the truth-or several truths is this….
I don’t know why I’m with you. I’m angry at you for all the mean and stupid- HEARTLESS- things you did. I don’t care that they were a couple years ago. You’ve never apologized. I cried. You love me? Then you’re not supposed to do things just to make me cry. You were mean. Fucking BRUTAL. Physically, mentally AND emotionally.
Still-
I think about us getting married. I THINK about it. Even though I know you still pine for ‘her’ and would go back to her in a heartbeat if you could. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me. I keep thinking it’s GOT to be Stockholm syndrome or something…
I know how hard you’re trying to change for me. But I don’t know what it’s for. I still don’t trust you won’t fuck around or try to fuck around or flirt dangerously with one of your female ‘friends’ or any woman you can find. I know you’re a dog and you’re not going to convince me you can go from being a dirty manwhore to a saint overnight. I have a dirty gut feeling you’re doing something- SOMETHING- behind my back. No matter how ‘minor’ you deem it. It’s that or it’s something you have done behind my back already. Well, I’m sure there are many *somethings*. Things that if I found out about them, you would freak out because you know I would pounce on them as a reason for getting the hell away from you. I will forever believe that you and Jen fucked, by the way.
I daydream of ‘him’. The guy that comes along, calls you out and tries to sweep me out from under you. I think of him as ‘Jeremy’. He’s going to make you shit your pants because you’re going to know you don’t deserve me as much as he does.
I don’t know where I’m going in life with you. I love you on some level but i am so far removed from you. Like there is just some THING between you and I- aside from hostility. Just… something on some level that keeps us from joining completely.
I like the other day that you said you wanted this to work. That as opposite as we are, somehow it works. I want you to want me. Not want me because I’m here and what’s left. I want you to feel good and okay that she’s not here anymore and I am.
I don’t even know why I’m here. How we got together. I know HOW, I just don’t know how because it wasn’t one of those things where either of us had made a conscious decision to BE with someone. You were already with someone and I was happily single. And yet here we are. I’ve been trying to figure it out. It hurts my brain.
There’s more but I’m tired, I’ve had a few beers and I’m going to bed. You have lifted me up and slammed me down to the ground more than anyone or anything i’ve ever known. I don’t think you’re good for me. But I don’t know what to do about it.
If I ever get enough money or if i won the lottery, I’d leave your ass in a heartbeat. Because your house is a dump, your kids lazy, stupid and filthy and because I LOVE having my own space. You have used my ‘living in your house’ against me long enough. I want and daydream of having my own place almost every day. Every day. Especially when I see your dumbfuck of a kid has pissed all over the toilet seat again.