I endure alone. Too scared to move forward, yet without strength to live even one more day this way. How I dread these days without you. I want to hate you. I want to run. No, I want to be in your arms where I feel safe but if not then let me hate or run or… or just let me go away forever. It’s just that I don’t have anywhere else to go. He didn’t want me. They don’t want me and you? I am nearly certain you don’t either. Even death will only come close enough to taunt me. I belong no where. You have your friends, your family. I just plod along each day hoping for something, anything healthy to make me feel alive. When at the end of the day, hope hasn’t found me, I begin to think. . . . No, tomorrow will be better, I tell myself. Please know that this is not really about you. These strivings I have, these longings, these feelings of love, of hate, of restless fear, of anger, of terror – they all run so much deeper than the “us” that never was, nor will ever be. This pain began at the precise moment that I did. A lifetime of being nothing to no one. Created to be vibrant and beautiful. Created to soar above the clouds but denied by the cruelty of others words and actions. They cut like knives into my very soul. I watch. You look at what I was created to be. You see it too, but it can never be. I fight and fight and fight. I want to scream that is a lie, but in the end, the wounds are too deep to ever heal. Love equals loss to me. My value was written on his wrist that day. He would rather die than be with me. How could I ever let another so close, only to destroy them too? Delusional, I know. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. I can say it over and over and it doesn’t change what’s written on my tortured soul. It doesn’t stop the night terrors that haunt me at the least hint of life’s difficulties. I will never let you in any closer because I cannot bear the thought of hurting you any worse than I already have. Please go. Please. You feel my pain as deeply as I do. I see it in your eyes. That only doubles my pain. You have done what you could for them. You can’t save me too. Go, please and be happy.
