Confessions

DJV-Ever since I met you, that one time, I haven’t been able to think clearly. Either I’ve really gone insane this time or I really do love you. Because here I am, almost 3 years later reminiscing about that night. You drove me all around this beautiful city and I sipped on the peach juice you bought me. Sitting in your car, we each put a hand up and placed our palms together to see the difference in the size of our hands. I wish then that I had grasped your hand and held it tightly. I wish I kissed you. I need you, and I pray to God we’ll meet again. Everything reminds me of you. I don’t want to forget what we had. I hope you feel the same. BC

I am in love with my best friend. I’ll never tell her. It’s kind of eating away at me.

I am the most Hypocritical Person in the World.

I watch my family eat themselves to death. I shudder at their ignorance to their obvious morbid obesity. I wonder how i will feel when they die. Sad, angry, guilty?
I open my mouth, or make a face at what they eat, and I get attacked. I deserve it. I might as well call them all fat-asses to their face.
I just watched my sister eat a huge bowl of chocolate cheerios, a whole bag of butter popcorn, an overflowing bowl of banana split ice cream and then another bag of butter popcorn. Oh and this morning she had a cup of oatmeal with a shitload of maple syrup and milk.
I think about my sisters drinking gallons of soda and eating bowls of peanut butter and chocolate chips, my mom downing two large cans of soup and then a family size bag of Lays, and my dad eating a Double whopper, fries, coke, and then finishing off mom’s fries.
It makes me sick.
I hate it.
I am such a Bitch.

Today, i’ve eaten 569 calories.
Almost everyday I promise my dad i will eat more. I fear weight gain.
Honest to god, it scares me to death. I will skip a birthday party in fear of judgement for skipping out on every single food item available. I am slightly underweight, yet i look sorta average. Why? Because rapid weight loss due to starving myself has left me with loose/flabby skin- The very bane of my existence. I know it’s just the by-product of anorexic eating habits, but i still eat way below maintenance just to “be sure i wont gain fat”
I constantly watch my carb intake. i tell myself i will let myself eat more carbs if i exercise, but even when i do, i worry if the number goes above 100. today, I faked being sick and i stayed home to avoid turning in a huge project i blew off. Ive consumed 50-something net carbs today, and it’s 4:37 PM. I’m not afraid of fat, at all. I’m very good at eating all the good for you fats. Today ive eaten 26 grams.
Hell, i even stress out about too much protein, which i always seem to get plenty, if not excessive amounts of it. Excess protein can cause fat gain.
Stay away, stay away….

I have never been able to eat like a teenager and not be fat. I have been fat all my life, except for the 2 months i was normal weight, and now, i’m underweight.

in a perfect world, i would workout every week and eat extra to gain muscle, tone up, and lose the loose saggy fat. But i’m just not that dedicated. I used to do cardio obsessively, an hour a day six days a week, followed by weight machines. Now, i only enjoy Zumba classes. I just hate machines. Hate them.

I want to be normal, but i fear i’ve ruined my metabolism from being in starvation mode for months. I barely reach 1000 calories by the end of the day, and then i binge on rediculous things. I bought fat free cream cheese and ate the whole tub in 2 days. I didnt eat it ON anything, i just picked at it when i was bored. Same thing with the fat free whipped cream, and the fat free yogurt.

i know what i need to do to be healthy again, but i’m scared, so so scared, that i’ll look horrendous if i put anymore fat onto my saggy post-weight-loss pooch. So scared that i’m likely killing myself.

God Help me.

Reading these confessions makes me realise we all have it tough. Strange, but that makes me feel better.

I’m ready for a relationship, just looking for the right guy. I want to be with a guy who makes me laugh all the time, who listens to me when I have something to say, who will walk me to my car or to class, who will sit with me instead of his friends, who texts me good morning and good night everyday, who is religious, who is a good friend to a lot of people and most importantly someone to break me free of my oppressing shyness that has kept me in isolation from guys.
I’m ready for you, we need to find each other <3

I love you sooo much…..at least I think I do. Sometimes you seem like everything I have ever wanted and more….other times I think wow how could I have ever cares for him?truth is I’d do anything foe you….I’m just scared that I’m not truly in love with you…..maybe I’m just in love with the idea of you and who I want you to be…<3

My friends and I have been making fun of the one teacher’s assistant/ student teacher guy who has taken over my P.E. class because he teaches in such an annoying way…
But lately I’ve been looking more and more forward to going to P.E. twice a week and I keep on looking forward to seeing him in school.
He’s been on my mind so much and I don’t know what to do…… bum bum buuuum

I love her, and it cuts deep when I know consciously and subconsciously that she will never love me back. It hurts to have to try to move on.

