I got raped by some people I met earlier that night. My friend beat the shit out of one of them for it, and got a split lip in the process. I feel guilty for that because it wasn’t a big deal. My friend says I’m letting them walk all over me and get away with something unconscionable. But I honestly can’t bring myself to be angry at them. I still shake a little sometimes, but that’s more annoying than anything else. I feel like my friend is more upset about it than I am, and I regret saying anything about it at all. I also feel perversely happy that someone took physical blows to, for all intents, defend me. But if the whole incident could be wiped out of my memory, I’d prefer that. I’m trying to continue my life as it was before, but minor anxieties have been filtering in that keep disrupting my happiness. And I really was so happy before all this.
I’m not anxious all the time. It’s pretty infrequent. But most of the time now I feel disengaged. It could happen again and I think I wouldn’t remotely care. I could go to their house, undress, and spread my legs without a hint of emotion. My emotions now are so muted. I feel lethargic. I guess that’s alright.