Confessions

I bet money I freaked that guy out, not freaked him out, but scared him… a little. >:) I didn’t mean to though, I just didn’t want to talk at work, don’t want people gossiping, so I kind of HAD to iggy him a little :\ I still wanted him around though..

I wish I was an only child.

No more 3am calls letting you rant or rides because you have another suspension. How many shifts did I cover for you? I dropped everything without compaining. You selfish prick.

The other day my dog was play fighting with me laid on back the stuck her butt in the air and shot me with a stream of urine which propelled much like a rocket. I’d like to be able to train her to do this on command. So if any unwanted house guests broke in she could pee them away.

This is my first time on one of these sites, but i feel like i have to tell someone.
On Friday i was walking home from school with my girlfriend and i walked on the side of a fence that was next to a road. And she said, jump in front of a car. And i actually wanted to, so i stepped into the road but then she pulled me back and said, i was only joking. But i felt like i had to, and that it would be the right thing to do. Whats wrong with me?

I’m good at writing. I used to love writing stories when I was a kid; I’ve always had a passion for it, and I get top marks in my English essays. One day, some people in my English class jokingly begged me to write theirs for them, saying they’d pay me with sweets. I laughed it off good-naturedly, but deep down, I knew what I’d truly like to be paid with; their companionship. I’d love for them to include me in their crowd, make me feel valued; give me somewhere to belong, because the truth is, I have no-one, and it hurts.

You made my days just that little bit more bearable and now you won’t talk to me. That’s fine, I’m done being your little slut any more, when you want someone to turn to I won’t be here.

For the last two years, I have been battling a porn addiction. I am a teenager and a Christian, but this has driven my away from my God and everything I believe. I am too embarrassed to say it to anyone else. My mind has been warped and twisted, and I am ready to give up my addiction.

I was happy, you know, before that day.
Too bad you made me go insane.
Too bad you filled my heart with hope
and lit a fire inside my brain.

I was safe, you know, before that day.
Too bad you found the only key.
Too bad you opened up the box
and set my secret demons free.

I changed, you know, when you kissed me that day.
And now I wish you never had.
Because now I dream of nothing else
and you’ll never know–too bad.

I think I’d like to try being more (a little bit more, nothing crazy now) than fuck buddies, but a) I don’t know how to move from here to there, and b) I have no idea how you’d feel about that. Truly zero clue. Which makes it very risky for me to raise this.

Not to mention that we never talk and only text for booty calls, so *how* would I even start such a conversation?!? Oyitch.

Notes to self:
Feel fractured
Feel trapped.
Be self loathing.
Remember what it was like to be thirteen.
Try to kill yourself when you were thirteen.
Romanticize it
Have a breakdown.
Call a suicide hot line- hang up.
Never let her know about it.
Make sure that your past ties your guts up.
Now think
Does it make you feel tight?
good
Make sure you think about how you could be living
So you can’t enjoy how you are living.
Make sure that past lover still dwells on your mind.
Think about her
then don’t
Then do- late at night, most nights.
When you’re feeling tight.
So tight you can’t breathe.
Want to tell everyone
Tell no one
A cry for help or a cry for attention?
Never cry, just be tight.
Just feel anxious.
Just want to touch her when you see her
Because you want to feel how you did.
And it has nothing to do with her and everything
To do with you
and how tight you are
inside
Want her because you want to be happy again
She wouldn’t make you happy again.

Cant log into
FB
Pw didn’t work
Can’t change Pw
Because email
Isn’t working

It’s there, it just isn’t giving me mail.
I would like atleast to get the one mail that will do that.

I thought we said ‘No matter what’ remember? So now you think i don’t want you in my life? I do… He will just have to accept that you are my friend and will always be like i promised…Or else. At least i think that is what we said.. Memory is still a bit vague

where to even start? i’m not sure when i stopped loving myself, but it happened.

i want to be thin and beautiful. i started eating a meal a day and living off water and celery sticks and protein shakes seemed to work. i buy magazines nearly every time i go somewhere that sells them, come home, and cut out the pictures of the thinnest and most beautiful models. i then take these pictures and tape them to my bedroom wall, thinking it’s enough inspiration to get me off my ass and into the gym so i can work off more calories than i’ve taken in for the day.

it worked for a while. whenever i ate something unhealthy or even slightly fattening, i took the same scissors and made a deep slice into my hand, and always in the same spot. the pain there was pretty bad. people questioned it, so i knew i couldn’t cut on my hand anymore. now i’ve got a nasty scar.

lately, i’ve been binging like crazy. i’ve lost control in that respect, so i take scissors to my knees. i can’t even feel the pain there, so my knees are just ugly and i’m almost pain-free, so i feel like i can keep binging on food without feeling the pain of slicing myself up.

when i look in the mirror, i see an ogre who will never be found attractive by anyone. i’m not trying to lose weight to be healthy. i’m doing it so i can stop picking at my fat and cutting myself up.

my personality is down the drain, too. i’ll put on my happy face for other people because they care enough to ask repeatedly what’s wrong with me. when i’m alone, which is so often now, i stare into space and just break out in tears.

i wish i could tell someone this because i almost want advice. still, i know no one i know will really understand because i don’t think anyone i know has gone through this. i hate me.

When i was a teenager working part time for a company that makes food stuff on the last day i spat in one of the tanks where the stuff is made. Sorry to anyone who ate the stuff!

i’m gay. my parents don’t know. My best friend is gay and i date her brother. iv’e been attracted to my best friend for as long as i can remember and i know shes attracted to me too. we just dont want to say anything, it makes me sad because instead of fantasizing about her brother i’m fantasizing about her.

Shorthly before I got fired by the company i urinated in one of the soap despensers, haha revenge was mine!

I will be anorexic again, I miss it. I hate being fat.

I’m sixteen, a drug addict, an atheist, and anorexic. I am committed to a boy five hundred miles away, I’m ashamed to look my family in the eye, and I miss the days I was happy.
I will never love myself, and thus I will never be loved.

I’m dating a guy I’ve known all my life. He is my first real boyfriend, ever. We’ve been together three years and I love him. A year into our relationship I moved away to North Carolina. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said “I’ll wait for you”. So here I’ve been for two years, I’m a junior in high school. I know for a fact that he is fucking every girl in town back home, but I’ll never break up with him because I’m afraid to at this point. I’m so fucking scared that no one else will ever love me. I’ll probably marry him one day and he’ll push me around and I’ll never know love. But I’ll never say anything because I can’t do it. He was never any good for me, and I knew it. I could never say no to him, and he knew it. He took my innocence in the eighth grade and now, in the eleventh, my life no longer belongs to me. All he’s ever done is hurt hurt hurt me. I don’t even think he knows.
And I just can’t say why, but I can’t say goodbye.