I love my boyfriend and he loves me. Our sex life, however, is terrible.
For a very long time I believed I was anorgasmic. Much to my great joy and relief I recently discovered that I CAN orgasm, though it takes a considerable amount of time and effort to do so. I have come to learn that my vagina is a fickle, fickle thing. I know that most women climax through clitoral stimulation, but this has never worked out for me. It has taken me many years to realize that my clitoris is ultra-sensitive. It’s not as awesome as it sounds. When my clit gets direct stimulation it doesn’t feel good. It feels AWFUL. It’s an annoying, irritating sensation similar to the feeling you lost circulation in a limb and you start to get your circulation back. The only way I can tolerate clitoral contact is if the stimulation is INCREDIBLY gentle. Feather-light. Slow, soft circles. Mostly, though, I enjoy vaginal stimulation. Shallow vaginal stimulation. Just a couple inches in is all I need. More than that and it starts to hurt. I have only ever climaxed through masturbation and it takes me upwards to an hour to get off. It usually takes a good twenty or thirty minutes of warm-up before it even starts to feel good.
From the start of our relationship this has caused problems. My boyfriend went down on me exactly three times, and only for a couple of seconds each time. It didn’t feel BAD, but there was none of that yummy sexual pleasure. Like I said, it takes me a LONG TIME to get to that point. He gave up, seeing that I wasn’t immediately responding. So that’s… that. From there he moved to fingering me. After a minute or two of awkward fingering (two minutes being a rare display of dedication) my boyfriend gives up and it’s time for me to blow him. I’m 90% sure he quits because he feels inadequate, and I wish I could convince him that he isn’t. I don’t complain about blowing him. It’s a HUGE turn on for me and I really love to be objectified. It’s just that he’s DONE once he cums. That’s it. Time to watch TV or play video games or something else non-sexual.
My difficulties having an orgasm ultimately mean that all of our sexual interaction ends with him being satisfied and me being sexually frustrated. At first I was too shy to bring it up with him, but now I’m feeling a little more confident about discussing this with him. But there’s a catch…
A year or two ago I finally went on birth control. Since I respond well to vaginal stimulation we were both optimistic about the possibility of us both getting off. Well, we tried to have sex. It was quickly discovered that he was too overweight to actually penetrate me. I was completely understanding and accepting, but he wasn’t. He has since fallen into a pretty deep, dark spiral of shame and self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy. It has crippled our sexual relationship. It has all but put a stop to our sex life. I still give him head every once in a blue moon, but at this point I get nothing.
I really want to TRY to talk with him about what I need in our sexual relationship, but I’m terrified of hurting him. I know him well enough to know that if I tell him how much I need reciprocity it will only serve to make him feel even more inadequate, further removing the likelihood of getting any action.
I love him dearly, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I just don’t know what to do about our sex life. I feel unattractive and unwanted.