I am sitting at home, drunk, in Western Australia. I am relatively attractive, study medicine at the best university in the state, have a girlfriend, have a little more money than most college students (not a whole lot, but enough to be comfortable), and can pretty much get what I want as a result. I feel like I should be completely happy with my life, yet hear I am, confessing. I like dexamphetamine quite a bit, i take 5-30mg on most week days to help with uni. I started taking it about three years ago, aware of the abuse potential (but to be honest, not fully understanding of it), at pretty much my own will. I didnt have any problems with it for a long time but over the last few months I have began to feel like I need it to feel normal. I am well aware this is a sign of addiction and it makes me feel very depressed. I feel as though I am not happy with my girlfriend because I am not the most confident of people and I feel like she pretty much has me ‘whipped’, although because I overthink the fuck out of things I am not even sure if this is reality or not. I almost feel like I have a life that is simultaneously the most perfect and the most painful at the same time, I know there would be people who would literally break any moral standard to the point of murder to have my life, yet I cant wake up and feel happy. Infact I am shit at waking up, more often than not, ill miss a lecture in the morning becuase I just cant be fucked getting out of bed. I feel like my view of my girlfriend goes between very positive emotions and a really negative view of a fake, controlling, selfish girl. I fear that someone who I know will read this, even though I know they wouldnt (its 3.30am here, they are asleep), the thought of someone in my life seeing this cuts me down to my knees. Other male members of my family, as well as me, have a bit of a history of getting into relationships where the power lies with the female, I guess thats the best way I can describe what I perceive. I dont know how to change this, how to be more confident, how to get what I desire while still being reasonable, how to have the motivation to live my life so that I can be happy. All I want is to be happy myself and for my friends/family/the people surrounding me to be beaming with happiness at the exsquisite beauty of life. My father unsuccessfully attempted suicide when I was 11. He also studied medicine (along with my mother), but shortly after finishing it decided it wasn’t for him and changed his profession. My parents relationship was patchy at best, and I think for a large portion of my life, was really devoid of love. I can’t help but be claimed by the anxiety that I will follow in the footsteps of other members of my family. Its fucked, because I can be so happy with reality, and can take pleasure in just listening to music, or drawing on my notebooks, yet overall, I feel like I take my life for granted, and am just a nasty thing that should be terminated. I am also on an MAOI to help with suspected depression, which is funny, because i am not even sure how genuinely depressed I am, but i guess because i am writing this, i must be, but fuck, its hard to tell sometimes. A friend gave me some advice, “take your mind from in here to out there”, another friend interpreted this as remove your central nervous system from its casing. Not a bad interpretation. I hope no one I know reads this, it could be a pretty good option if so.
