I have convinced myself again and again these few short years that I would find someone else or that I would just be okay alone. I allowed myself to dream dreams and to work hard in that direction. Spring is usually my favorite time of the year, but I have such unrest right now in my spirit. The realization hit me today that I can’t survive without intimacy in my life. Why I can’t is a mystery, but I can’t. Even if someone could love me for me, I am too wounded and afraid to let them. Horror courses through my veins as I see the end, not as I wanted it, but how it really will be. There will be no fulfilled dreams, no more laughter filled hallways. This is all I have, my aloness, and even that for only a short time. I have struggled against the truth for long enough. Its time to stop chasing fading rainbows and to set things in order. They don’t deserve to be left with my chaos.
