I am in love with one of my friends, but may never be able to tell him.

One of my friends had a thing for him too a long time ago, and I secretly hated her (but I swear it was Only for liking him; other than that we were totally cool).

The few friends who actually know about this think I’m crazy for feeling the way that I have for the last 3 1/2 yrs, but not having the courage to tell him how I feel: I remember the first time ever I saw his face (yep, like the song).. he smiled “Hello” at me, and (for me, at least) it was like when Tony & Maria see each other at the dance in “West Side Story”; everything else just f a d e d a w a y …..
The first word to pop into my head was “Wow….”. The first 3-4 months I knew him, every time I saw him (almost every day; his office was near mine) the temperature would rise like 20 degrees, my palms would get all sweaty & butterflies the size of Wooly Mammoths would fly around in my stomach. No man on earth in my entire life has EVER elicited such a reaction from me, yet the fear of rejection or altering our friendship was/is greater.

And now, my heart feels like it is trapped in a Cuisinart; he is involved with someone else.. When I do see him now, it’s all I can do to hold back the tears. I’ve never gone after a man who was already taken, & I don’t think too highly of women who do, but.. although I truly love him as a friend & wish him happiness & love, I still wish it could be with me instead.

It’s not like I haven’t been attracted to other men besides him, it’s just that there’s alwasys this ‘comparison chart’ stuck in my head, and nobody really measures up (I do feel bad about that; it isn’t fair to them)… So, now on top of that mess, I fear that I’ll never be able to “settle” for anyone else, and end up childless and alone… a Spinster Bitch. That, or, I will “settle” for some other guy, but continue to want HIM the rest of my life…..

*sigh*……….. 🙁