I wish he knew how bad the way things are is hurting me. I wouldn’t turn back the clock and undo it all. I would never have survived without him. But now I feel trapped in this constant, unbearable pain. I fell in love, even though I never meant to. He saw it and ran. I lost him completely and I am left with nothing but the resentment I feel toward myself for how much I still want and need him. The pain of constantly seeing what I am not good enough to have is killing me. I would be happy with anything at all but he wants nothing to do with me. I came so far, only to find myself in a situation just as painful as the last. I can’t escape the pain, rejection and loss no matter how hard I try. If I could have the choice to run from it all, it would soon fade and not matter, but I can’t. I am literally without choice for a while longer. It is, without a doubt, true that I don’t have the strength to make it until I do have a choice. I don’t feel wanted or welcome anywhere. It scares me that the one thing that would never be an option to me sneaks across my mind so often now. I can’t live this way anymore. I just can’t.
