Yesterday has been incredibly emotionally draining. I am a weak, cowardly and selfish human being and I fully understand what this means. I keep telling myself I am going to change, but that change is coming along so slowly it’s killing me.
Last night I got incredibly drunk with a friend of mine and then went to see my lover and spent the night with him. I say lover because I am also currently in a relationship with another man as well, a man with whom I’ve been for 3 years now. Our relationship is complex, at least in my head it is. It’s probably just like every other relationship.
Mostly lately I’ve been feeling like I want to die. The only thing preventing me from doing it is the pain I know it will cause in my loved ones. My family. My friends. My lover. My boyfriend. I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t stand the idea of hurting anyone. It’s that fear that causes my cowardice and prevents me from taking courage and living my life as I want it to be.
I really hate myself right now.