed at me when I told them what I wanted to do at university. My English teacher mocked me saying “boys never chance” in her cynical old age. I might not be at a great university now but I’m damn well showing them how wrong they can be. I’m going to get my doctorate and I’m going to prove them all wrong by walking back into school with my qualifications to say “Fuck you. Fuck you and your doubt in me”.

It’s your birthday, today. You hide that on your fb for some reason. More than anything I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. Since I can’t, I’ll do that here. Happy Birthday, darling. I wish more than ever, that I could be there to celebrate it with you. I hope that today, you have the best day out of your whole life. This year, celebrates another year of you. I am so grateful to have met you. Until then.

8.5 years ago i met a guy. he was perfect. he liked everything i liked. loved to hang out with me. wanted me to meet everyone he knew, even his family. told everyone i was with him without thinking twice about his reputation. gave me gifts and took me on dates. i was the happiest person on the planet when i was with him. sometimes he would get grim and talk about how he wouldn’t be able to live without me or how he wasn’t sure how he would take it if i wasn’t with him any more but i put that off as normal teenage crap. one day we decided to go to my house to hang out like we had done many times before hand. that was the day my whole world came crashing down. my mom had heard a few things from some of my friends that were too afraid to tell me themselves and had done a background check on him. turns out that guy i loved, cared for, and trusted didn’t exist. not only was he a level 2 sex offender but his own mother lied to me as well. they told me he was 18 and had gotten into some trouble with violence as a kid. turns out that violence was his brothers sisters and cousins all ranging in ages 4 to 12 being paid and bribed into doing horrible things of a sexual nature. i was just another victim. not only had he completely fooled me but through me he got to two of my friends. he was also very active in the rave scene picking up under age girls there. he was and still is a sex offender. now hes a level 3 and thanks to shutting down McNeil island he is being released soon. 4 years ago i was called in to give a statement against him that was supposed to put him away for the rest of his life. being that he managed to pass me a message even when he was in jail about how we would”be together again no matter what” i was all for it. i had to relive every horrible detail of that time again. i was emotionally wrecked afterward but picked myself up again soon. i never had a need for a counselor because it was over and i was dealing just fine. not to mention that as soon as the state attorney was done with me i never heard from them again. another 4 years went by and i was happy and free. i didn’t have to hide anymore. i could do whatever i wanted and not have to worry about that creepy fuck seeing it. last week my mom got a letter in the mail, no clue why no one contacted me, about the jerk. my mom got me in contact with victims advocates through providence to help me get a restraining order against him so when he gets out he cant contact me or my kid (not his btw). so far i have felt overwhelmed, scared, trapped, and alone. the advocate was supposed to help me fill the order out but she gave up on me and sent me home with it. shes not even sure it will get filed due to some judge that doesn’t like to let these orders go through. im trying to get this all done when the rest of my world came to a cluster fuck again. on top of the creep crap i have my kids birthday, overdue PUD bill, rental manager trying to make my life hard, and a family that could give two shits less about me. im so tired of fighting all this that im ready to give up. i cant even find a reason to tell you why i shouldn’t.

he was supposed to be gone till he died of old age. now hes had 8 years to stew on the fact that i put him in jail. what in the fuck is a stupid piece of paper supposed to do?!

the most fucked up part is i was happy in my ignorance. ive never been that happy since.

I still have weird feeling when I think about my ex-girlfriend. Its been a year and a half since we broke up and I don’t know why I still have feelings towards her. I’m in a new, happy relationship. I encountered her at a party and she was on a break from her new boyfriend so she could basically just have sex with whoever. This got me thinking- am I wasting my college years being in a relationship? Am I going to regret not being single? I’m worried that I’m missing out on life.

I don’t know what i’d do without you, i wouldn’t give you up for anything in the world. i love you more than any other boyfriend i’ve had, you’re my everything, and i care about you like no other. And that’s how it’s gonna stay, all the time, till i die. i can honestly say i trust you completely, and..
i’d never do anything to hurt you. You’re mine, and i’m happier than i’ve been in a long time.. You’re the only one who can make me forget about anything and everything that upsets me by the feel of your touch. You’re my angel, and i thank god for you every day ♥

I think my confessions here are harming someone here so this is it for me. I’ve been wanting to stop confessing here a long time anyway. Goodbye 🙁

I think this is what falling in love feels like, because I haven’t smiled this genuinely in more than two years. 🙂

And one day you come back and she’s gone without a trace

I just wonder whats holding me back. Career-wise, things are picking up. I feel like I’m working, I feel like I’m a valid adult. And thats wonderful.

But I feel like I’ve lived my life, a shell of what it could have been. Sure, maybe living some of those things through might’ve been stupid, but I’d more to tell about than just wanting to live those things. I’m 20 years old, and I don’t have anything to say.

I don’t know whats holding me back from finding something. I don’t know why relationships don’t happen for me. Maybe no one looks long enough to want to. I know I’m pretty, I know I’m confident.

Life is big and wonderful and beautiful if you work for it. I know it is. I’ve touched it. But I’ve never kept it. I want to know what I’m missing, but I don’t know how to step up and take it. I want to know why I feel like its stupid to like someone like him. I want to understand how my standards got so low that I can’t be with someone like him. I want to know why I’m not living.