I always feel like I’m too taxing this kid I’m friends with. I mean, yeah, he’s told me before that I’m not, and that he likes talking to me, but he is literally the only person I talk to. I am a person who has been depressed my whole life, and I don’t know what effect my depression has on those who I talk to.
I mean, it’s clear to anyone who talks to me for longer than a minute that I’m not the happiest camper around, even if I try to always make light of my situation. I just say and do things that indicate that I am not confident in myself, not confident in how good I am. I sometimes feel like I’m never going to get a girlfriend, and I have a hard time imagining that I will have friends in college. I always think that I’m this ugly kid whose got a good sense of humor and no one takes seriously; the sad part is that most of it is true, and that’s my real opinion. I try to make it otherwise but it never really works out. No one thinks of me as someone who they can really relate to other than this group of asshole kids I’m trying to space myself from.
I mean, let’s face it; I feel uncomfortable at parties, I am not a very physical person, I am always second guessing myself, and I don’t feel as though I can truly be myself around almost anybody. I’ve had one kiss in my life, and I’ve never even asked a girl out on my own. I don’t know how to see if a girl likes me or she just thinks of me as a friend, and confuse the two constantly.
The only thing that’s remained constant for me is my unhappiness in life. I am not suicidal, but I generally have this feeling that I just don’t really matter to anyone outside of immediate family. If I were to die I would be mourned, but I wouldn’t have a major impact on anyone outside of that one kid.