I love my husband so much it hurts, and when I think about causing him pain it makes me want to die. However, I have been cheating on him for a year now, and I’ve actually lost track of how many men I’ve slept with. I get drunk at bars and go home with complete strangers, and the nastier and dirtier they treat me the better. Then afterwards I always want to kill myself, and I hate knowing how badly I’m lying to my husband. Deep down, I know that I hate myself, and that my husband deserves so much better than me. The worst part is that he’s a really good person and would never be dishonest to me. I am such a shit. I don’t understand what makes me do these things, and it just makes me hate myself more. But when I’m out somewhere without him, all I want is for some stranger to lust for me and take me home and degrade me. I am so hopeless.
