I sincerely like him.
I liked him before, years ago, but I was aware that he was off-limits then. Not in a relationship, but in love. Love that would become a relationship a year or so later… but one that was obvious to everyone regardless.
I like non-emotion, fact things about him, that he can handle himself, is responsible with money, can cook, bake, isn’t as far away as he could be, etc.
I like emotion, stupid fact things, too, like how he can mock me and I won’t feel upset, how he’s dedicated and faithful and foolish, how he does care and how he’s allowing me some illusion of happiness here and there.
What’s hurts the most is that he knows I like him and is still his regular charming self, not leading me on, but not being an ass to push me away either.
He knows and bears with me despite not liking me that way.
And I wish I could just hate his guts. Lash out on him and be spiteful…
And in some masochistic way, I still want to seek out his company despite knowing nothing will come of it. I come up with stupid topics or am redundant in asking him over and over on progress on things he’s doing, just to keep us talking.
But all the same, I know that if he did pick me up, it would just be him taking pity on me or being desperately lonely. He doesn’t want me, doesn’t like me and no wait will ever change that.
I don’t want to give up or move on though…
But I don’t want to be a pathetic, whiny idiot either, who will be grateful for every word of his when it means nothing to him.
I don’t want to be spiteful just to force myself to get away from it, I don’t want to end friendship or friendly chats, but I don’t think I should talk to him anymore either…