i’m 24, i’ve been in a lot of relationships with men but i’ve never been anywhere close to loving one of them. i idealize them now so that they can disappoint me later. i sabatoge every intimate relationship i get into without even fully realizing what i’m doing–just so i can prove to myself that it isn’t worth loving anyone but myself. just so that i can become numb… i want something honest and real, but i don’t think that it’s possible. everyone is too fucked up by other people to deal anymore with reality or with more fucked up people. once you grow up it’s too late – it’s too difficult to find someone who’s issues compliment your own and impossible to find someone who doesn’t have serious issues in the first place. lately i’ve been going straight for the bastards, just to save myself the effort. sometimes i think about becoming a porn star. sometimes i wish i were an idiot so that i wouldn’t notice things so much. self-awareness is torture.
