I had a dream that KU won the national championship, and even though I’m not a fan I decided to come celebrate on the streets in Lawrence. In the midst of all the hubbub I somehow saw you in the crowd about 10 or 15 feet away from me. Our eyes met… and I smiled.

After the approach you took to leave me, after the lack of answers, after the lack of you wanting to have anything to do with me… the dream me still found it in myself to smile at you.

I’ve been thinking about this dream a lot today. Obviously KU fell short of cutting the nets down, but the dream still has me wondering. If I saw you on the streets in real life, would I have the heart to smile? Would I run up and demand answers on the spot? Would I pretend I didn’t see you or know you?

It’s hard for me to say. It’s hard when 2010 feels like such a waste to me right now. Everything we built up last year evaporated right before my eyes. You untagged / removed the pictures you had of us on Facebook. You speak of being madly in love with your new guy (even three months afterwards). You still don’t find it worth the time to shoot me an email, or write me a quick letter saying “hang in there”.

So much of me has just wanted to pretend we never met and live my life acting like I never knew you. Yet, 2010 showed me that you’re more than worth the muscles used to turn that frown upside down. All the memories we made need not be shoved into the trash bin of my mind. We loved each other, and that’s not a small feat in the least.

Both sides of the coin are sparring for my endorsement right now. Just know that even if I do run into you in real life and I can’t do it, you produced a year’s worth of smiles… and I will never truly forget you for that.

This is so bad of me, but I seriously want my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend to break up with her new boyfriend. She hurt my boyfriend by dumping him for the new guy, and I just don’t want her to be with anyone. I want her to still be in love with my boyfriend. She probably isn’t, but if I’m lucky, she wasn’t able to fall out of love with her first love. I barely even know her, but I want it so bad. I want her to be alone and pining for my boyfriend. I would give anything for them to break up.

I’m so glad I decided to separate myself from you clowns. All of you, straight up COWARDS.

How is it that we decide to all engage in this business venture together, but none of you have the balls to oust the one member who’s completely dysfunctional, narcissistic, and unproductive?

Yet, you would all call me, complaining about HIM. How selfish, lazy, unmotivated, and disrespectful he was. Well, you see, I decided to do something about it—gracefully bow out of the operation. Best move I could’ve made.

And you would think that if your main workhorse (me) has chosen to leave the operation, the remaining members would do everything in their power to accomodate the workhorse instead of the anchor.

That must be in Utopia only.

Instead, you little bitches decide to place personal relationships over the functionality of the business. Clearly you clowns aren’t businessmen, especially the punk ass, self-ordained CEO.

“Oh you know he’s going to talk shit about us to everyone..”

So f*cking what???!! I have never seen such a weak group of panzy mofos in my entire life. And ever since I decided to fly solo, things have been nothing but uphill, at a much faster rate than anticipated.

Fuck all you clowns. You better not ask me for anything else. You ever cross paths with me in public, you better keep it moving.

” I saw it coming, that’s why I went solo ” –Ice Cube

I dont know why i get with you. all the time. I really dont. I knew from the get go that you were the polar opposite of the kind of guy i want. Your an ass. You are just such a dickhead. You will egt with me and then not talk to me the next day. Infact, i dont kow that we have ever spoken to each other when were not on a night out together. We were happening on and off for 9 months, so i decided i would send you a text. Nothing big, just a text. You wouldnt talk to me for like, 2 weeks after that. Then this girl im in college with found out we had happened a few times, and when she said it to you, you denied it and wouldnt talk to me for a month. Then, you waited till i got really drunk and told me that i liked you a lot more than you liked me and that we had to stop. That suited me fine. I dont see you for a good while, and when i do, we are civil, But then you had to ruin it. You had to come on to me. And of course, we got together again. Except this time you did all the work. You held my hand, something you never would have done before. You came after me. After you said i had too much emotion in it, and i liked you too much, YOU came after ME. And i hate myself for getting with you. I know you are and ass, but i just keep doing it. I have a kind hear you see, and i cant help but want to try and make this work. I hope, even thought i know i shouldnt. I hope that you will change and that we could be together, even when i know it wont happen. Even when i dont even think i like you, but just because im a fool. Ugh, just, i wish i didnt have to see you. Because i hate you that little bit because i like you….i think…

I finally got what i spent so long wishing about. What i spent so many tears, and sleepless nights, and hours feeling guilty at what little work i was doing. I finally got it. And i couldnt be happier. But im STILL not motivated enough to work through it, till the end. I just cant find the energy to work my best at it. I think its because im scared that i wont be as great at it as i have always wanted to be, or as great and natural at it as everyone expects me to be.
Maybe i should stop worrying about all this and just TRY.
But….I dont know if i can.

I LOVE YOU.