That is a very beautiful song. I cant help but crack a bottle because you’re not here alien, I wait for you to take my breath away.

i’m drained. i’m cold and tired and hurt. mostly tired.

I’m so depressed that my heart hurts. Everything is so stressful. I would do anything to have that go away. College, family, finances and YOU make my life a living hell. Ever since I met you I knew I wanted to be with you. We’ve been together for 4 months and you won’t acknowledge that I’m your girlfriend. You have sex with me and kiss me and hug me, but won’t tell me that one simple thing. It’s stuff like this that has me fantasizing about killing myself every day.

🙁 Make this all go away.

I love my girlfriend. She is great to me and she deserves to be treated excellently. But sometimes I just end up being an asshole. I moved to this city when I was 18, and she has been living here her whole life. Her past is so thick around us it’s almost tangible at times. She has more experience in most everything than me, and sometimes I can’t help feeling that she’s already had all the crazy times she wants to have. She’s tried all the drugs she could wish to, had all the hot sex. Not that what we have isn’t hot, but it seems like she’s less motivated, like it’s nothing new. These feelings, of love and of distance, have a quiet war within me.

I wish I didn’t hate myself so much.

When I was 15, I converted to Islam. It all seemed to make sense, and I thought that I was going down the right path- and I was. My attitude was better, I became alot more mature, and I felt like my life had purpose to it. Now, I’m becoming skeptical as to whether God exists or not. I don’t really know why I feel this way. My dilemma is not knowing whether there is an afterlife. If there is, and I die, I’m pretty much screwed considering the fact that I almost completely shunned my religion, and if there’s not, and I revert back to Islam,(or any religion, for that matter,) then I wasted alot of time not being able to life my life how I want, because of certain things being “looked down upon” or being considered a sin. My mom is on her way to visit- to lecture me about my religion again.

you will encounter the same problem over and over agin with anyone you date because YOU are the problem. you are insecure and lazy. what grown man lives off his step mother and father and smokes weed all fucking day. your dad mooches off a woman-no pride. your brother mooches off a woman-no pride. and now you are prepping a woman to take care of you as well. you are nothing more than a low grade pimp who pimps trailer trash. you feed that insecure slut the i loves yous she will never get from others…thats why she is still single. no one wants her, LOL!! your son will do it to. you were earnign his respect, he came out of a lot of depression and you are going right back in. you are THE example….way to go dad. oh and when peanut marries a man that cheats on her and uses her, do not be shocked, dad. you should have NEVER tried to give me any parenting advice…lol. you fucked up on that. who wants parenting advice from a LOSER.

Yet again i screw up, i have the ‘job’ i have a decent bf, well i did until i let my insecurities get to me, now im pushing him away, who can blame him? I cant, im the screw up, whos too demandimg, too depressive, too stropy, who cares too much, im the one that moved away and screwed up the one chance of getting back to my bf, so that i actully got to see him, to spend quality time with him. but i failed as i always do. I miss him like mad, he tries so hard well he seems to try, but its never good enough for me, nothing ever is, I want it to be perfect. I adore him but i have a resistance to really let him in, i want to, but i push him away and test him and i cant stop myself. Im losing him and hes the best any bloke has ever been to me. why cant i just get a grip?

im 17 and untill very recently ive had to wear diapers.. all through out my life i have wet the bed every night and it was my single biggest fear that someone would find out.

I wish I didn’t care. Ich habe dich ganz doll Lieb und bin nie sicher wie du fühlst. Es ist echt scheiße. Fühle ich wie Selbstmord ist der einfach Antwort

I’m dying on the inside and one day…I’m gonna do something about it and finish the job.

When I was a med student I practiced medicine without license out of country for two months it was necessary to the family I helped.