This one goes out to anyone who ever failed at anything…
I was always the kid who did good at many things. I always did good in school. Middle school I achieved straight A’s. I was given an award by the President himself (who at the time was George Bush) for Academic Excellence.
In high school, even though I didn’t get straight A’s, I still performed really well. I won many awards, most of them for Principal’s Recognition and Top of the Trade and Most Professional.
College was hard, but I tried and still made it through. I was still proud of myself.
My confession is I tried to become a police officer lately and failed. I smoked weed within a 1 year time frame of applying. I just experimented. I only did it about 4 times. I never thought experimenting would hurt me, but it did.
I feel somewhat of a loser…
And even though I feel like a failure, deep inside I feel a sense of honesty with myself and forgiveness for I admitted to my mistake not only on here but on the Police Exam…
They encourage you to be honest because honesty is what matters most. You have integrity if you are honest, and they are looking for people with integrity. They tell you if you are honest you will most likely get through unlike others who lied.
At first I was somewhat sad and a little bit mad when they called me and told me they can’t process me any further because of my marijuana use. I thought to myself “I was honest. Why would I not be able to be processed further? I even stayed away from it for a period of time.” They say it doesn’t mean I can’t apply again. I just have to wait a year.
I feel… Indifferent right now…
But I know I can’t give up. And I most likely won’t give up.
I have to just do other things that matter for the time being and occupy myself and prove to them that I can break that one year time frame.
I wanted this job so bad because I wanted to move out of my parents house… I’m 22 now… I have a girlfriend. I needed to do something with myself. =/ And needed to prove to those around me that I could succeed and hold me own.
I have to focus on making myself a better person mentally and physically and helping those around me succeed as well…
I want to help my girlfriend out. She smokes marijuana more than I ever have… She smoked it a ton in her life. I want to help her stop so she can have a good future. I want her to stop because I love her and care about her. I want her to learn from me that it can hurt people… After all… It hurt me be putting my career on hold.
I’m going to try quite a few things to get myself back on track:
1. I always loved fitness, so I’m going to have to really take working out serious… Even though I passed the physical agility test, I could have done better. I did better than a lot of people, but I want to really stand out.
2. Be honest with myself and others more. The psychological exam taught me to behave this way on the police exam. I felt good about being honest for once in my life. Not lying to myself about who I really was felt good.
3. I’m going to listen to my girlfriends ideas and encourage her to tell me things more often so that I can improve myself as a person. She is right about so many things. We were talking about me gaining weight for example if I want to be a bodybuilder. And I always come up with an excuse as to why I don’t eat more; things cost too much, or I’m not hungry, or tired.
4. I want to be a better person. I want people to look at me and respect me. I want people to say “he’s the man. I wish I could be like him.”
5. I want to be more independent from my parents. I still have to find a way to move out until I can get a better job.
6. I want to encourage my girlfriend to be a better person. She really needs someone like me to show her good. Too many people gave up on her in her life. I don’t want her to be alone and regretful.
But for now. I gotta go.