I have become so very….odd. I cannot stand it. I’m just ‘causing drama and acting like a fool.
It’s just that….every time I see happy couples at the store, I’m overcome with jealousy. I want what they have so very badly.
I want a lover who tells me that she loves me. Often. Someone who compliments me and calls me. Someone who wants me. I want what everyone else has.
And I know that she’s not that kind of girl. She’s soft and meek and laid back. And I know that. I’ve known that from the very beginning. So now that I find myself wanting these things, I feel like a stupid moron. I mean, I knew what I was getting into. I was shy, and aloof but now I find myself not being that way anymore.
Why can’t I accept what I have without wanting to change it?
But it’s just difficult all around. It makes me feel like I’m a friend, an afterthought, someone that she doesn’t really care about just because she won’t tell me. Like I’m stuck in a broken relationship escalator and it should be moving but it isn’t and everyone else is taking the stairs and I’m stuck on the escalator and I can’t even walk because one of my legs is broken. (Ok, that was not the best metaphor but it’s 3am, cut me some slack here)
I know that I’m important to her and that she cares. But I want to hear it. But I don’t want her to say it because I’m telling her to. That would just make it meaningless. (Which is what she’ll probably do and it’ll just make me depressed…)
Fuck. Why are emotions so fucking complicated? I wish I was a fucking robot. Just logical and cold and ace and just crushing numbers and being a robot.
And my life just gets getting messy and fucked up. My mom and I might get evicted and my stepdad is back to trying to kill me. And every night I cry myself to sleep because I feel so loveless and lonely.
I wish I was just a normal teenager.
And this confession probably makes no sense. I mean, it kind of does but not really, and it has bits and pieces of what I wanted to say but I’m so sleepy I just need to get this out so I can go to bed.