I have been with my girlfriend for several years. Recently we moved in together. She is pretty, smart and the best friend I’ve ever had, but it’s becoming increasingly obvious that I no longer love her romantically. Or at least I don’t right now; over the course of our relationship I feel like I go through phases of either extreme (I know, I know, I sound like a dick).
Anyway, she has this friend who I think I have a crush on. I haven’t had a crush on anyone in years–this girl makes me feel like I’m back in junior high or something (I’m in my mid-twenties). Objectively, she is not the most beautiful person in the world, but I feel an inexplicable attraction to her. I think she feels something for me too, but it’s impossible to say if that’s just wishful thinking. She (the other girl) has a boyfriend, although they haven’t been going out very long. The kicker is that I quite like her boyfriend, although sometimes I get the feeling he doesn’t trust me around her (good thinking, mate).
Given my living situation, the multiple relationships, and what this would do to our group of friends, it doesn’t seem like there’s any real possibility of us getting together. On the other hand, just yesterday we hung out alone for the first time. I half wondered if we’d start making out during the awkward pauses in conversation, a la Jerry Seinfeld.
I am starting to become distant with my girlfriend and don’t feel good about it. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this; at least, I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone who knew everyone involved. I’m not really sure how I would have it all go down anyway. As I alluded to, my girlfriend and I have made a whole life together at this point and I’m not sure what would be left in the aftermath. Likely I would have to leave this city entirely, which would be a damn shame since I love it here, and I’d never see either girl again.
It occurs to me that my subconscious may just be dreaming up an excuse to leave my current relationship, since other than this one thing, everything seems to be going swimmingly between us. The truth is, this crush is one definite source of feeling in my life, which I usually just numbly bumble through. Although I feel myself pulling in multiple directions, it’s exciting and interesting at the same time.
Part of me thinks that if I just hook up with this girl once or twice (read: cheat on my girlfriend), I will get it out of my system, but a more rational part of me knows that’s bullshit.
We (both couples and almost all my friends) are headed out this weekend to do MDMA together at a massive party. Wish me luck!