I am the most Hypocritical Person in the World.
I watch my family eat themselves to death. I shudder at their ignorance to their obvious morbid obesity. I wonder how i will feel when they die. Sad, angry, guilty?
I open my mouth, or make a face at what they eat, and I get attacked. I deserve it. I might as well call them all fat-asses to their face.
I just watched my sister eat a huge bowl of chocolate cheerios, a whole bag of butter popcorn, an overflowing bowl of banana split ice cream and then another bag of butter popcorn. Oh and this morning she had a cup of oatmeal with a shitload of maple syrup and milk.
I think about my sisters drinking gallons of soda and eating bowls of peanut butter and chocolate chips, my mom downing two large cans of soup and then a family size bag of Lays, and my dad eating a Double whopper, fries, coke, and then finishing off mom’s fries.
It makes me sick.
I hate it.
I am such a Bitch.
Today, i’ve eaten 569 calories.
Almost everyday I promise my dad i will eat more. I fear weight gain.
Honest to god, it scares me to death. I will skip a birthday party in fear of judgement for skipping out on every single food item available. I am slightly underweight, yet i look sorta average. Why? Because rapid weight loss due to starving myself has left me with loose/flabby skin- The very bane of my existence. I know it’s just the by-product of anorexic eating habits, but i still eat way below maintenance just to “be sure i wont gain fat”
I constantly watch my carb intake. i tell myself i will let myself eat more carbs if i exercise, but even when i do, i worry if the number goes above 100. today, I faked being sick and i stayed home to avoid turning in a huge project i blew off. Ive consumed 50-something net carbs today, and it’s 4:37 PM. I’m not afraid of fat, at all. I’m very good at eating all the good for you fats. Today ive eaten 26 grams.
Hell, i even stress out about too much protein, which i always seem to get plenty, if not excessive amounts of it. Excess protein can cause fat gain.
Stay away, stay away….
I have never been able to eat like a teenager and not be fat. I have been fat all my life, except for the 2 months i was normal weight, and now, i’m underweight.
in a perfect world, i would workout every week and eat extra to gain muscle, tone up, and lose the loose saggy fat. But i’m just not that dedicated. I used to do cardio obsessively, an hour a day six days a week, followed by weight machines. Now, i only enjoy Zumba classes. I just hate machines. Hate them.
I want to be normal, but i fear i’ve ruined my metabolism from being in starvation mode for months. I barely reach 1000 calories by the end of the day, and then i binge on rediculous things. I bought fat free cream cheese and ate the whole tub in 2 days. I didnt eat it ON anything, i just picked at it when i was bored. Same thing with the fat free whipped cream, and the fat free yogurt.
i know what i need to do to be healthy again, but i’m scared, so so scared, that i’ll look horrendous if i put anymore fat onto my saggy post-weight-loss pooch. So scared that i’m likely killing myself.
God Help me.