where to even start? i’m not sure when i stopped loving myself, but it happened.
i want to be thin and beautiful. i started eating a meal a day and living off water and celery sticks and protein shakes seemed to work. i buy magazines nearly every time i go somewhere that sells them, come home, and cut out the pictures of the thinnest and most beautiful models. i then take these pictures and tape them to my bedroom wall, thinking it’s enough inspiration to get me off my ass and into the gym so i can work off more calories than i’ve taken in for the day.
it worked for a while. whenever i ate something unhealthy or even slightly fattening, i took the same scissors and made a deep slice into my hand, and always in the same spot. the pain there was pretty bad. people questioned it, so i knew i couldn’t cut on my hand anymore. now i’ve got a nasty scar.
lately, i’ve been binging like crazy. i’ve lost control in that respect, so i take scissors to my knees. i can’t even feel the pain there, so my knees are just ugly and i’m almost pain-free, so i feel like i can keep binging on food without feeling the pain of slicing myself up.
when i look in the mirror, i see an ogre who will never be found attractive by anyone. i’m not trying to lose weight to be healthy. i’m doing it so i can stop picking at my fat and cutting myself up.
my personality is down the drain, too. i’ll put on my happy face for other people because they care enough to ask repeatedly what’s wrong with me. when i’m alone, which is so often now, i stare into space and just break out in tears.
i wish i could tell someone this because i almost want advice. still, i know no one i know will really understand because i don’t think anyone i know has gone through this. i hate me.