I am 24 years old. I have never had a girlfriend.
The only person who ever noticed me was a girl I met just after finishing high school. I don’t know if she ever loved me, but at least seemed interested.
She moved away before anything could happen between us, and became involved with another man. Their relationship grew, while I held on to memories of someone I barely knew. We only ever hung out a few times before she left, I didn’t even really know her, I had to make things up about her in my head.
I loved her so much, no one had ever noticed me before (or since). One day, when I was 22 she came to visit for a few days. She was still in the same relationship. We spent those three days together, cuddling, kissing, and we had sex once. It was the first and only time I’ve ever been with a girl, although I stopped halfway through because I felt guilty about her cheating.
I never saw her again after that. I hated myself so much for doing what I did, but I will admit I was on the brink of suicide. All I wanted was to die, because I knew it was impossible for anyone to care about me. When she cheated on her boyfriend with me, it was the only special moment I’ve ever had in my life, and the only time I was ever truly happy. In the time that would follow, those few days were all I had to keep me going in life. I am confident I would not be here if she wouldn’t have done that for me.
I hate myself, I hate being alone, but I am still alive, because someone decided to cheat. I don’t think it meant much to her, I think she was angry with her boyfriend and wanted to hurt him, but it meant the world to me.
I wish someone out there could love me, or even just pretend to. I’ve managed to hold on because on that one experience, but I feel my time is again running short.
I am so very alone.