Confessions

I did not get what I wanted.

It’s not that I don’t love you and you know this. You know that I love you. Our relationship has hurt way more than it ever should have and it did from the start. I have been unable to forgive you for ALL of the hurtful things you have said and done to me. It’s your denial of the hurts you caused that have made it hard for me to forgive.

I’m going to spend the rest of my life missing you though.

I had a wildly inappropriate dream about a coworker and everytime he speaks on this conference call I can’t help but think about it!

So many of these comments could be me.

today is the first day i move towards a future without you…..

I am actually so scared about my mum dying.
She is healthy and only 48, but I know one day I’m going to get a call saying she has passed away and I don’t know what i am going to do.
Thinking about that always makes my 50 other problems seem less important.
I love you mum!

I’m trying not to think about how this is the sixth night that I have slept without you, and how sick that makes me feel.
I miss you spooning me, and waking me up at 6.30am for cuddles. >:(

This Wednesday is flashies.
I know I’m gonna get drunk, and end up calling you and ill end up crying and ruining my own night,
its inevitable.

I wonder if you did ever love me, because you can not just fall out of it that easy, it takes months,
And I wonder if I ever loved you? Or did I just become obsessed with needing you, because the thought of being alone scared me too much.

What is love?

My ex used to make me feel like shit about myself. He would comment on other girls’ “great bodies” right in front of me, when he *knew* I had body-image issues. It got worse and worse, and I started hating myself more and more, until I just stopped eating. Then, it got to the point where when I did eat until I felt full, I would throw it all up. Food was my enemy, I hated it, I saw it as this vice that I could avoid so I could stay skinny and pretty for my boyfriend.

Girls, please don’t let this happen to you. If you feel this way, then you need to dump your guy. I’m the weight that I am supposed to be now, and I met this amazing guy who likes me for me. I’ve never been happier. 🙂

good morning tim. ill put it all here because i cant let you hurt me anymoe. one day it will be less and less. but for right now, ill just put it here. oh, and you deleted me off as your xbox friend…lame.

ever since my friend got a “grown up” boyfriend, she has been acting like a total moron. honey, he doesn’t love you…he’s just using you b/c you’re young and put out.

I love my best friend, but lately, I just can’t stand hanging out with her. She’s just so boring, and everytime we hang out, it’s just so routine and old that I just want to cry. I love having fun, I love being spontaneous and trying new things. She’s all “grown up” now, but at the same time, she is very immature. All we ever do anymore is go “shopping”…Meaning I follow her around while she spends *hours* shopping for overpriced makeup and perfume that my grandma might wear. When I get bored, I start talking, and she tells me to shut up so she can concentrate. Seriously, that’s all we EVER do. She comes to me with all of her problems. I’m always there for her when she needs to vent and I try my damndest to help her however I can. But do I get the same? No. “That’s life, you just have to get over it.”

I think it’s time to retire this friendship. Deenah, it’s been fun, but I really just can’t take anymore.

Worst feeling ever:

Staring at your phone every few seconds waiting for a Text message back after messaging someone
a) something really important
b) you really like
c) you’re fighting with
d) your ex that you’re still in love with, even though they are a complete careless a-hole
e) all of the above

I am currently in category e) but also d). It has been one hour and 14 minutes. It’s not that hard to reply, and you are driving me insane!

If people saw me the way I see myself…even fewer people would like me than already do.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about killing myself.
I hate my life.
I just want there to be one person who gives a flying fuck about me. Just one…

I’m homeschooled and i have no friends IRL, i have friends online, but my parents dont know about them 😀

I worry about you more than myself.

I am not good enough for anyone in my life. I don’t have a positive impact on them, and they don’t enjoy my company at all. I’m a burden to them while I’m just being myself. I’ve tried so hard to make them all happy, but even when I’m trying it never works. Everything I do seems to make people unhappy and I’m sick of all my actions being seen as mistakes. Every little thing I do is the wrong thing to do. they all get mad at me for whatever happens. It never used to be like this. But now even my mum gets upset and starts screaming at me that she’ll commit suicide and it will be because of me, that I could make anyone want to kill themselves. Nice huh? And I’m just that normal 17 year old girl, living on your normal suburban street.

I used to think maybe it was just those people that would be unhappy no matter what. That I was normal and should try not to get too upset about it. As it happens more and more I see it’s me that affects people. I can’t measure up to anyone’s expectations, there’s huge disappointment when I don’t. That is why I try to hard to be invisible, to disappear. I remove myself from everyone’s lives so they can live in peace without me. This won’t help me out at all, but I have to admit this somewhere. I have to say the words that have been stuck in my head for so long and own up to it.

This thing in japan is so serious. Everyday it gets worse and then were told it’s not so bad. Radiation in the sea is very bad. Sometimes it feels like it is near the end of days. Who knows? I just feel really worried for all man kind right now.

Sometimes the capchas freak me out and I confess things I wouldn’t normally do out of worry.