I see so many confessions on here that I can relate to and it makes me wonder if these feelings of strangers could possibly be the same feelings you have towards me…the good and the bad. I cannot say these things to anyone I know esp my best friends so I am saying it here because I am still in so much pain and I don’t have many other options for trying to release these feelings.
BCA This is the letter I wish I could give you-I cannot believe how much I still love you. I don’t even understand why and I feel like somehow in another time or place or lifetime you are my soulmate. But it is so painful to know that in this life, and at least at this time, we are not meant to be together or even be friends.
You said that we had a soul connection, you said that maybe everything you had ever done in life had been for a reason so that you could meet me and I felt the same way about you. You told me every day that you loved me, that you cared about me, how important and special I was to you and I appreciated that and very much felt the same way about you. But you are/were in a very bad place and you cannot give me what I need and deserve. I need a real relationship…I deserve to be loved fully by a man. I could not continue to be your crutch, your entire support system, your everything at every hour of the day everyday of the week. It was too much and I felt like I was going to let you down because my feelings for you were overwhelming me and I knew that it was not healthy or right for us to even try to be together.
I think somewhere down the line you wanted the same thing as me but you couldnt say that and I couldn’t figure out how long was I supposed to wait? how long was I supposed to try to fix you so that you could actually be in a relationship? A year? 10 years? that’s just not fair to me and I was drowning and suffocating in our pseudo-relationship. It was not fair for me to have to feel like I was in a sexless relationship when really we were just friends, so we needed to start acting like that so we could both be happier. I don’t think you would ever fully recover from your addiction if I had continued our relationship in the codependent way that it was…
I said what had to for you…because I love you soo much that I wanted to have the hope of a future of you someday being able to love and be loved in a healthy way…if not by me than by someone. I can never say these things to you because you are too sensitive and probably have some sort of emotional disorder and I know this because when I did tell you my feelings for you and that we needed to change our dynamic and create some healthy boundaries you completely flipped out, got angry/hurt, turned on me and abandoned me completely.
Of course that heartache of losing you and of you hurting me with all the awful things you said to me out of anger made me feel like I had made a big mistake but I really really believe in the long run it was the very best and most loving and selfless thing I could have done.
Losing you hurt me more than I can put into words. I cried so much on new years, and valentines day and many other countless days missing you in my bed next to me…missing our hours of phone calls and I love you’s every night, feeling safe in your arms but I KNOW that I had to do that…our relationship was NOT healthy…I cannot see how it could have been any other way…and if you knew that there was a better way…if you knew that things could have gotten better than you should have told me…you should have said…I love you, I want to be with you someday and I’m going to get better for you…that was all you had to say, otherwise I would always think that this was for the best.
In my heart I know that you felt like I was abandoning you…I’m sorry because I wanted to be there for you every step of the way for the rest of our lives but I really needed that space and I wish you could have just given it to me. I wish I wish I wish.
I already knew that I would marry you. That I would have loved you unconditionally for the rest of my life if that’s what you wanted and I feel like you are a wonderful person who fully deserved my love and devotion. But I also had a very strong feeling that life would have been miserable, painful and not what I wanted/deserved out of life. We fought too much, there was too much emotional baggage for us to overcome in order to make each other happy…and I think we can only overcome these obstacles apart…not together like I originally thought that we could.
I have never felt this kind of love for anyone in my life and yes I believe you are my soulmate and that is why I am in so much pain not having you in my life but that is what we are here in this life to do…help each other grow and become the best people we can be even if it means we must suffer without each other in order to learn those lessons.
So I suffer every night thinking about the wonderful times we had together and all the magical moments that live only in our memories now. And I suffer because I feel like somehow our energy is still connected and when you are in pain I am in pain even though we are cities apart. These are all the things I cannot say to you or anyone else ever. This is just what I need to get out of my head bc I have not been able to eat well, focus on school or do anything meaningful or productive since we parted ways and it is because your soul is wrapped around my heart and I cannot get loose from my love for you.
I love you always in this life and the next- A
