When I was little, I was molested by my father. My mother knew about this and didn’t do anything to stop it. I didn’t think it affected me because I seemed to have grown up normally. But I cry, a lot. Sometimes over the smallest things, sometimes over nothing at all. There was one time I remember in particular where I cried and even acknowledged how silly it was for me to be crying. I assumed I grew up normally but I have a very hard time telling who cares for me or not.
About 3 months ago, I did some unspeakable things to my boyfriend and he won’t listen to anything I have to say. Once it sank in that he wouldn’t listen to me, I cried the hardest I’ve ever cried. It annoyed my mom. She came into my room and told me to shut up. I tried to tell her what happened, she screamed it even louder. I don’t quite know why, but I then blurted out that I was molested. My hands were covering my face at the time. She grabbed me by the wrists and pinned me against the wall. I can still smell her breath from when she smoke. “Shut the fuck up,” she said. “Get over it.” I stopped crying immediately. Ever since then, I haven’t had my regularly scheduled bouts of crying. What used to be so easy to do is now impossible. I can’t cry, I can’t smile. I can’t feel anything. I have no feelings of anxiety, nor of vengeance, nor any kind of sadness. I do wish I was dead, though.
This morning, I saw my mother crying at the door. She was crying over some man she had over last night. I told her the same thing she told me that day. She threw a book, a vase, and a lamp at me so I ran away. I’m writing this from the library right now. I’ve been thinking about what I did for a while now. I guess I was somewhat hoping that I had feelings. I only realized while I was checking GroupHug that the only reason I told my mother that is because I swore I would tell her that when she’s down. I thought I did it because I wanted revenge, but I don’t feel satisfied or unsatisfied. I still want to die. I don’t know what I’m going to do the rest of this day or if I’ll live.